When all of this started, I wanted to be completely transparent. But now I am exhausted and I realize that the burden is not equally shared with my sisters. (I make all decisions for my mother who has dementia and my father who has “denial”). I am their DPoA and Trustee. My mother left me in charge years ago. Is it bad to stop sharing information with my sisters? For example: I will text them about mom’s latest fall or hospitalization and they text back okay, but have you scheduled a dental appointment for dad? Do I need to communicate with them any further? I’m so sick of having to meet their demands too. If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?
As POA you do not discuss finances with them. You also do not need to discuss medical. Thats between u, the parent and the doctor. I would stop giving them info. If they call, make it short and sweet. If they want a rundown, tell them your just too tired.
And guess what - he didn’t back me up! In fact he told me later that he was a bit hurt I didn’t override his wishes and blab it all over the universe!
So I guess you could ask your parents what kind of information they want disclosed and to whom, but don’t be surprised if you get your ears bit off for doing what they say.
Boy you have paid your dues and then some. I was just reading your bio.
You know there is such a thing as resigning your POA. I don’t really see you doing that but thought I would remind you.
It is not bad to stop sharing but I wonder which will be worse, they don’t even notice or they complain when you don’t? Vs the coming back with more jobs for you to do??
You know the thing is, it really doesn’t matter. What I would wish for you is that you put that chore of filling them in at the very bottom of your list. It’s not an “A” activity.
Shift your focus.
When you feel the impulse to communicate with siblings reconsider. Send your daughters a cherry greeting instead. Or leave your DH a love note. For each of these three who have given of their precious time with you, I would save my communication energy.
Let the others ask. Answer as you see fit. If you want to enjoy a dark thought about it, switch the contact info for dad’s dental appointments to the one who is concerned. Then, when they call, say something like “You have always been so thoughtful to remember dad’s appointments, I knew you would want to see that he was able to continue them.” If you got push back about their schedule, you would just say “That’s always been the great thing about Dr Dentist, he will work with you.” And then “Oh I checked, they will send the bill to me”. If you really want to send the sib into a spin “Well, if you can’t pick this up, I’m afraid he is done with dental appointments”.
I sure hope you aren’t giving them an accounting of the folks assets. It is none of their business.
But do think about hiring help from the parent’s funds to take care of any chores. A POA is meant for decisions. Not chores.
This caregiving of your parents is far from over and the hits are cumulative. Each “event” takes its toll on the caregiver. Not just the elder.
Your job is to take care of YOU. And that is at the top of the “A” list.
Big hugs.
You are POA so you can make decisions as you see fit.
Beatty is right...you are sorta darned if you do, darned if you don't.
Is there a way to have a family meeting and ask them how they would like you to communicate, what they want communicated and how often. If a meeting is not possible a group text or email.
There is a process you could use. Called Caring Bridge it can help communications
https://www.caringbridge.org
As to POA and Trustee, that is something that is not their business and I know/hope that you know that you are not supposed to share private financial information with ANYONE else, including siblings. If you don't know that, see an attorney (your POA/Trustee pays for that expert advice) and learn about that, then return to tell them "I am so sorry; I just found out that I should not be discussing private financial info with you". They can google all that themselves if they wish to.
I don't know who all is involved here. You might consider this; it is what I did because I didn't want to/nor have time to talk with everyone about everything especially in early years of being POA/Trustee and caregiving, placing, attending medical with my brother. I did a computer update that went out to certain specific people: His ex partner, his best friend, my own daughter, etc. It had a sort of brief daily diary. Such as "Dee feeling positive; says not happy about diagnosis but happy to know there's a reason for what he's feeling. Saw attorney and all paperwork done. Looking at a few ALFs next week; will let you know how that goes. No other news. All take care."
I hate phones. Everyone knows that of me. This worked real well. I ignored meaningless question and just got on with day or answered the next.
Good luck.
Not one of those ingrates ever thanked me for or acknowledged my cheerful, positive progress reports. In fact, later it was reported to me that this was "controlling." So I'm through. Let them dangle. If they care so much, they'd be there cutting up their food, pushing them around in the wheelchair, and cheering when they manage to walk a few steps without falling down. Control THAT, I say!
Unless they ask you , a friendly text, like hey how's mom been, or maybe a text saying, her when you get Dad's dental appointment, let me know I'll bring him.
If you get none of that then don't bother with them at all.
Update & risk getting nitpicked ("Have you..? Why don't you..")
VS
Don't update & be accused
("Why didn't you tell me?")
Is there a compromise somehow?
Send a super short message for important stuff & elaborate only if asked to?
So quit adding more to your already full plate, and let your siblings reach out if they want to.
BUT when you don't want to, then no need. Do what works for you.
"If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?" Exactly this right here.
Of course it isn’t bad to stop sharing what should be your parents’ private information anyway. When you give them something to use against you, they’re going to use it. Many families are like this.
You have the power. Don’t give it away.