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All of our family live out of state. I (and he) want to stay in our home, but I have had to leave my job to take care of him. He has a feeding tube in place and has to be fed 4 times a day, and his meds have to be crushed and put in the feeding tube.


I love my husband very much, but I am getting burned out with all the doctor appointments and financial burdens. The kids are not financially able to help. Please advise.

Find Care & Housing
Staying home with loved ones who provide care, nurture, and support if always the goal. However, the reality is that it doesn't always work this way. You truly have 2 options:
1 - Move closer to family who can provide support. Make sure you have firm agreements on who will help on which days and will do ______ type of care.
2 - Help your loved one to move into skilled nursing facility. His level of care indicates that skilled nursing is most likely the appropriate level of care. Ask his doctor for assistance.
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Reply to Taarna
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My husband will be 80 in August.

Thank you for the support and help. I have the POA for him. I have applied for Medicad and he has been approved but I'm being told that I need to wait for a letter in the mail and a phone call and I should have everything by the 24th of this month if not to call them again. He fell in August and was hospitalized had surgery was in the hospital for a month and then in rehab for a month then released home without anything. Had PT,OT, ST etc for 3 weeks then it stopped and was sent out to all. I also applied for long term care. I need to find a place for him close by Wellington. Thank you for all the support and questions.
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Reply to Dea811945la
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We all if we had our druthers would love to stay in our homes, but often life just doesn't work out that way, and changes must be made for the best of all involved.
And what may be best now is placing your husband in the appropriate facility where he will be taken care of 24/7 and where you can go back to work and get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his burned out and financially strapped caregiver.
And if money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid and see an elder law attorney to work out the details with the finances.
Our children should NEVER have to use their own money to help support us as they will need their own money for when they get older.
I am sorry that you're having to deal with all of this with your husband, but it now must come down to what is best for all involved, and yes, that includes you.
Best wishes in making wise choices going forward.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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How old is your husband?

You could see if you can get help thru Medicaid. Its income based. Thevother choice, is placing him in a nice Longterm care facility with Medicaid paying. Before you do that, it's wise to see an Elder Lawyer about having your assets split. You don't want Medicaid including your SS, IRAs, pension or 401ks as his income. You want to protect whats yours.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I cannot see an option here other than to have placement. Can you?
I hope you will tell us more about hubby. You mention he has to have a tube for feeding. Now that is the case for some who are competent in their minds and able to manage their own feedings and medications.
I think there's clearly more here. That would help us understand how sustainable this might be.
Your children should never put their own funds into the care of parents. It takes an entire lifetime of savings, good jobs, coupon clipping to be set to sustain yourself in age. They cannot afford now to support to in that manner, though it could be hoped they might help in other ways.

Do write us about your and your husband's age. What assets you do or don't have to help with care. How much you have to work. And your husband's overall condition so we might give you a few more ideas.

I am so sorry for all you're going through.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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When my husband needed 24 hour care, I was very clear with him that I was glad to provide it as long as it was safe for both of us and our health wasn’t unduly compromised(physical or mental). We were very fortunate that I was able to take care of him by myself for over a year, but it was getting close. My first step would have been to hire private caregivers followed by seeking placement in a care home nearby. It’s heartbreaking, but if your physical and mental health decline you won’t be able to be there for him at all.

It sounds like you may not be able to afford private caregivers—people on this forum are very knowledgeable about the next step of finding long term care. I know one of the first questions asked is if he is a veteran and might qualify for services. As for your children, they need to be saving for their own futures so I’m glad they are not attempting to support you financially, cold as that may sound. I wish you well, it’s a terrible position to be in. Please keep coming here for support.
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Reply to MidwestOT
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