My mom hasn’t been to a doctor in about 45 years, due to religious beliefs, and seems to be struggling with Alzheimer’s—in my opinion moderately. I want to be respectful of the choices she’s made, but it’s hard to consider doing nothing to diagnose her condition, or take steps to combat the progression of this disease. She’s living with me as we transition her out of her home (my stepdad passed away a month ago, and she can’t stay at her home alone - nor does she want to), but she is growing increasingly suspicious and secretive towards me. From what I can surmise, she thinks I’m trying to take over everything from her—which in some sense is true, she cannot pay bills, make appointments, or generally manage day to day obligations or events, but it seems like she sees my help with this as something shady I’m trying to do “to” her, not “for” her.
I’m wondering how I should proceed with her… is there a way to have her see a doctor—or a doctor see her? She has no primary care physician, and no medical record as far as I know. My step dad tried to have her see a doctor before he passed, but she refused. She 100% doesn’t believe that there’s anything wrong, and even if she did she wouldn’t seek medical treatment.
I definitely think you should take the good advice of Fawnby gave you in the comments. Report her to APS and ask them to come out for a home assessment for you. It is impossible to caregive for a demented elder at home with no medical care. Call APS. They will help you figure it out and if you have to, allow your mother to become a Ward of the State. The state will put her in a memory care facility.
I'd suggest you report her to APS and have them come into the home under the radar - presenting themselves as a friend of yours or something like that. Mom needs to be in a facility or your life will become a living hell.
What will you do when she physically fights you when you try to keep her clean? Won't shower? Stinks? Takes her poop out of the toilet and carries it around? Wanders down the street? Calls the police repeatedly on YOU? She needs meds to help with all of this and you need O-U-T of an obligation that you NEVER should have decided was yours. (You can just as easily decide that it isn't yours, but that's material for another post.)
You have excellent advice below, all of which I second.
Someone in this level of denial would require soon enough the care of several shifts of folks with several working on each shift.
You have just moved yourself in one fell swoop from being a daughter to being a caregiver. That is a very bad move and will get you no thanks whatsoever, and decades of misery with an uncooperative and beset senior.
I would call and discuss with APS when you see this isn't doable.
Does your moms religion have any people in her community that are medically knowledgeable. Like I'm thinking about the Amish, they have there own medically knowledgeable people, that handle small things there way. Or is there someone from her church that can talk her into going to the doctors.
I believe it's important for your mom to get to the doctors, but I also will say with many dementia there is not a lot that can be done, but since she hasn't been she needs to make sure this isn't physical, like a bladder infection can cause, many dementia symptoms.
Best of luck, this is not an easy one.
Time to come into the 21st century! Her refusal to do what she needs to do is ridiculous. I can tell you her entire behavior and mindset will be impossible to deal with. Do you build an outhouse for her outside? Get a pot belly stove to heat the house for her? Bring buckets of boiled water to bathe her?
Do you see how ridiculous this is yet? Do not get sucked in. She had her entire life to make arrangements and get her affairs in order. Her way does not rule the world order. How did she give birth without a doctor to help deliver?
I would make it clear her stubborn attitude and lack of concern for others (other than herself) is going to be her one way ticket into a nursing home. They aren't insane asylums anymore either. They have flush toilets and television!
I would be figuring out where to place her, don't take her in your home. Dealing with a stubborn, elderly dementia patient will destroy your last good years. Respect her by ensuring she gets proper medical care and a safe place to live. Possibly in a facility of her "religion" would be good?
Like others said, her Alz will only get worse. You will need a neurologist to find a the right medications to relieve her worsening anxiety. The time she steals from you with her nonsense will be time you will never get back.
Good luck.
Most dementias are diagnosed by discounting all other possibilities, like dehydration, a UTI, vitamin deficiency, diabetes, thyroid, tumor, etc. Some can be diagnosed with brain imaging, but still -- if it's dementia: no treatment, no cure. There are meds that maybe stall the progression (like Aricept) but it has to be taken early on after diagnosis and it works for only a very short span, like 2 or 3 years, then not at all.
If she doesn't have a primary doctor, she won't be able to even get meds for depression, anxiety, agitation.
If she's going to live with you please know that in-home, hands-on caregiving is very challenging. There's an entire topic on this forum dedicated to burnout. Now you have a decision to make. Do you honor what you know your Mom would choose for herself, which would be to avoid doctors and medical treatment of any kind even if her behavior devolves to the point of causing you to regret having her with you? Or do you use a therapeutic fib to get her in to see a doctor? If you are not willing to go against her beliefs then I strongly urge you to not take her in, or at least be willing to transition her into a facility when her care get overwhelming to you. And, hoping she has the money to fund at least 3 years of it. Or, she has funds to pay for an in-home aid to give you a break.
Also, are you her PoA? If not, this will make trying to manage her affairs more difficult.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.