Mom is in a nursing facility due to back/neck injury/surgery and knee replacements and osteoarthritis and being bipolar. I could no longer physically/mentally cope with my mom. More to the point she has moments that she seems more herself (other than urine/fecal incontinence) and lately has been more confused than usual thinking they’ve moved her to another room and that there is a big house they’re moving furniture out of and thinks her room mate is mean and hateful to her. Not true she is a sweetheart. My mom has become so demanding and thinks I should jump when she demands something. She has been to a behavioral unit because she said if she had a gun she would blow her brains out. Adjusted meds, now in the last 10 days she has called me 3 times of the evening usually between 6-7 demanding my husband come get her and her room mate saying she’s in a different place and that there are people walking in the hallway that are going to hurt her and if she had a pistol and come into her room she would shoot them. She does not have a UTI as that was first thing they checked. She calls and cries and begs us to come get her and her room mate. Said she would call police and they would come get her. It’s heartbreaking how fast she’s going downhill. My dad had vascular dementia but acted nothing like my mother. I feel such guilt that I cannot bring her home and take care of her. She lived between my sister (who has to have a hip replacement) and myself for 3 years. It finally got to where I could no longer physically/mentally handle her. Especially since I was the only one taking care of her. Wondering if Sundowners lasts to death or something that comes and goes. She is so fearful and would not let them take her wet clothes off her to change her and when they came in to give her meds she told them she wasn’t going to take anything they gave her as they were trying to poison her. Any suggestions on how to respond to her when she calls and demands/begs us to come get her? I have to harden my heart when she calls so she doesn’t know I’m crying and trying to hold it together...
Yes. You will always feel responsible. I agree with that. Part of that responsibility is learning about the disease your mother has. You are trying to explain to her, you are trying to reason with her. She can’t reason can she? Her brain is broken.
You can distract. You can divert. YOU can learn. She can’t. You can help her be calmer by how you respond to what she says. Trying to convince her she doesn’t see what she knows she is seeing doesn’t work. It is real to her.
Google Teepa Snow. Do this before you visit with her next and see if it helps. It takes practice to respond appropriately.
As your moms advocate you can help her by continuing to educate yourself on her disease. Other family members will learn from you. Share Teepa’s name with them. I know you love your mom. She is lucky to have you.
How long has it been for your mom in the NH?
It sounds like she is having a rough time settling in and so are you. This is a tough tough time. Embrace that. This doesnt happen everyday. It takes time.
Have you asked for a geriatric psychiatrist to assess her meds?
I’m glad the UTI has already been checked out.
I do believe the sundowners will pass as her dementia progresses.
Please google Teepa Snow and watch one of her UTube videos. You will want to watch them all.
Also please read Atul Gawande’s book ‘Being Mortal’.
Mark your calendar today. Decide how many calls you will take from mom, when and how long you will stay on the phone. Set a timer. Get a journal. Each time she calls, note it in your journal.
When it’s the day and time you have set aside to talk to her, take notes. It will engage the part of your brain that allows you to think. Perhaps you will have some ideas written down to help you direct or at least manage the conversation.
Is mom safe? Has she eaten? Did she sleep well? Is she dry and clean and comfortable? Perhaps she can’t answer those questions but you can ask them of yourself while she is venting.
Allow her that.
My goodness. Look where she is. She has a right to vent.
Practice showing concern and empathy without making promises to change anything.
Let her know you hear her.
Do deep breathing. Meditate. Take walks. Let her go. Get strong. Turn her care over to the caregivers at her facility.
Decide to be a daughter. Visit and share life events. Hug her. Touch her. Let her feel your strong support. You carried her as far as you could. It’s time to let her go and let her care team take over.
Again, it’s a transition for you both. Come back and let us know how you and sister and mom are doing.