How do you motivate a lazy, lazy, LAZY spouse?
This man just got a new right shoulder. Left hip was a few years ago, has not had the kind of use we hoped for but does not hurt at least. Post SHOULDER surgery, he acts like he CAN'T WALK!! He asked for a wheelchair from the closest spot in the handicap parking zone to walk to the front of the hospital to see our first grandbaby who was just delivered. He has dragged a chair into the kitchen so he can sit down while fixing a meal for himself. He walks maybe 50 - 75 feet at a time and says he is out of breath, but that it is really just his sinuses (nose) clogging up so he "can't breathe" - and he tells me this is complete normal voice, normal length sentences. He ALREADY sits about 12 hours a day playing Everquest and watching Fox news. NOTHING wrong with his heart - normal echo. Better labs than me re diabetes risk and cholesterol, he's got better genes. No indication of DVT or PE. He does have awful sleep apnea that he refuses to treat, because he sleeps just fine... Oh, and the shoulder surgeon got him about 20% further with the range of motion that he yells at me for doing, without a peep. He worries about "pressure" on his shoulder (touching it) and going over bumps in the car even two weeks post op. He's been terrified of his shoulder dislocating when we bathe or do his therapy, while he will not keep the brace on correctly and LEANS on the arm with it on which is probably what damaged it in the first place. Truth be told - I'm angry. Angry that our chance to enjoy activities together that require mobility, which we both used to love, is evaporating just because he is so lazy and fearful of the wrong things. The shoulder will be fine. But he is losing leg strength to the point of having a hard time getting up from a chair that is not exactly the right height or the right firmness, or getting in and out of a car. The frosting on the cake today was he signaled to me to drive up closer to him to pick him back up after the doctor visit which meant I was stuck in a long line - rather than him walking about 15 feet further to where I could have just pulled right out - and was late to my own clinic this afternoon. And the frosting on the frosting was after he got cleared to go home and take a shower - which he needs badly, as my bed baths are marginally adequate and he has a lot of deep skin folds - he then suggested is that I get his old bath chair out of the attic so he can use it!! I read him the riot act and told him in no uncertain terms where this is heading for him and for us, complete with a little profanity for punctuation, and unless you all tell me I am a terrible human being for not getting him his shower chair, I am NOT GOING TO DO IT!!
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And though I've lived here in the colonies all my life, I actually know what a fortnight is. Actually getting one off work would be quite a feat too - I was supposed to have almost that much time off this month, but they failed to block my clinic schedule and I am down to the better part of ONE week in October. We are currently short staffed and will be for at least several more months...
Shoulder doc simply does not prescribe PT at this stage, home health nursing for a shoulder is not a covered item and we are currently going broke covering various expenses for my daughter, spouse and NEW GRANDBABY (hooray for that! - she's a delight!!) but hopefully that settles down for the future by the time something else goes haywire and he really needs it.
But I can't thank you all enough for reassuring me that hubby dearest really does not need babied, and ought to tolerate a gentle kick in the butt or two :-) I had to be away 2 overnights already for an outreach clinic and he did more or less OK but a lot of stuff he was supposed to do did not get done. 2 more weeks and he's out of the splint/sling and driving again so probably better mood and fewer excuses. THANKS!!
I don't mean, walk out of the door without warning - you'd only be giving him a grievance. But plan a break, tell DH's doctor and therapists what you're doing, set up visiting help as much as you think good (bathing, cooking, light housework), and get out of there to get your breath and your temper back.
DH is co-operating with his team (I know you are a professional, too, which must make all this doubly frustrating) but not with you; so maybe it would be best to leave him to sort himself out and see if it's like thumping the tv. And if not, then at least you'll have had a nice rest.
Did he go to rehab? Probably not. He's got a doc at home, why should he go to rehab, right? (That's his thinking, not yours).
The first rule of the helping professions is "you can't do for your own". It's a REALLY hard thing to accept. We all tell it to each other, but accepting for ourselves? Not so much.
Has he seen a psychiatrist? Is he on sufficient antidepressant medication? It sounds as though he has significant anxiety and might need some CBT and perhaps meds to work through. Can you get his doc to talk to him about that? It really CAN'T be YOUR suggestion.
Can he go to outpatient rehab a couple of days a week? Or inpatient? He really needs some tough nurses to deal with him right now.
Check back, tell me I'm wrong about all of this. I'm sure others will be along to add better advice.