This is my first post! I recently found this forum and reading about everyone's experience has already been so incredibly helpful!
I want to get help in my home to help me take care of my mom but I worry about several things:
- theft
- inappropriate boundaries ( my mom was giving a home health bath aide money for lottery tickets)
- my mom complaining about me and outside people believing her that I am a bad person.
My mom is a very sweet person who likes to give people things and money. She is also very upset with me right now because she feels guilty that my dad is in skillled nursing and she is living with me. (She believes it is a nursing home and nursing homes are where people go to die). She is upset with me for "putting him in a nursing home". My dad is complaining to her and laying guilt trips on her too.
Right now she is throwing me under the bus. For example, she says I don't feed her enough meals (I feel her organic, whole foods and make sure she eats protein and fiber every 3-4 hours).
She complained to the home health occupational therapist that I don't let her cook. The therapist told her she was "on her side" and said she can chop vegetables for exercise. The therapist didnt ask me my side of the story which is, I LOVE cooking with my mom, but not in the past 6 mths because I've been busy with their financial matters that have been a mess for 3 years because my dad stopped paying the bills. Also, I am busy with doctors appointments, etc. The last time she and I made pork shoulder, she didn't wash her hands each time after touching the pork. I had to spend an hour cleaning the kitchen and disinfecting. when she was living at home with my dad, she was about to cook potatoes with worms. When I pointed out they had worms, she dismissed me and said they were still good to eat. So, basically, cooking with her is a MAJOR project that I have not had time for and my mom needs a lot of close supervision.
So, during a recent appointment with the occupational therapist, I got out celery and my mom chopped. The therapist freaked out because my mom has poor coordination and poor judgement and was close to cutting herself a dozen times. She said to my mom "Be Careful! I dont want to be responsible for you losing a finger!" I told her. "This isn't good for my blood pressure." Finally the therapist understood, but my still mom doesn't. She wants to cook! and I don't let her! (sigh...)
I really want and need help in my home right now, but I'm not sure how to screen and interview aides. I dont want anyone who will:
- take advantage of my mom's generosity
- who will "take my mom's side" over mine.
- who will get involved in the family drama and believe my mom when she says i'm such a bad person
Any advice or sharing of your own experience and how you handled it is very much appreciated.
I would agree with Pam and FF that a more mature woman would be able to understand what you are telling her and not get involved with family drama.
There are ways on the internet to run back ground checks (I would not depend100% on these, ours shows affiliations with criminals and one of them is a neighbor that had died before we bought ourhouse), you can hire a payroll service to do the payroll and that will cover all applicable taxes and insurances, they can probably do back ground and reference checks for a fee.
Most importantly I would have a contract that covers everything, job description, behaviors and repercussions for them, holidays, pay, call in etc.
Good luck. I am continually amazed that parents will shred their children who are doing the caregiving, no boundaries. Maybe her and dad can share a room!
For my Dad, I called a national professional caregiving agency. A Rep came out and meet my Dad, walked the house, and asked the required questions. While she was interviewing me, I was interviewing her.
This Agency was licensed, bonded, insured and had workman's comp for their employees, plus training and meetings. I never had an ounce of problems with anyone who came to care for Dad, he needed 3 shifts per day. Yep, expensive, big time. Major sticker shock.
Dad was able to choose which caregivers he wanted on a regular schedule. The one he chose for 1st shift worked for him for over a year. Same with the weekend 1st shift caregiver. The evening caregivers Dad didn't really care who came as by then Dad was tired [he was in his 90's], same with the night caregiver who usually was the same person each time. The 3rd shift had to stay awake the whole shift to listen as my Dad got out of bed to go to the bathroom.
The 1st shift caregiver even drove my Dad over to the Long-Term-Care facility so he could visit with my Mom [final stage of dementia due to head trauma when Mom fell at their house].... this caregiver would make sure it was around lunch time so she could help feed my Mom.
Even when my Dad decided to move to senior living, we both thought it was a good idea to keep the 1st shift caregivers on-board, to give Dad a routine, and for him to see the same smiling face when he awoke in the morning.
The main thing, find a caregiver who is a good fit for your Mom. Both of my Dad's long time caregivers were mature women, who had caregiven their own elderly parents, thus this wasn't their first rodeo. Both had lived on farms as kids, the same as my Dad, and both were able to laugh at Dad's play-on-words.
Oh, if you don't use an Agency, please note that you would need to contact your homeowner insurance carrier as you will need to purchase a "workman's comp" policy, just in case the caregiver gets hurt.