Thank you for all the support the last month or so, helping me navigate the challenges of helping a loved one living under my roof, but not following house rules. My FIL passed yesterday after experiencing cardiac arrest while parked at a shopping center. Our kids (12, 10, 9) took the news hard, and I'm hoping that some of you have ideas on how to help navigate grief with our children while grieving ourselves. If anyone has experience helping their kids through the death of someone that lived with them, I'm all ears for suggestions on things that helped, and did not help.
I would tell the kids, who are kind of inbetween very young and teens something to this effect:
"You know, granddad was older; he had a whole entire long long life, and he's so lucky in that. And at the end he didn't have much suffering. He was here and happy one moment and then gone. And while that's great for grand, it is pretty shocking for us, because we had no time to prepare ourselves.
Old age can be really tough. You lose a lot of abilities, and you grieve a lot of losses. And Granddad doesn't have to face that now. I am hoping you can be a little relieved for him even though you grieve for yourself that you will miss him, and that he won't be there to be so proud of you as you grow. I hope you remember he loved you, and you will try to make him proud. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. If you want to talk about him we can. If you don't want to don't. He would be happiest if you can just go on living your life; that would make him easy in his heart."
They say that kids when young mostly worry about this: "OK, granddad died. What if MOM and DAD does. WHAT ABOUT US". Children are dependent and by nature they worry about THEMSELVES." They need to be reassured that there will always be someone caring for THEM while they need it.
I am sorry for your loss. Do your best. You can do no more.
Talk about grandpa.
Talk about the fun things they did, what he taught them, how he was as you knew him in his younger years.
Tell your kids that they can still talk to him, they just have to listen harder for him to answer.
there is a saying...A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when his name is spoken for the last time. So keep grandpa alive by talking about him, making his favorite meal, getting his favorite ice cream.
There are plenty of books about dealing with grief, check your local library (remember that brick building with all the books?)
there are many more resources now than when I was a kid. (my Mom died when I was about 11 and we had no one to talk to about it, our Dad was as lost as we were. Another story for another day...)
https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/guidelines-for-helping-grieving-children#:~:text=Keep%20lines%20of%20conversation%20open,available%20to%20listen%20and%20help.
My condolences on the loss of your FIL. Best of luck to you.
My mil passed when my boys were about 12 , 10, 5 and 2 I don't believe I handle it well at all
My whole family was extremely close to her. She was my first experience with dieing and I was devastated. It was very quick. One day I'm begging her to the doctors, doctor put her in hospital, diagnosed her with cancer, went into a coma the next day.
I honestly can't tell you what to do.
But I can help with what not to do.
Don't , get so lost in your own pain, and don't think they are ok, no matter how much they are acting normal.
It sucks, but I should of exspecially put my oldest exspecially before my pain
He went down, deep into the teenage rebellion and drug rabbit hole.
I should of giving him much more support and got him counseling,
In the end, everything turned out amazing. He works for the state for mental health, wonderful family.
But it was rough.
Sorry about your loss. I commened you for thinking about this in your period of grief
I will suggest counseling for them, even talk to the school counselor. And maybe get yourself counseling so your stronger to help them.
Best of luck, my deepest condolences. 🙏😔