My husband and I have cared for my mother in law for the past 14 years. We put her into her own home next door to us after my father in law passed and she has been quite happy living here. Over the past 5 years or so she has developed dementia and it has gotten to the point that we had to take away her car keys last January when she came to our house at 9 PM barefoot and wearing cotton pj’s. It was below freezing outside. She had the car keys in her hand and said she was going home to California but could not get the car to turn off. She hasn’t lived in California since 1964. What happened was she had turned on the windshield wipers and couldn’t remember how to drive (thank God for that). That episode really scared us, and my husband and his sister began looking into a better living arrangement. We are moving her into a very nice assisted living place next week but I can’t stop this horrible feeling of depression that I have over having to put her there. I’m sure we are doing the right thing but I don’t feel good about it. I never expected this when we moved her here. I assumed she’d live out her days in her house doing the things she enjoyed and that’s how it would be. Life sure throws a monkey wrench into things, doesn’t it.
My Dad was in a senior facility and he really enjoyed having so many people wait on him :) He had weekly housekeeping, weekly linen service, and all his meals were served in the dining room menu stye... and he loved that food. And what he really liked he was around people of his own generation.
My Mom [98] refused caregivers or even the thought of downsizing to a 55+ community. So my Dad [94] was her caregiver, and vise versa. Their stock answer was "we can manage".
My Dad never expected the senior facility to look like a hotel. Dad adjusted quite quickly, but I do know there are many seniors who it will take months to adjust to a new residence so don't worry if that happens with your Mom. And do not think about bringing Mom back to her home. That would not be in her best interest.
As for elders walking out of their facilities, it all depends on the facility itself. The one my Dad was in had a Receptionist at the front door and none of the residents with memory issues were allowed out the front door being alone. After hours the building was secure. Only way to enter the building was by using a code, and a code to leave the building. Even the elevator was coded.
Ask where your Mom-in-law will be living what is the routine at night regarding locking the front door of the building, etc. And what do you do if you need to visit Mom after hours.
As for elderly residents walking out of their facilities, it definitely depends on the facility itself. Most assisted living facilities have a code that you need to use to enter or leave the building. Sometimes the receptionist will be the person who activates the door release from their desk.
Unfortunately some facilities post the code on the wall right next to the keypad. The elderly can be sneaky and I know of a situation where a resident memorized the code and used to let himself out because he wanted to go to a local bar and watch a game with his friends. Since it was a small town, he routinely walked to the bar while living at home and saw no reason why he couldn't do that while living at the assisted living facility. Curiously, he couldn't find his way from the dining room to his room at the assisted living facility :)
You must be a fantastic caregiver to be this upset. I am sorry it has come to this for you.
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