Family and friends come visit almost every day at the ALF. None of them will come vist if she comes to live with us. MLF say she is lonely now in the ALF. She needs help with toileting, dressing, meds and dining. She uses a walker and has been injured after falling multiple times. She is 91 years old. My wife and I will be the only caregivers and her only source of companionship.
At the AL, there are three shifts of caregivers to take care of her. Plus, a nurse on staff. Plus, housekeeping. Plus, a dining staff. Plus a maintenance department.
I imagine that you are 65+. You will be trying to do the work of all these people EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
What is best for your MIL might not be what SHE thinks is best.
What is actually best when we are very young as well as very old is what someone else most likely has the responsibility to decide.
Keep her where she is.
When dementia sets in, she can have visitors 24/7 and still complain of loneliness, as my mother did. She'd forget she had visitors and tell anyone who'd listen that nobody called or came by. 10 minutes after I left! What about when Jackie starts wandering? How do you plan to keep her from getting out of the house at 2am? Or cooking at 3am and leaving the stove burner on? Some have to disconnect stoves in their own home!
You're not qualified to care for a woman this age with so many issues. Realize that you can't imagine the half of it until it's too late, and keep her in AL where she's safe. She'll always be complaining most likely, wherever she is. Her brain isn't working right anymore so all bets are off.
Best of luck to you,
Unless you don’t mind spending the next decade seated at her feet, 24/7, available to entertain, assist, or redirect, as needed. Unless you are all right with never again sleeping through the night. Unless you don’t mind never leaving your home together again without arranging supervision, assuming that she won’t fire any assistants you hire, Unless you can accept never entertaining others in your home again. Unless relatives or friends do decide to visit, in which case you may find they expect your house to be open at their convenience.
Dementia care can be literally 24/7/365. The lack of sleep, endless demands and combative dementia moods nearly broke me. And I am one tough b—-ch.
She is better off with her needs fulfilled where she is.
Im going to list all the people involved in my mother’s care, which may or may not totally apply to you, but you’ll get the picture. My mom required, in no particular order;
Doctors. Emergency doctors. Nurses. CNAs. Sitters. A Dentist. Hair washer/stylist ( I tried and was terrible lol ) Pharmicist/s. Movers. Real Estate Agents. Lawyer/s. Social workers. POA ( me ) Financial Planner. Ambulance crew/s. Accountant. Transportation. Podiatrist. People to clean every day. People to cook every day. People to procure supplies. Care Manager. People to provide entertainment every day. Physical therapist. Day to day caregivers. Someone to go through the mail. Someone to care for and sell the car. Someone/s to move and clear out furniture ( me ) Someone to always take calls and advocate for medical needs. Someone to pay the bills ( falls under POA ) And, in my mom’s, someone to assist her with every physical task AND keep an eye on her literally every waking second as she was such a fall risk.
My mom often stated she wanted to stay with me. Now how can ONE PERSON be all of the above, 24/7?
You guys are doing a good job. Don’t move her but continue to be her advocate and see that she gets good care. You’ve really got this.
Take Care!
IMO MIL is trying to manipulate you and your wife, don't fall for it.
MIL is where she needs to be, let it be, this is something that you do not want to participate in.
Your mother in law does not get to assign her daughter to be her caregiver . Her care needs will only increase .
Look for assisted living facilities near you for her to live if she wants to live near you.
IMO , this woman is being manipulative and just wants out of being in a facility .
Do not take her to your home even temporarily . Either she stays where she is or goes straight to another facility that you choose ahead of time .
We took my FIL in temporarily in a similar situation , he kept dragging his feet to choose a facility . Never take this woman to live with you .
If you're worried about companionship for her, HIRE one. A paid companion who will go to the AL and spend time with her a few hours a week. This person will even take her out places if she's still able to be taken out.
Here's what is going to happen if you move her in with you and your wife. I'm speaking from 25 years of experience in the homecare field so I've seen every family dynamic and scenario play out many times.
Your wife becomes 100% responsible for all of MIL's physical care needs. Then she will be expected to entertain her, keep her engaged, and provide a social life for her. Many times it's not intentional, but is usually happens. All the caregiving duty gets put on a daughter, a DIL, or some other female family member.
Are you prepared to do toileting, bathing, diaper changing, feeding, endless laundry, endless cleaning, dressing, transferring, medications, and endless doctor's appointments 24/7-365? There will be times an aide won't be at your house unless you're planning on moving another person into your home as well. A live-in caregiver. Are you prepared and willing to do these things?Not to mention are you also willing to become the entertainment and social life? My guess is you are not.
So leave MIL where she is. If you love your wife don't turn her into a care slave because this is what always happens. I've seen many once happy marriages end in bitter divorces because a needy, elderly parent was moved in. Of course, you want what's best and no one wants to see someone they love being sad and lonely. You want to do something about it but moving her out of AL and in with you is not it. Hire a paid companion to spend time with her.
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