How much do I share with uninvolved siblings?

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How much do I share with uninvolved siblings?

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When all of this started, I wanted to be completely transparent. But now I am exhausted and I realize that the burden is not equally shared with my sisters. (I make all decisions for my mother who has dementia and my father who has “denial”). I am their DPoA and Trustee. My mother left me in charge years ago. Is it bad to stop sharing information with my sisters? For example: I will text them about mom’s latest fall or hospitalization and they text back okay, but have you scheduled a dental appointment for dad? Do I need to communicate with them any further? I’m so sick of having to meet their demands too. If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?

Communication & Language Durable POA Relationships Siblings

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"If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn't they text/call me?"....to which I answer YES, if they want any info let them text or call you, as you have your hands full enough with dealing with your parents.
So quit adding more to your already full plate, and let your siblings reach out if they want to.

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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MamaBearlyThere

Boy you have paid your dues and then some. I was just reading your bio.
You know there is such a thing as resigning your POA. I don’t really see you doing that but thought I would remind you.

It is not bad to stop sharing but I wonder which will be worse, they don’t even notice or they complain when you don’t? Vs the coming back with more jobs for you to do??

You know the thing is, it really doesn’t matter. What I would wish for you is that you put that chore of filling them in at the very bottom of your list. It’s not an “A” activity.

Shift your focus.

When you feel the impulse to communicate with siblings reconsider. Send your daughters a cherry greeting instead. Or leave your DH a love note. For each of these three who have given of their precious time with you, I would save my communication energy.

Let the others ask. Answer as you see fit. If you want to enjoy a dark thought about it, switch the contact info for dad’s dental appointments to the one who is concerned. Then, when they call, say something like “You have always been so thoughtful to remember dad’s appointments, I knew you would want to see that he was able to continue them.” If you got push back about their schedule, you would just say “That’s always been the great thing about Dr Dentist, he will work with you.” And then “Oh I checked, they will send the bill to me”. If you really want to send the sib into a spin “Well, if you can’t pick this up, I’m afraid he is done with dental appointments”.
I sure hope you aren’t giving them an accounting of the folks assets. It is none of their business.

But do think about hiring help from the parent’s funds to take care of any chores. A POA is meant for decisions. Not chores.
This caregiving of your parents is far from over and the hits are cumulative. Each “event” takes its toll on the caregiver. Not just the elder.
Your job is to take care of YOU. And that is at the top of the “A” list.
Big hugs.

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Reply to 97yroldmom

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You are very kind and understanding. Thanks. I especially liked "A POA is meant for decisions. Not chores." I wish that were true, but my husband and I have always been expected to do both.

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You might not want them texting and calling you, Relatives can be pests.

Of course it isn’t bad to stop sharing what should be your parents’ private information anyway. When you give them something to use against you, they’re going to use it. Many families are like this.

You have the power. Don’t give it away.

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Reply to Fawnby

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I shared less and less as the years went by. Mostly this was because I was so exhausted. I shared when Mom was enrolled in hospice. 14 months later I shared when hospice thought Mom did not have much time left.

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Reply to brandee

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That's it exactly! I'm just so tired of trying to keep them informed, when they never come to me to ask how's it going? Do they need anything?

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I usually message my siblings about once a week. It's usually more so I can vent and I figure since I have to do all this stuff for my parents, they can at least listen to me vent.
BUT when you don't want to, then no need. Do what works for you.
"If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?" Exactly this right here.

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Reply to slkcma

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When I was taking care of a relative that was in rehab for a stroke, I was there every day and exhausted. With the enthusiastic approval of my relative, I wrote a summary of progress during the day and emailed it every night to their children and childrens' spouses. I thought it was a kind thing to do, plus relative was working so hard in rehab that they didn't feel well enough to talk on the phone (drooling and couldn't pronounce things well anyway). Plus I had my own issues, like septic tank overflowing and father dying.

Not one of those ingrates ever thanked me for or acknowledged my cheerful, positive progress reports. In fact, later it was reported to me that this was "controlling." So I'm through. Let them dangle. If they care so much, they'd be there cutting up their food, pushing them around in the wheelchair, and cheering when they manage to walk a few steps without falling down. Control THAT, I say!

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Reply to Fawnby

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Yes, I can relate to this. As I said, I always felt communicating honestly and frequently with my sisters was the right thing to do, and certainly what my mother would have wanted. But, over the years, all my sacrifices have been weirdly transformed in their eyes. Somehow, I think they resent me---maybe hoping to rationalize their own inaction, lack of support, guilt, etc.

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You do not need to communicate anything....if you don't want to.
You are POA so you can make decisions as you see fit.
Beatty is right...you are sorta darned if you do, darned if you don't.
Is there a way to have a family meeting and ask them how they would like you to communicate, what they want communicated and how often. If a meeting is not possible a group text or email.
There is a process you could use. Called Caring Bridge it can help communications
https://www.caringbridge.org

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Reply to Grandma1954

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That's interesting---Caring Bridge. Thank you!

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“My mother left me in charge years ago” and she did this for good reason. She trusted you, so trust in yourself. Share what you feel is necessary, when you feel it’s needed. No more, no less. Don’t feel obligated to answer intrusive questions and don’t feel any need to defend your decisions. Remember, you were trusted with this

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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Yes, she did trust me and I think she knew my sisters better than I did at the time. Thanks for the feedback.

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Back when my husband was of sound mind he had a small heart attack (not his first). Damage wasn’t extensive but he was in the hospital for a couple days. I asked him who he wanted me to contact. He said no one, so I didn’t. Oh boy did I catch some hell with the fam for that!
And guess what - he didn’t back me up! In fact he told me later that he was a bit hurt I didn’t override his wishes and blab it all over the universe!
So I guess you could ask your parents what kind of information they want disclosed and to whom, but don’t be surprised if you get your ears bit off for doing what they say.

How much do I share with uninvolved siblings?

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