How have you used the "Gray Rock" technique with aging elders & siblings with personality disorders?
Taking this topic up from Jasmina's reply in another thread...
I had the same reaction as Momshelp - I've been doing this for a long time (like since childhood really!) with my brother (who APS believes to have undiagnosed mental illness) without knowing that the technique had a name. However I think there are some unique considerations that complicate its use in a situation involving an aging elder and an abusive sibling. I can and have made myself boring and non-reactive, however I still feel responsibility for watching out for my parents so unfortunately that means some interaction. And unfortunately because of his personality/illness, that escalates immediately into irrational and abusive territory. Jasmina/others can you share more about how you used this technique within your family? Any thoughts about situations where you can't be fully "Gray" - has it still worked? And how do you keep from becoming too gray in other parts of your life? The work it takes to contain the emotions and buffer against the abuse can be so draining, sometimes I feel in danger of becoming an automaton!
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I’m the caregiver for my mom, who struggles with narcissism yet is out of touch with this reality; it wasn’t until I became her caregiver that I started applying this approach and it was only because I saw the signs of anxiety and depression out of control mixed with the narcissism that really made me conclude she is ill (psychologically, aside from physically) and therefore I should not take what she says or does personally. When you realize this you take charge as the “adult”. Almost as the parent in the sense of protection. Therefore my main motives are very different than for most people, I didn’t start applying this technique to protect myself, but mainly to protect her; that is my main goal.
See, aside from pointless, engaging in arguments with her would lead to her (and me) getting hurt, mad and not allowing me to help her, and I need to be able take care of her over anything else, she truly needs it. That is my main goal as a daughter, not because I feel obligated or because anybody told me to; simply because I want to.
The key is to remember that what the narcissistic person is saying or doing truly has no fundamental truth, doesn’t define us and it is coming from an *ill mentality* that CANNOT process thoughts nor act differently. Once that is truly understood and accepted, the grey rock approach becomes almost the only approach possible because no one in their right mindset will be arguing with someone that doesn’t even speak the same language. Narcissism implies a fundamental difference in terms of how actions and feelings are interpreted.
In in other words, once the bottom line problem is understood, the approach comes naturally and doesn’t require major effort. At least in my case I don’t apply it with resentment or “on the surface kindness”, I do it with true desire to be able to be there for my mom, and I will report that after about two years of doing this her behavior has changed. I think she realized that you need two to tango, and I’m not willing to dance. The only thing I’m willing to do is to try to give her the love and help she needs at this point in her life.
I'm grieving as well. I can gray rock my toxic brother but since he is isolating my parents that results in no contact for me with THEM. There is just a limit to how much I can endure of him in my effort to maintain a relationship with my parents. Very sad.
Jane
Best to you :)
Jane
I am pulling back again...and of course she is making her move forward. This type of information is exactly what I needed to read about.
Good luck with your mom!
Jane
OMG - I have been using the "grey rock" technique out of necessity for decades, never knowing a term for what I was doing existed!
I have an elderly narcissistic mother who I could not go no contact with because she lived with her sister, my beloved aunt and godmother. So, over the years I had to "blend into the scenery" to survive any contact with my mother. She is the only person I use it with, and I'm myself otherwise. After practice and time, which is a good thing to condition the others so they don't really sense the change until its in place, you can learn to compartmentalize it for when needed.
It does take control of self not to react to the instigation, attitudes, and down right insults that may be used. My mother even tried projecting on to me what she is, just to get me to react. I outright told her, "I will not tolerate arguments with you," and left if she didn't settle down, and also have said many times, "You can do what you want, but I won't be a part of bad decisions." Most conversations are about her, and sometimes I keep a list of topics to keep the attention off of me, which isn't hard because narcissists don't see you as a separate person.
Read and inform yourself about using techniques that work with narcissists, etc. Start small and build upon your skills so you can protect yourself from getting drug into anything you're not comfortable with. Set firm boundaries.
I understand your feelings of responsibility, which I also share. But there is no reason to feel abused amid irrational behavior. I wish all of us the best in this situation.
Jane