Here is another example of momma’s behavior with my brother and sister. Mommas’ medical needs have increased as she gets older. She is almost 91 and has a lot of Drs appointments. The last time I spoke with her she told me she wished I wouldn’t be so hard on my siblings. I have been the one to take care of momma for the past 14 years with not much help from siblings and like I said I need more help from siblings because I live out of state, and they live local. This is not the first time we have had this type of conversation. When I text messages to bro and sis about momma’s care and Dr apts I never get a reply from bro. Nothing. No comment. Blank. I am primary POA and he is secondary because he lives local. Sometimes I get something from my sister but usually it doesn’t make sense. She is bipolar and wants to make it all about her. When momma and I talked I explained to her again that I am sending these text messages to bro and sis for help. Momma comes back with “you want let them help”. Uh yes, I do that is why I am texting bro and sis? We continue our conversation and of course as usual I give her examples of where bro and sis have dropped the ball and momma replies to me “you don’t like your siblings very much do you”. Also, she said “Oh I didn’t know you felt that way about your brother and sister”. As usual momma does the same thing repeatedly. She even asked me what John (husband) thought about it and I told her that he agreed with me. She acted like she was disappointed with that answer. I can tell her about a situation like this and she stands up for bro especially bro tooth and nail, defends them, lies for them but knows what I am telling her is the truth. Will denial everything I say. You can talk to her about one thing, and she agrees and then the next time you talk to her she has flipped the script and lashes out at me. She gaslights me and blames me for their behavior. She also told me, “By the way I do not have dementia”. Don’t know where that came from and her famous line to me is “I am your mother”. I stand up to momma and defend myself. I have always. She doesn’t like that, but I am not going to be treated that way by her or anybody and I have told her so on many occasions.
It was hard because my type of POA was springing, so I couldn't make decisions until she was declared incapacitated.
What bothered me, however, was the family who were local to aunt expected me to do everything, including paying for everything.
There was only so much help that I could give living far away and it being a springing POA. Aunt and I weren't really meshing, as she didn't seem to want help, and got upset if I even wanted to bathe or change her.
It wasn't working out for me, so I stepped down as POA. She is angry at me for stepping down and pretty much wrote me off, but I had to do what was best for me.
I think for your sanity, you might want to step down. I don't see it getting better and you honestly cannot get family to help.
You can also contact local agencies for support.
You come across as absolutely seething with anger and I have no doubt you are suffering from being in such a state of uncompromising rage. Blind, defensive anger makes a person unable to step back a little and think more clearly.
You are making things worse for your family and for yourself. Resign your POA - you are not capable of performing in a POA capacity. No shame involved, being a POA is a very hard, demanding job. Let someone else do it.
Start by considering how good your life could be if you resign the POA. All the free time you'd have, and maybe even enjoying your family interactions in the future once you get your head out of your a$$.
When you post on the forum, a variety of suggestions are made to help you with the situation you posted about. Some responses you will like and some you won't. But all of these folks are trying to help by giving their perspective.
You can't change anyone else and your sibs have made it clear they will not be helping. Your only sensible choice is to accept them as they are. Your mother has dementia and she will keep defending your siblings when you point out that they are not helping and you need help. You will not get any satisfactory answers from her or your sibs. That's very evident.
I understand gaslighting and lying. My sister was the golden child and never lifted a finger to help my mother as she aged. I knew there was no point in complaining to either of them or expecting anything different. Mother appointed me as her POA. I lived 5 hrs drive away and was able to look after her needs, mainly from a distance combined with trips to where she lived. She mostly used taxis to get to her drs appointments when I wasn't there.
If you need help looking after your mom, you will have to find some other resources. I see she is in an AL. You don't mention what in particular you need help with. I know there is still a lot to look after even when a parent is in a facility. If you could let us know what in particular you need help with you may get some ideas.
Venting here may make you feel better in the short run, and that's OK, but it won't get you any more resources.
I know it isn't easy, but please, for your own sake, adjust your expectations of your sibs and your mom to match reality. I believe that your mom chose you to be her POA b/c she knew you would do it and the other's wouldn't - perhaps can't. But she will still defend your sibs. That's how it is.
Wishing you all the best in figuring out your way through this. ((((((hugs))))))
There are always many sides to the story when it comes to our elderly parents and sibling involvement. Just sayin’
Your mum will never ever see things your way, so why bash your head against a brick wall?
And why are you so adamant about remaining your mum's POA when there is nothing you can do about your mum's day to day caregiving from 5 hours away?
For your own mental health, it's time to let go. You can't control everything when nobody - neither your brother nor mum, nor ill sister - will cooperate with you.
Holding on to a toxic situation isn't helping you, nor anyone else.
Now may be a good time to get therapy to help process your feeling and angers. I am always an advocate of helping yourself in order to be your best version to help others.
You are fully aware that you will not be receiving help from brother and sister. And, your mother will not be your ideal version of what you would like her to be. Accept that and move on. If you can't accept that then relinquish your POA responsibility and move on with your life. You can't change the actions of others but you can change your reaction.
Other people's behaviour is their responsibility, while my reaction to their behaviour is mine.
I'm not religious but I fully believe in the wisdom of the serenity prayer. Plus, the only person we can truly change is ourselves.
How does this work? So, you are sending text messages from a distance with lists for your siblings to do for your mother?
Make this make sense?
At the age of 91?
I am sorry to tell you that I think that is a cruel thing to do to her.
What is it that you want of her?
Do you want her to say "You are my golden child, the only one I can depend on. I love you BEST and you are right--those other two are no good". Is that what you need to hear from her. She is trying to DEFEND children who are physically THERE for her while you attack them.
They are the boots on the ground.
I think you should resign your POA and brother should be POA. Clearly sister should not be. She has a diagnosed illness that may take her out of commission at any time and for any amount of time; I have a family member with bipolar, and know that bouts of instability can happen/will happen.
To be bickering on the phone with a 91 year old mother, long distance? That's imho NOT OK.
Your mother is helpless in all this and being pulled back and forth. As I said, I think you should resign. Management and care for a 91 year old shouldn't be tried long distance. You are dependent on your brother and sister and it sounds they cannot live up to your expectations. And I am surprised they haven't told you that you need to move mom into care or by you so you can manage things on your own. I truly am.
We often have bickers here on AC about whether or not we shouldn't be fully "supportive" of our OPs when they write us for advice. I am sad to let all down here, as I do NOT support you.
I do, however, support you poor MOTHER and you make me worried for her.
You don't need to defend yourself by arguing with her. It sounds like that's what she wants, an argument. Don't give in to her. I'm sorry she's treating you that way. Whenever she starts, just end the conversation. Hang up if you need to. Show her that you won't tolerate her abuse, rather than just telling her. And don't feel guilty. You deserve to be treated with respect.