I usually take my mother to Florida with me for the winter but did not this winter due to difficulty traveling with her alone. She still lives alone and my sister who lives five miles from her looked in on her and provided her main meal and took her to appointments. I am getting ready to go back to PA and will stay with mom about a month until my husband returns. I have been asking my mother to gather a few things together so I can take her to get her taxes done. She has no idea what she needs since I have gathered the info since her husband died. Yesterday I called her and told her one by one what she needed and stayed on the phone until she found the 5 documents, she found one because she had no idea what the rest were. I asked her to get the fan fold file folder, easy to carry in her walker, out and look for the other documents and I would call her back. When I called her back, she was in the living room trying to hold the folder on her lap, hold it open and trying to find the documents, complaining the folder wouldn't stay open. I said why didn't you put it on the kitchen table, it would be more stable and explained how to secure the lid. You would think I would have asked her to walk ten miles. She whined, she threw a fit because she had to walk six feet to the kitchen table. I said I suppose you're walking without your walker. She again whining said this folder won't fit in the walker. I know it would fit in the basket, I bought the folder. Where the folder is kept, she had to walk past the dining room table which is two feet from where the folder is kept, walk past the kitchen table also and then into the living room to her recliner. All she wants to do is sit in her recliner. If she is asked to do anything she whines like a child, pretends she is crying. I am already getting stressed about going to her house to stay. She is getting less safe everyday regarding living alone. My sister and I both thought we could manage her living between us but to be honest her behavior at times is so nerve wracking that we are rethinking it. We have four hours a week from the Area Agency on Aging, that is all she qualified for. Her money would only last about a year and half in Assisted Living and that's IF her home would sell which needs repairs and the closest Assisted Living Facilities are forty five minutes to an hour away from family and friends and she is not Skilled facility appropriate. We love her dearly but I never thought my mother would be like this.
My mom's cognitive decline sounds similar to your mom's. What I did is I helped my mom buy a condo right next to mine. The jury is still out on if that was the best choice, because I am still "adjusting" to this nightmare, but I can tell you the good aspects in case you and your sister can manage something similar.
Having her right next to me BUT IN HER OWN SPACE means when it gets to be too much I can leave. However I am close enough to monitor her closely and watch out for her safety. I can come and go as tolerated. As things progress she is so close I could set up a nanny cam on my wifi in her place. Her being close means if something happens, lets say in the middle of the night or whatever- I can be there in seconds.
I helped her fix up her place so that she really likes it. It is pleasing to her eye and as she isolates more she is at least happy in her space. She has a wonderful water view and can watch boats and activity. She's actually very lucky to have such a nice place, my husband and I contributed a lot of money to make sure it was nice. There was one time when she kept complaining about something small and trivial. She wouldn't shut up about it so I finally shot back- "It could be worse, you could be in a nursing home". That shut her up. Honestly, the toxic non-stop complaining can border on abuse if you don't call them out.
So I think it really comes down to boundaries and having your own safe space to retreat to so you can get rest and a break. Not to mention privacy with your husband.
Is a move like that possible for your mom?
However. In that case, you do have to recognise yourself as someone who is not going to be able to handle her care. Doesn't make you a bad daughter, let alone a bad person, but it does make it a bad idea to continue as is.
You are becoming increasingly irritated with your mother, and you are beginning, unconsciously, to treat her with harshness.
You have always taken her to Florida. She is now a nuisance (she is, I'm not being rude about either of you) to travel with, so you didn't do that, you sensibly set up alternative arrangements and went alone. That's fine; but the net result is she got left behind because she wasn't wanted. Think she didn't see it like that? Think she didn't mind?
You have done her taxes for her since her husband died. For very good reasons, this particular year you needed your mother to do some of the most basic prep. No biggie. But think it through.
Year on year it has been easier for you to do her taxes than to help her to do her own. But all of a sudden, however many years later, you expect her to find these papers and handle the job on her own, with you providing telephone support? You might as well have been instructing her on brain surgery. She expected to fail, she duly failed, because your requirements of her, while trivial in themselves, were off the scale to her. Which you knew, because that's why you've always just done it yourself. And now, you're annoyed about it?
She is getting heavier, but also your tolerance is wearing out. And your sister feels much the same, yes?
Before you go and stay with her, I would urgently review your expectations of her everyday behaviour. Try pretending that she is getting over a nasty bout of 'flu, for example; make a conscious decision to pamper her and be methodically kind. Also, schedule in some highlights for yourself so that the whole ghastly month doesn't loom over you as you land at the airport.
Longer term, I agree that you and your sister *should* rethink the care plan - not least so that she and you don't end up swallowing your own tongues in frustration, but also so that your mother gets a broader kind of support as her needs increase.
As you already have a functioning relationship with the AAA, have you thought about consulting them on next steps?
I'm not being funny. Treat her like an adult and call her on it.
If what is ACTUALLY happening is that she's getting agitated and teary because this task is too much for her, you need to find a way to reduce that stressor, ie, having her mail reflected. Or at least the important stuff.