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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We always told my sister, for years, that we would keep her in her own home. When she started packing everything (including cereal) in random bags and boxes every day to go "home", we decided it was time for memory care. She continued to pack every single day for about four months and a year later she sometimes just says she's getting ready to go "home" and we say that sounds great. Good luck. It's not easy.
Went thru this with my BIL. The change of where they used to be to where they are now. He still says he wants out of there and has been there now for 2yrs. Its not home where they remember. It just sticks in their minds.
My answer is always "tomorrow" then I launch into why we need to stay here one more day. ie. We need to sort these photos. A stack of loose photos is usually a good activity, conversation starter. As long as I am listening and not correcting. For the people always packing to go home. Make it easier for yourself by suppling a couple of small packing crates or suitcases. It's easier to clean up than when their things are not stuffed in random bags or emptied out boxes
Our brains all react differently. Your mom is unable to retain her short term memory. Your mom will adjust to her facility, but it will take time. Keep her environment familiar by decorating with family photos etc. and visit often.
It may have nothing to do with where she actually is. We were able to keep my mother in the home her parents had lived all of my life and my mother had lived in for 35+years after moving in to care for my grandmother and she went through periods when she wanted out of that home and to “go home” but unable to tell us where that was. Sometimes it’s their childhood home, sometimes that first apartment, it seems to be a common thread for dementia patients and while we automatically associate it with the home they just left that isn’t necessarily what it means to them. The one glimmer of light I can give you is that wen I read this it made me smile, I sure wasn’t smiling while going through it (and the things she would pack to take with her) but now that mom has been gone for six months I can smile at the memories of trying to talk with her where she was and figure out what I could learn about her life at the time. Try to regroup your thoughts and reaction and see if joining her on her journey can help you both when she wants to leave or go home.
I think she is not "remembering" that she wants out. She is wanting out all the time and has most likely forgotten all the days before that she also wanted out. But memory is very strange. My mom remembered imagined happenings, but not real happenings. I think it was described that the imagination part of the brain stays a bit more intact, while logic and order disappear - not a scientific explanation, just he way I think of it. And, yes, Alva is right. She sees you as her rescuer. My mom referred to me as her brain. Unfortunately, by the time Alzheimer's people get to memory care it's difficult to even take them for an outing. They get too confused to be handled well outside the facility. I hope eventually your mother will feel at home in memory care.
I'm beginning to see that kind of thing with my mom. The other day she asked if the elevator in my house still works. I don't, of course, have an elevator in my house. Something that's new over the past few months could be described as a kind of deja vu. She said while planning my dad's funeral, "We've done this before, haven't we?" No, mom, dad's only died just this once. She says she's already read the articles in today's newspaper, and they just keep printing the same ones. Lately she tells me the TV doesn't work properly, because the same episodes are always on and she's already seen them. It would be an interesting phenomenon if it wasn't so sad to see and experience. It's like the present is being processed as the past. She has a sort of blind spot concerning me in some ways. Sometimes she attributes to other family members gifts that I gave her or things I did for her. She also sometimes thinks things that she and I did were her and dad instead of me. Granted, I do look a lot like my dad. I'm not complaining, but just recording some of what happens with my mom, so that others reading this can know the kinds of things to possibly expect.
People don't remember what you say or what you do, but they remember how you make them feel. This goes for us and the caregivers when our loved ones are placed. You make Mom feel loved so she wants you. You make her feel secure so she wants you. She is probably incapable of developing new attachments to people there and she may be too difficult for them to become attached to her. There really isn't anything to be done. You can do your best to keep her calm but we don't have a cure for Alzheimers. You need to reinforce to yourself that you are doing the best thing by keeping her somewhere safe and calling or visiting when you can.
I always told my daddy -"The doctor has not released you yet" or "Need to wait for tomorrow". Those two answers always relaxed him. Need to remember they live in long term memory - what they knew long, long, long time ago. Maybe if you have some old pictures of the house and family from when she was young that may help. My daddy tore the pictures out of the old photo album and held them close to him because that made HIM feel safe. I did get those pictures back in the photo album because his nephew was still alive after my daddy passed away and helped me figure it out. This disease is hard - been there done that - know that a prayer has been said for you as I have finished typing this!
In reality, you can't "fix" anything for mom. You can take her out of managed care and she'll still have dementia and ask to leave wherever she lives. She'll still feel lost and confused, as my mother did when I came to visit only. When I wasn't around, she was just fine, schmoozing with the other residents and yucking it up. Then she turned into a big mess when she saw me, crying and saying she was being starved ( at 190 lbs) and ignored (She was always freshly showered and dressed).
You can't make her disease go away, or be her magical cure. You can visit and bring small gifts, however, and tell her you love her, realizing she's likely piling on the guilt for your benefit. Go observe mom when she doesn't know you're there. That's my suggestion.
Yes, this exactly! I used to go at random times to check on the staff..they were awesome so that became unnecessary. But I did bust my mom playing bingo with the gals after she told me that she was all alone, all day every day and sat in her room doing nothing. They had other optional activities too. She had caring companionship all day but what she really wanted was me there 24/7!
Because she knows she isn't home. She recognizes she has been put somewhere where she recognizes nothing. She knows she is lost. She is frightened. She seems you as her rescuer, who can make all this go away.
She knows that whoever she was and is isn't there anymore and the world is a loss and a confusion and you can fix it. Soon she won't even know THAT because soon she won't have a clue who you even ARE.
They also get stuck on a certain scenario , a loop in their brain . As dementia progresses it becomes automatic to repeat the same thing all the time. That phrase they often get stuck on is “ When can I go home ?”
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Good luck. It's not easy.
https://youtu.be/tYNxcXLwZjA?si=oY8KnWN7eJY_V7-h
Good luck and prayers.
For the people always packing to go home. Make it easier for yourself by suppling a couple of small packing crates or suitcases. It's easier to clean up than when their things are not stuffed in random bags or emptied out boxes
Something that's new over the past few months could be described as a kind of deja vu. She said while planning my dad's funeral, "We've done this before, haven't we?" No, mom, dad's only died just this once. She says she's already read the articles in today's newspaper, and they just keep printing the same ones. Lately she tells me the TV doesn't work properly, because the same episodes are always on and she's already seen them. It would be an interesting phenomenon if it wasn't so sad to see and experience. It's like the present is being processed as the past.
She has a sort of blind spot concerning me in some ways. Sometimes she attributes to other family members gifts that I gave her or things I did for her. She also sometimes thinks things that she and I did were her and dad instead of me. Granted, I do look a lot like my dad.
I'm not complaining, but just recording some of what happens with my mom, so that others reading this can know the kinds of things to possibly expect.
Breakfast? No emotion.
What they did that morning? No emotion.
Being confused/frightened? LOTS of emotion attached, so “easily” remembered.
My mother doesn’t remember my name any longer, but she remembers my face. I think it’s the emotional memories attached to me.
Need to remember they live in long term memory - what they knew long, long, long time ago. Maybe if you have some old pictures of the house and family from when she was young that may help. My daddy tore the pictures out of the old photo album and held them close to him because that made HIM feel safe. I did get those pictures back in the photo album because his nephew was still alive after my daddy passed away and helped me figure it out.
This disease is hard - been there done that - know that a prayer has been said for you as I have finished typing this!
You can't make her disease go away, or be her magical cure. You can visit and bring small gifts, however, and tell her you love her, realizing she's likely piling on the guilt for your benefit. Go observe mom when she doesn't know you're there. That's my suggestion.
Best of luck to you.
It’s a horrible disease.
She recognizes she has been put somewhere where she recognizes nothing.
She knows she is lost.
She is frightened.
She seems you as her rescuer, who can make all this go away.
She knows that whoever she was and is isn't there anymore and the world is a loss and a confusion and you can fix it.
Soon she won't even know THAT because soon she won't have a clue who you even ARE.
That's how.