My father passed in August of 2020 and two days later my alcoholic mother who is 77 got up in the middle of the night and fell and broke both bones in her leg in half. Long story short, a surgery and rehab stay that was supposed to be two weeks turned into six months. Mom was in pretty good health up to this point. But half way through the six months mom lost her mind didn't know who we were and did not remember my father had passed. It was horrible. She did make very good progress and we made the descion to move her in with us. We talked to Dr about pain pills as she has been taking them for the better part of 20 years and told him there can not be anymore as with the drinking if she comes home I will not stand for it. I am 50 and have never seen my mother sober until now. A week after she gets home she got pain pills and now she has completely fallen back into not doing anything at all. She will not do anything for herself. Why would a Dr do this to us and her? My uncle has medical POA and I have all other POA. We had a meeting with the Dr and he agreed after the fall he would not and that is was not a good idea. She had in home rehab that she lied her way through and I had to let them know every day she was not doing what she said she was. My mother showboats. When it is just us here she does nothing but get out of bed and literally take 6 steps to her chair. If family is here she gets up, comes upstairs and seems like all is well and makes me look like a fool. We have taken her in. She lives in a finished 1800 sq foot living space all to herself. She has everything she needs to cook and fend for herself, like her own little apt. Yet she calls me sometimes 50 times a day on the phone so I can do everything. My dad had COPD and did everything for my mother and did not make her do one thing. One day I explained to her that with my wife and my kids and the fact that I have spinal cancer I can not make it like when my dad was here for her. I kid you not she looked straight at me and said "It's not my fault you don't love me as much as your father did" it's more like he didn't have a choice. He had COPD and I know even though in the last stages he would have lasted months and months longer if she did not wear him down to the bone. She is doing it to me. How do you go about setting boundires with parents and sticking to them as not to make it seem like you hate them? She moved into our house, the house we own we bought and she insists that it is more her house than ours; she actually wanted our bedroom and the upstairs and wanted us to be in the basement. It's getting out of control. Help
You can't love her more than SHE loves herself, my friend. And that's precisely what these types of women expect. For you to give up YOUR life for HER, while she sits around like a Queen & expects to be waited on hand & foot, complaining the entire time. You'll die before she does if you're not careful.
Place her right away. When she starts screaming & crying alligator tears that you don't love her, tell her you do, you're just not willing to give up your entire life and home to her spoiled and selfish demands, that's all. Then sign yourself up for Al Anon & engage with a bunch of people who are in the same spot you're in; that's how you learn you're not alone & how to recognize the manipulations of addiction & how to deal with them. It's good stuff in Al Anon.
Do the right thing for yourself and your family. Women like your mother will be fine, ultimately, because they'll find a whole new audience in Assisted Living to play to. Oh, and they live to be 100, too.............honestly. At 77, your mother can easily live another TWO DECADES! Keep that in mind as you move forward with your decision making process.
My condolences on the loss of your father.
Best of luck to you.
Things are very very unlikely to get better. I am not certain how your thought that moving her into your home would control what and who she is. She is extremely unlikely to change.
It will of course be difficult now for you to be honest with her. I suggest you begin by speaking with your own family, and coming to a conclusion about what you want to do. Once you have that down, it is to inform HER. No one here can make this decision for you.
For me it would be "Mom, I love you, but unfortunately I cannot live with you in my home. You will now need placement. I will help you to arrange your care. We will get together your assets and then find the best place you can afford for yourself."
Your mother may refuse. If she is not demented, then she has a right to move into her own home. Help her access care and such things as grocery delivery. Make certain you do not invest funds that YOU WILL NEED in the future for your OWN future lives and comfort. Be there as a support. Give limits as to number of calls you will accept on any given day. Perhaps an a.m. and p.m. check in.
Again, only you can decide what to do for your own life ongoing. Your Mom's life won't change except by her own actions. How much control she has over that at this point we can't know.
Do consider Al-Anon. They will make clear to you that when dealing with an alcoholic you have only two choices. Ultimately that is to maintain a relationship with them or not. You will NEVER change them. Only they can change themselves.
I am so sorry and I so wish you the very best of luck moving forward.
Its your home, your rules. Phone calls all day long. Sorry, I would have lost it long ago. Don't answer them. You are disabling her by doing for her. If she can do it herself, she needs to do it. 1800 square feet! I live in a 4 bedroom split level thats 1700 square feet.
This woman does not know how lucky she is.
I would not answer the phone. I would touch base with her once each day to make sure she’s ok.
As for the complaining and hateful comments, I would walk away/end the conversation right there. If she has dementia, any negative in her personality is magnified. Reading other posts on this board, even people who were nice can become quite a pill when their mind goes. Even my sweet MIL became so mean when cancer spread to her brain (even slapped me once!)
God bless
Of course, your heart was in the right place. I suspect that your dad’s was too. I am sure that he felt trapped and couldn’t see a way out. That’s a shame.
In this case, history has repeated itself. You’ve said so yourself.
Stop it before it gets any worse. It will not improve. Your mom has it in her head that she is entitled.
You have been more than generous with her.
She has underlying issues that are causing this unstable behavior.
She needs help. The kindest possible thing that you can do for her is to get her mental and physical care outside of your home.
You deserve to live a life in peace with your immediate family.
Your mom has a chance for better health if she is no longer dependent on you.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Start by having her see a geriatric psychiatrist for her addiction issues. She may need in-patient rehab for that.
After rehab, do not accept discharge back into your home.
Do not expect her to change her thinking, her behavior or to "realize" anything. Get her out of your home and into a facility asap.
So who will take on what she needs? You? Hire Aides? Nursing Home?
Which option will save you the most sanity?