graygrammie Asked November 2021
Is getting more controlling part of dementia?
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My husband is getting more and more controlling. He has always been a controlling person but it is worse now. Is this normal? Do I address it to him or let it go?
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So often people describe others as "controlling" when actually the controller is stating only what he or she wants for him or herself, and the person describing resents feeling responsible for making it happen. That's a bit different.
Only I wouldn't call your husband's behaviour (as opposed to your husband, whom I've never met and wouldn't presume to criticize) controlling. I would call it frankly abusive, and I think the time has already come for you to protect yourself. What are your options?
Again as an aside, I often suspect that when people say mental or emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse they only think so because they've never experienced physical abuse, or not protracted, ongoing fear of physical violence at least. But you give a good example of the opposite argument. You are on high alert from waking to sleeping, and this kind of mental stress must have its physical effects.
Can you imagine being without it? How would that feel, to wake and know that your day is your own? Contrast that with the present reality to see how serious your situation has become.
In short, yes, controlling people will likely get more controlling.
I would address this with his doctor.
There are medications that can help with anxiety. It might take a while to get the correct drug and dose but it would be worth it.
You can't address it with him because he may no t even realize his wording or phrasing. It is almost like a Third Person
You do mention one thing I am concerned about though.
"God forbid if I don't have that item on hand"
What would happen?
What would happen if you did not make the meal he wanted?, watch the show he wanted you to watch?, stop and get a burger on your way home?
If any of these or any other would lead to violence to you then it is a matter of your safety and you HAVE to take care of yourself.
And do not think that if he has never been violent or physical previously that that will remain the same. Dementia is unpredictable and you do not know what parts of the brain have been damaged, destroyed.
Protect yourself.
If there is any way you can safely leave this situation I would do it. Dementia is not an excuse and sounds like as you said he has always been controlling. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Put yourself first.
Self sacrificing to the point where you are heart sick with stress isn't noble you know. It's good to be supportive of those you love (do you still love him?) but there is a limit. If loving someone means tolerating whatever they hand out to your own detriment then I'd say it's better to not have loved and risk losing oneself.
Someone who uses abusive behavior to control others follows a pattern that is predictable. Unfortunately it is predictable that the most dangerous and likely time for encountering physical violence from an abuser is when you try to leave or “rebel” against his attempts to control you.
Therefore, please don’t announce to him that you are going to take any actions to protect yourself (such as leaving) if you decide to do so. Instead, keep your plans to yourself, get advice from staff at a women’s shelter, and let them help you plan a safe way to leave.
Remember, if he is physically able to do anything at all for himself, then he is physically able to harm you when he sees that his attempts to control you aren’t working. He will up his mental game to physical violence to maintain control if he thinks he needs to.
I learned all this from experience and from abuse counseling. You can make it work with advice and support from shelter staff, even if you don’t need to stay at a shelter. These people care and have resources. Just call them.
I hope you are able to get help to change your situation, because your life is not over yet, and you deserve some happiness.
I'm sure the answer would be No, as any rational person wouldn't put up with such a thing.
So, why are you putting up with such abuse NOW? Dementia is no excuse to be abused to THIS degree. It's not okay. Even if he "can't help it" and "doesn't mean it" and it's "due to the disease", this abuse will wind up killing YOU before the dementia kills HIM.
Get him placed in Memory Care Assisted Living right away or move in with your daughter who's door is always open or SOMETHING. What's going on here is wrong on every level and has to stop immediately! He's your husband and you love him and he's sick but HE'S TORTURING YOU. This is exactly how and why love turns to hate, you typed it all out.
You did your best and there's no more you can do now. Next time he starts screaming, call 911 and have him shipped off to the ER. Get him a psych evaluation and refuse to take him back home when they want to release him. It's time to cry uncle.
There is no such thing as "just" laying down some ground rules and sticking to them, as if you could have fixed this super-simple little problem long ago if only you'd used your noggin, gee, silly me! There's nothing simple about FTD dementia, it's something the medical community scratches their heads about! And there's nothing simple or easy about fixing abuse women suffer or we would have fixed it eons ago, ffs. Some things aren't fixable and that's something we have to acknowledge before it puts us into an early grave for refusing to! Take this seriously, and not like a little bit of silly fluff some will make it out to be!
Wishing you courage, good luck and Godspeed
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You are setting yourself up for a stroke or a heart attack from the abuse you are enduring.
Do you think he would call 911 if you were laying on the floor? Something tells me no.
Look, from what you've described, your husband was mentally ill before he developed dementia. If you leave now, he will be able to live somewhere with good medical and psychiatric care. Which is what he needs.
On my book, tbrowing food on the floor IS physical.
Some are some are not.
My Husband was never controlling. He was always gentle and compliant.
Each person is different.
Since your husband has been diagnosed with FTD as well as other problems the controlling issues might be related to other things not just the dementia.
As to "letting it go" how much does your husband retain? If he remembers things that you ask him telling him how you feel might work. (although you do not say what he is trying to control)
If this is new though you should discuss it with his doctor.
The control issues might be anxiety and there are medications.
If this is a personality change it could be a UTI
(Of course sadly, many never get the chance as are struck down before old age).
Others, have reduced ability or insight to make these adjustments. Barriers such as mental illness or physical illness (brain changes, liver/kidney function) that impair thinking & judgement.
We all need choice & control in our lives - but some can 'let go' & 'go with the flow' better than others when they become dependant.
I do not know your husband of course, but suspect, due to your profile & posts that he has quite a rigid personality. Letting go has not been his style.
Nor my Mother's. Losing her independence to stroke unleashed that controlling behaviour you described (although milder). What to eat, when, when to go out, stay in, draw the curtains.
I think it sneaks up. One request, two, doesn't seem too bad. Also mixed in with possible caregiver guilt or survivor guilt too. But when you look at the bigger picture - it is one person bossing the entire day.
I find it hard to watch. I myself will not be bossed but get exhausted working out which battles to choose - just in a short visit!
I don't usually go for the medicine jar first (+ personality can't be medicated anyway) but I feel this situation is not healthy. Often meds CAN really help.
So see the Doctor about something for mood/anxiety.
If your husband accepts medication, hopefully he will be less anxious & controlling. (Working wonders for my Mother's anxiety).
He has the right to refuse. But You have the right to safety. So if there is ANY violence - take the necessary steps. Geriatric Mental Health Assessment.
I really wish you the best for your future Graygrammie ❤️.
I think it will take much strength, but use your family supports & faith, to start the next phase. Accept what is now. Accept both your abilities & limitations. Start the process of 'letting go'. By that I mean letting go of the marriage the way it has been. Going forward - people tell me the next part is like being a widow with a husband still living.
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