My MIL lived by herself in squalor for several years after FIL came to live with husband and me for two years, he passed in 2023 of Parkinson’s. She’s a smart, obstinant, private person who values her independence highly but now needs more help though she’s very particular and mistrustful about how she lets people help her. Gets around with a walker, toilets herself.
She stayed with my husband and I for seven months recently, sandwiched by two hospital stays. After 5-6 weeks of SNF rehab she’s now about to be discharged from Medicare coverage. She thinks she can’t afford to pay for care whereas in reality she has many resources but is disorganized and loves giving her money away to church, friends and charity.
I think she’s now best off at an AL where she can keep getting regular meals and transport to dialysis, my husband after a lifetime of manipulation by his mom is inclined to bring her back with us. She clearly wants to come back to us. She recently told my husband she will be living on the streets. I think this is emotional blackmail.
Spoke with social worker today, she says if their doctor judges that she is competent, they can’t stop her from just leaving. I’m looking into ALs in our area and have spoke with her a little about those options. My fear is that she will refuse to sign any papers accepting responsibility to pay for any facility once Medicare stops paying. Call my husband saying she’s sitting outside the facility in her wheelchair. And guilt-trip my husband into letting her into the car and bringing her back to our house against my will.
It’s very hard for him, he’s an only child and there’s the idea of an inheritance that she dangles. She has a lot of self esteem built into giving her current income away and so doesn’t thinks she can afford a facility whereas in reality she can, she would just have to make some changes. Easier said than done. You can’t make her do anything. Help!
That doesn't mean that she needs to leave to your care.
As long as you are all the solutions there will BE no solutions.
You say this of your husband:
"It’s very hard for him, he’s an only child and there’s the idea of an inheritance that she dangles."
Fine, then.
As long as trading his time and care for an inheritance it is his considered choice as an adult that this is a good trade. Which is his business. As it is your business whether or not you choose to remain involved in all of this.
I truly wish you the best, but you are an adult, and the decisions are yours, as are the consequences of them.
The day she moves in, you move out.
Consider having him read the responses to your post so he doesn't think it's just you.
She’s asked a friend to help her find an apartment in a nearby city where she knows a lot of people so we’ll see where she gets with that. Independent living is going to be a tough road for her. I think AL makes more sense, so we may go ahead and tour a nearby AL facility to be able to recommend it to her in more detail. Maybe invite her to tour it with us just for greens.
Last July when we asked her to leave she went to an extended stay hotel for a couple of weeks. I could see her doing that again because she’s stubborn and doesn’t want to pay for a more care-oriented place (and honestly that time she was probably counting on us having her back). Called EMS twice after falling, no broken bones fortunately. We allowed her back. This time I’ve told dh that even though we may try to help her, ultimately it’s her choice where she goes as long as it’s not here, and he seems to be listening.
I cried on Saturday when I read your answers, thank you. I so appreciate your feedback. I’ve done more thinking on it than I’ve described here. Last December when I was getting fed up with her presence and ways dh told me “I might have to go somewhere and live with my mom” !!! and I said “so we’ll be seeing a divorce lawyer very soon” !!! (thanks to reading on this forum!) and he got a faraway look and said “oh I don’t want to get divorced”. ;)
Recently we spoke with a counselor about the situation who stressed that harmony in the marriage should be the priority, since this relationship will be around longer than his mom. He seems to have taken the advice to heart.
[I’ve also made the point several times that if I end up with a disabled husband because he gets a stroke in the next 5-8 years (he developed high blood pressure while his dad was living with us and is still under treatment for it) that it would create a HUGE financial hardship. The stress and health impacts are just not worth playing the inheritance lottery!]
We’re in our mid 50s, she’s in her early 80s. I earn a decent living for the two of us and handle the finances, he does more of the household duties. Dh goes to the pharmacy, buys her special groceries for her kidney diet, washes her clothes, fixes food, drives her places. While she was here I made (and still make) phone calls for her care, researched (and still research) financial issues, tidied her room at our house, got her breakfast on the weekends. Counseled my husband about her. So less than he does, but still participating.
Thank you thank you thank you. I’ll keep you posted. ❤️
Me, I would put my foot down, he needs to make a choice her or me, end of story.
If she says no to going into a facility then she will have to figure out another option, her circus her monkeys.
Obviously your husband is a weak willy, time for him to make a choice.
The ball is in your court.
Sounds like it's time for the OP to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer.
So just an update, someone from *** called and said her last Medicare day is Thursday. And that your mom told them she doesn’t have a plan. Or that her plan is to “call her son later today”. They will send the social worker in to talk with her.
DH, your mom cannot come back to us even to “get her things” until she has made the financial arrangements for wherever she goes next. Please continue to make that clear to her.
I do not recommend a stop at your home . She may refuse to leave.
In addition to that , don’t even transport her to her next stop in one of your cars .
Have her go by medical transport van from rehab to her new home . Best money I ever spent . It avoids the guilt trip, tears , drama , in the car on the way , and possible refusal to get out of your car at her new home . She will be brought straight inside her new home by the transport driver.
If you can , get her in an AL for at least a 30 day trial . By me they will do that .
Find one that can take her now. She can always tour others.
Get some brochures ready for her. Don't let her back in to get her stuff, she will try to stay again. DH can bring it to her. He needs to emphasize that AL is having the luxury of no more cooking, cleaning and laundry. She can be waited on by professionals. AL is NOT some prison or asylum of the 1940s. DH needs to tell Mom she can afford it, just stop giving her money away.
You are in your 50s and these are your last prime years. Don't spend them on caregiving elderly MIL. She has had a long life already. DH already took Dad in, so has done enough. I'd tell DH it's his marriage or his Mom, period.
She who pays runs the show!
Today the social worker is telling us that MIL has made arrangements to move out tomorrow to a particular facility in a nearby town that offers independent living, AL and memory care! Amazing! It looks like a fantastic place, just what she needs. Nurse and social worker are in agreement: this has been settled, it’s happening, she’s going tomorrow after dialysis.
I text MIL to offer help transferring her dialysis to the nearby town. She says, They are jumping the gun. I don’t know where I’m going tomorrow. I haven’t made my decision yet. 😂 😭😭
Hubs is going over to talk with her now.
If you go down that path, consider splitting your assets and taking your half out of any joint accounts. If you don’t, you can be controlled by money if he cleans them out first. Stop worrying about what MIL and DH might do, and start looking after yourself a bit more.
See All Answers