I am 58 yrs old. and my Brother (48) and I supply all of our parents caregiving needs with Parkinson's and dementia. How do you explain the $ value of that to your sis?

Your brother, op, gets and gives food stamps that the government gave him as his “godsend” contribution but “parties” three times a week? Who’s paying the bills for his bar tabs, ubers and whatever he associates with partying? And now you have moved in too, which enables him to continue that?

24/7 care at $25/hour runs $18,600 per month. That $223,200 per year.

Tell your sister that if she'd rather, she can pay 1/3 of that to you (a mere $74,400), you can bill your parents' estate for that amount and she'll get 1/3 of what's left after they die, or she can shut her yap.

That should take care of the problem.

I have known a dozen male caregivers. There is usually a combination of factors in why they moved home.

1. Divorce
2. Impeding homelessness
3. Chronic unemployment or underemployment
4. Substance abuse
5. criminal convictions facilitating (3).

This caregiver has already stipulated that his brother meets four of these conditions but is now trusted with caregiving. He himself meets at least one.

If you’re the sister, maybe you don’t want your parents’ care to be in the hands of these two. I mean, objectively, would you?

You explain the value of these services by getting some price lists. Like what the monthly bill for two people in a nursing home would be. You work part-time as a handyman so you know what the pricing looks like for that. So write it down. Save every receipt for ANYTHING that you have to buy for your parents and show them to your sister. I know that weekly bill is high enough for two babies in diapers. For two adults, it's a lot more.
Also, show your sister this post because I'd like her to know what 24-hour help costs. I did one live-in case in the early 2000's where I split the week with another aide. It was private-pay (always cheaper than using a care agency) and my pay was around $880 a week. More when it was my week to work the Sunday. That was a long time ago. What round-the-clock would cost today for two with serious needs?
Tell your sister that for both of your parents to be placed in the poorest quality nursing home in Connecticut would start at around $25,000 a month. If memory care is needed which the only difference between that and regular care is a locked door, costs more.
Many siblings have a misconception about "not paying rent" in a caregiving situation in which case they should be asked if they work for free and then pay their boss for the privilege of being allowed to work.
Tell your sister that you and your brother are the only way she may have some potential inheritance when your parents pass. If they were put into a nursing home everything they ever had, their monthly income, their home, and any assets they hold would be eaten up in a matter of a few months unless they're millionaires.
So here is what you and your brother do.
You call a cable company. Xfinity, Frontier, whatever today. You get every channel too. HBO, Showtime, TMC, Netflix and all the streaming services and the + channels. Your parents pay for it. Really, it seems kind of cruel to me that your parents can't even watch tv. Watching tv is a pretty big part of the lives of old folks like them.
Your food and your brother's is paid for by them too. Live-in caregivers get meals.
I truly hope you have mom and dad's POA. This way if you're the one who does the bill paying then you spend whatever you want on the grocery bill or the cable bill. Since your brother doesn't work at all he should apply for food stamps. Every bit helps.
There's no reason why you should worry about your parents being left alone because they should never be left alone. If you go out your brother is on duty to watch them and be available. Same thing when he goes out, you are there. Work that out with him.
Please do show your sister this post and let her know that the person who wrote it has been a professional in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have my own homecare agency now. I know how expensive care is. So unless she wants to move in and take care of mom and dad 24/7 herself or put them both in residential care, she needs to shut the hell up. ~BC

If I were you, I would start to look into hiring at home care givers, or doing research on the cost if your parents were to go to a managed care facility.

Show it to your sister or involve your sister in the discussions. She may or may not be able to understand how much work you are doing.

If you can get a doctor saying that your parents require around-the-clock care, you could deduct the cost of the at-home care giver as a medical expense, assuming that they are paying taxes on their income/pension. That might help convince her that you are working.

When a family member moves back into a parent's house and doesn't pay rent or the property taxes, or something substantial, there is always the chance that the non-caregiving sibling will think of the person as a freeloader.

I'm sorry, some people are adamant that perception is reality.

P.S. Let your brother deal with your sister's perceptions. You have enough on your plate without having to defend his actions (and congrats on getting brother to help!)

You are 100% out of your minds to do this, OP and brother. Seriously. Don’t expect canonization for sainthood any time soon. What on earth made you think this was a good idea? Parents should plan for their own futures, not look to their kids to be the solution. But you took it on, now you are deep in it. Not sure how you can extricate yourself…but cut that sister some slack. She seems to have a sensible view of the situation. It’s not her fault if you choose to play martyr.

It does sound like your parent´s care is overwhelming. You mention that you feel your sister is resentful of the fact that you (and your brother) live rent free. Is it also possible that you are a little resentful of the fact that she is able to live her life without having to provide care - even though she lives so close?

If I may ask - how did you end up giving up your entire life - your job, your social life, your home - and take on the responsibility of caring for your parents 24 hours a day? With all due respect - there are other options available - especially for those who need round the clock care. You mention that your father is losing mobility quickly and has such low blood pressure that he could potentially pass out at any time while your mother has serious dementia and gets disoriented very quickly -so when you have to go do your handyman work and your brother is not around - who takes care of them? This definitely sounds like a situation in which they need true round the clock care - with caregivers who are on site 24/7 and able to respond immediately in an emergency. That is not to make light of what you are doing - it just means that maybe their needs have surpassed what you as one person are able to give them.

Perhaps your sister feels about your situation the way DH and I do about our situation. My SIL and BIL needed temporary help and moved in with FIL for a short term stay. In that time FIL went from fully independent to fully dependent and their relationship is very co-dependent and enmeshed now. He needs 24 hour care - in a skilled nursing facility now -his needs have surpassed what they can do for him. But things are complicated now and any decisions that are made for him greatly impact them and their future. It is not exactly resentment so much as exasperation over the fact that what needs to be done can not be done because he uses the fact that they are there to delay what needs to be done. And because they do not have any plans to leave, he does not have to make any plans to leave. But also much like your situation, they are burning the candle at both ends, wearing themselves out and to the point where they need help taking care of him.

And before you ask why WE are not helping - we are doing all that we can. We help as much as we can. We don´t live there, we both work full time, and live nearly an hour away. And not to put too fine of a point on it, but if they were not living there - other arrangements would have been made by now to ensure 24/7 care for him, and it would not have been provided by family. And his resources would have all gone to see that he was taken care of.

You say you are tired of hearing your sister´s mouth. But have the two of you actually sat down and talked about the reality of your parent´s care? The way you describe things - you are not going to be able to maintain this pace alone for much longer. It does not sound like you can leave them alone now as it is. You already worry. You will probably need to start hiring someone to stay with them while you work.

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and have a real talk about their future. Figure out what that looks like and what can be done. Finding a place for them to live where they have 24 hour care IS taking care of them by the way. It is admitting that you cannot possibly take care of two aging adults who need round the clock care by yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Does your sister hold POA? If not I would make sure you have it ASAP. Also, it would be a good idea to set up a caregiving contract to make sure you are compensated fairly, and brother as well. This could mean free room/board and compensation related to caregiving duties. Once you have that you can display to sis if you'd like. As far as her mouth, ask her if she'd like to changes places and do the caregiving for a week. Maybe she'd have a different perspective. If not, tell her to pound sand and just ignore her.

Look at it as your a live-in caregiver. Normally a person hired to be a live-in aide gets room and board free. They also get paid at least minimum wage. They work 40 hrs a week with time off. The employer has to hire someone to fill in the hours the aide is off or a family member steps in. Njs minimum is now approx $14 an hr. Thats $560 a wk, about 29k a year that if you lived in NJ you are saving your parents and sis her inheritance.

I would really wonder how your sister thinks u can pay rent when u don't work. I too think at 58 you should be worrying about ur future. Social Security goes back 35 yrs only. Not 35 years of work experience just years. So lets say u start collecting at 62 and they go back 35 yrs, thats 27 yr old. In that 35 yrs, you haven't worked the last 10 years, usually your biggest earning years. Your SS is going to be calculated on ur earnings from 27 to 52. Only 25 yrs. And by taking SS at 62 you only get 75% unlike the 100% you would get at 67.

Its time your parents were placed. There care is going to be more and more and you have no support. Brother will just need to find another place to live.

It isn't important to explain anything to them because it is clear there will likely not be an understanding.
What IS important is how things are handled legally for you and I would consult an elder law attorney to be certain a POA is in place, and a shared expenses contract that stipulates that you are giving care and in exchange will receive A)
no rental costs B) gas and car maintenance expenses C) lawn care and outdoor management expenses --just whatever the attorney suggests to you.
Because sibling trouble makers can cause trouble. You want legally to keep things straight and in order with accounting for any penny of your parents income in and out.
See an attorney to protect yourself. And good luck.

If you want understanding of your position, strive to understand the position of your opponent in an equally empathetic way.

Your brothers according to both of you, has been a leech his whole life. Plus to be fair, moving in and having only irregular side work isn’t normally called employment. She may fear that you two may be more dependent on them than they are for the care currently provided. She may fear that you two may not or will not be able to care for them or one of them better than a facility

While it seems to me that you're trying to portray yourself as a martyr, giving up this and giving up that to care for your parents, you obviously are getting something out of it or you wouldn't be doing it. There's more to the story than you're sharing.
Because who in their right mind would give up a full-time job and their own financial security for when they get older unless there was something in it for themselves, right? I'm just saying.
Both you and your brother should be out on your own working and living your own lives and planning for your own futures.
Your parents have had their lives, and you shouldn't have to give up yours for theirs.
I don't know if anyone is their POA, but whoever is should be considering having your parents move into an appropriate facility, where they will receive the 24/7 care they need and be around other folks their ages, or full-time in-home help can be hired in so you and your brother can move out and get on with growing up and getting on with your own lives.
It's time to quit using your parents as excuses for not wanting to be adults.

Ask your sister how much rent she thinks 24/7 caregivers normally pay their clients. What's her better value for money alternative suggestion?

Your sister sounds absolutely clueless. There is a lot of it about, I'm afraid.

Have you and little brother thought this through to the end, as Glad asks?

I have a cousin who moved in with his parents in middle age, to "help out". Their care needs were complex and overwhelming.

By the time the second parent died (in a facility, with bad dementia) my cousin was physically and mentally broken, and pretty much unemployable. He sold real estate for a bit and then put a gun to his head.

AND yes, his sibling was always critical for "not paying rent".

Think about the value of what you are doing. Get a cost of estimate of care from a caregiver agency. My bet is that 24/7 care from an agency will be 12-15K per month. Ask for a formal proposal and get sis a copy. She has no idea how absurd and greedy this makes her sound.

Are you sure you want to continue? Check with an elder law attorney on what can be done to get paid. Some states will allow a family caregiver to remain in the home if they have cared for the parent, keeping them out of a nursing home, for a period of two years.

What happens to you when they need facility care or pass away?

Time for your partying younger brother who does not work to take the night shift with your father.

So you quit working fulltime, and there goes any financial security for your retirement, right?

What is the financial situation for your parents? Can they afford live-in help? Can you at least move out and start becoming self-sufficient again?

Your sister seems very concerned about money. Is the family home worth much? What does their will look like? If all 3 inherit equally, that doesn't seem right. Are there other assets?

Who is the POA/HCPOA? Who is the executor of their will?

Does this arrangement seem fair to you, in any possible way?