Mom moved in two years ago and it was way too stressful for me and because she insisted on being so independent and basically compete with me she broke her pelvis, femur and hip. She fell a few more times while at my home. She’s all healed up and I called her bluff three months ago because I couldn’t take her complaining, when she lived in our home, where she had everything. Private bathroom, bedroom, living room and could be anywhere else in our home, but upstairs. Even a day before her move she came upstairs (post injuries). She complains equally where she’s at now, which is a very nice 1 bedroom apt, w/balcony, kitchen at Brookdale. She calls it a prison. Won’t go downstairs to eat etc. I have groceries delivered. I’m the only daughter, 1 brother don’t count on.
Can I get on with my life or do I stay here until she passes? She’s well by the way. There isn’t anything I can’t do from where we’ve moving except see her. It’s so much about guilt which she is #1 at doing and me accepting. These last 2+ years have really been unhealthy and unhappy for me.
My husband wants her to go with us. He deserves to retire and move. I want too also.
You may find that once you're not available she's better motivated to interact with her neighbours.
You may also want to tinker cautiously with the grocery list and see if you can't nudge her towards eating downstairs that way.
How long is the journey going to be after you move? I realise this might be impractical; but if you design yourself a schedule of visits - whether that's Christmas, Easter, Whitsun; once every two months; every other blue moon; whatever - you might find that eases your mind about the guilt.
You are NOT abandoning this lady. You are just recognising the limits of what you can really, usefully do for her.
Mom is in a good set-up. And Mom is unhappy no matter where she is (proven over & over for the last 2 years).
Do what makes YOU happy & nurtures YOUR marriage and go where YOU want to go.
You can call Mom. Skype/facetime. Write letters. Send cards. Upload photos to a digital photo frame. Send care packages. Visit.
There’s nothing unusual about an adult child living in a different city than his/her parents.
We get so wrapped up in our aging parents’ crap. Especially emotional blackmail. And we’re so close to it, we lose sight of how warped the dynamic can get. (Sounds like hubby has a dose of that, too.)
Be free! Mom is safe, secure and healthy. It’s time to focus on yourself. (((big hugs)))
I would just tell her, we are moving and you are welcome to move to x facility in the same city or you can stay here. Those are the only options mom.
If she stays get her set up with a fudiciary that can be a liaison for you and help her if needed so you are not being pulled back continually. Make sure they are licensed and I believe it is certification through the supreme court, check your area. They are a bit pricey 100.00 to 160.00 an hour but cheaper then you flying back and forth, also a good one will have resources that you can utilize for less money. Get her set up with the visiting physicians group through brookdale, that way she can be see on site.
It sounds like she will be unhappy no matter where she lives, try not to own her feelings. Only she can change her outlook and I have learned, some people are only happy when they are miserable, joyous if they can make someone else miserable.
Get her set up and go enjoy your retirement.
I’m curious as to why, if your husband knows you are burned out and had enough, he wants his mother-in-law to come with. That’s rather inconsiderate of your wishes, isn’t it?
Or, does he fear that you may obsess over your mother’s well-being?
Make the move. Make sure all Mom’s papers are in order, the facility is aware that you’re moving and where, and go. Visit occasionally. Don’t get caught up in her complaining and negativity when you do. When you aren’t at her beck and call 24/7, she may just change her tune.
My initial reaction & thought reading the question didn't change at all after reading more of the details in the body of your post/question. Yes you can and should move on with your life, you should follow through with whatever plans you and your husband have and or continue to make in the future with no guilt. You have offered to have her go with you, you have both made it clear that there is and always will be a place for her with or near you, wherever you are (a loving and generous thing from you both under any circumstance but after reading more of your story...generous far above and beyond) if she chooses not to go, that's her choice. You have no responsibility to convince her to go with you and you certainly have no responsibility to change your plans or stay. Even if you didn't have plans yet but wanted to make them you should and including an option for your mom either with you or close by is really all you can do.
By the sounds of it she is well enough at least cognitively to be in control of her affairs so ultimately it's up to her, you don't have any control over where she chooses to live (out of the options given to her), don't give her control over where you and your husband decide to live. I understand the details aren't that simple, there will likely come a time when she can't live alone and maybe you will have to make the decision to move her but you can only try to prepare for that you can't live your life for it now, make your life decisions based on that possibility. Let your mom make her housing and location decisions, you make yours and if you can get your mom to think ahead and prepare, lay the ground work for the future, great. If not you can do your research about places near your new home to prepare for yourself and you can establish the boundaries you need to and a pattern of visits and involvement in her life where she is now that works into your life. If moving means you can only visit once every 3 or 6 months, so be it and if she complains remind her it was and is her choice, you offered for her to move with you. Set up a relationship with the people around her, maybe set up some security cameras, an Amazon or Google version of electronic methods to visit and be present. But live your life, include her as much as you want and she is willing but don't fight her, save that, pick your battles because there are bound to be more to come and don't waste your happiness, time and energy on guilt. I don't see anything in your post that gives me any sense of something you might feel guilty about. You might try being clear and upfront about how her decisions now, willingness or lack of willingness to prepare for, make decisions about future possibilities may make all the difference about how much control she has over the future but again don't let it dominate your life, especially if she isn't cooperative. I mention all of that because now as there are big changes happening is a good time to talk about those things and it might help her transition better, not create barriers if she feels in control and has things to do that make her an active part of your life and her own, planning for her future around your new living situation might give her just that.
Good luck and enjoy this new and exciting chapter in your lives! It sounds great, I'm jealous.
I’m gojng forward with our plans. We all deserve it. Thank you friend!! XO
Also, if at all possible, get a durable Power of Attorney for health and financial in place for your mom. That way if she deteriorates mentally, or has a health emergency, you can make decisions for her.
Mom is safe and healthy. I know you’d like her to be safe, healthy AND happy, (we all wish for that) but happiness has to start with Mom. You can’t make mom happy if she’s determined to be miserable. However, you can make yourself happy.
mom can always decide for herself if she wants to move later on.... it doesn’t mean that she’s staying where she is forever. Let her do it on her terms (when and IF she moves near you)...
enjoy your new endeavor!