Family and friends come visit almost every day at the ALF. None of them will come vist if she comes to live with us. MLF say she is lonely now in the ALF. She needs help with toileting, dressing, meds and dining. She uses a walker and has been injured after falling multiple times. She is 91 years old. My wife and I will be the only caregivers and her only source of companionship.
At the AL, there are three shifts of caregivers to take care of her. Plus, a nurse on staff. Plus, housekeeping. Plus, a dining staff. Plus a maintenance department.
I imagine that you are 65+. You will be trying to do the work of all these people EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
What is best for your MIL might not be what SHE thinks is best.
What is actually best when we are very young as well as very old is what someone else most likely has the responsibility to decide.
Keep her where she is.
IMO MIL is trying to manipulate you and your wife, don't fall for it.
MIL is where she needs to be, let it be, this is something that you do not want to participate in.
It’s your choice, not hers. Your profile asks “how quickly will Jackie deteriorate?”. Assume ‘a long time’. You have already given up a lot, don’t give up the next decade, which is quite possible. You shouldn’t take on the role of ‘making her happy’, or of being her around-the-clock entertainment. Jackie has good care now, it’s up to her to make use of it.
Your mother in law does not get to assign her daughter to be her caregiver . Her care needs will only increase .
Look for assisted living facilities near you for her to live if she wants to live near you.
IMO , this woman is being manipulative and just wants out of being in a facility .
Do not take her to your home even temporarily . Either she stays where she is or goes straight to another facility that you choose ahead of time .
We took my FIL in temporarily in a similar situation , he kept dragging his feet to choose a facility . Never take this woman to live with you .
Do not entertain this idea for another second. If she brings it up you must redirect the conversation to another topic, distract her or completely ignore it.
It is not wise to let the person with dementia drive the care plan. They are not operating on all cylinders and haven't the capacity to make sound decisions. Her needs will only increase and if she is truly lonely now she would be more so in your home.
You say you can't envisage a situation where you can manage taking her in. Good! Stop trying! Her needs are being met where she is. Moving in with you is a want not a need. It's a whim she has that would negatively affect the needs of yourself and your wife. Personally I wouldn't even consider a move to a facility near you. She has regular visitors where she is.
Check with the staff if she truly is lonely or if she enjoys the visits and the activities in the facility. If she is lonely they can work with her to get more involved. That is part of their job. The "loneliness" may be part of the dementia progressing,
Remember you and your wife's needs count here too. Caregiving has to work for the caregiver. Stay with what works for you.
When dementia sets in, she can have visitors 24/7 and still complain of loneliness, as my mother did. She'd forget she had visitors and tell anyone who'd listen that nobody called or came by. 10 minutes after I left! What about when Jackie starts wandering? How do you plan to keep her from getting out of the house at 2am? Or cooking at 3am and leaving the stove burner on? Some have to disconnect stoves in their own home!
You're not qualified to care for a woman this age with so many issues. Realize that you can't imagine the half of it until it's too late, and keep her in AL where she's safe. She'll always be complaining most likely, wherever she is. Her brain isn't working right anymore so all bets are off.
Best of luck to you,
Time to assert yourself and tell your wife that this idea is going nowhere. I hope she agrees.
AND, if your mom needs help with all of those things, She is past assisted living and on to Long Term Care. Do that.
Unless you don’t mind spending the next decade seated at her feet, 24/7, available to entertain, assist, or redirect, as needed. Unless you are all right with never again sleeping through the night. Unless you don’t mind never leaving your home together again without arranging supervision, assuming that she won’t fire any assistants you hire, Unless you can accept never entertaining others in your home again. Unless relatives or friends do decide to visit, in which case you may find they expect your house to be open at their convenience.
Dementia care can be literally 24/7/365. The lack of sleep, endless demands and combative dementia moods nearly broke me. And I am one tough b—-ch.
She is better off with her needs fulfilled where she is.
It will kill your marriage and your wife will no longer have a life with you.
She is already in a good situation - and she doesn't HAVE to be lonely. That is a choice (or a manipulation ploy). In ALF there are TONS of opportunities for her to get involved and meet people.
My second instinct was "MIL wants my wife to be her caregiver". Oh she does does she? What does your wife want? Or you? Or what makes sense for your family?
My third instinct was again NO! You mention that she needs help with almost ALL of her Activities of Daily Living (ADLs). She uses a walker. She is falling a lot.
What is happening is that she is looking to your family to provide ALL of that for her - at no expense or less expense. Her needs are already high. And they will increase.
Is that a good idea? Is your wife still working? Do you guys want to travel? Do you still have children at home? Do you and your wife want to trade off who sleeps each night to take care of her if she wanders and gets out of bed? Do you want to limit the time you spend with your wife?
You say you and your wife would be her only caregivers. Is that accurate? Because while I KNOW my Dh would do everything in his power to help my mom, I can't imagine EITHER of them are good with the idea of him taking her to the bathroom, helping her shower, getting her dressed. Has your wife done the math and realized how the caregiving responsibilities would skew heavily in her direction just based on that?
There are just too many factors here that can cause chaos, especially when she is already placed.
Additionally, we had a doctor tell us that EVERY single time someone that age is moved, it causes a great deal of setback.
*First the logistics of moving a 91 year old and all her possessions 2000 is rather daunting. It will not be an easy move.
*Is your home set up for handicap accessibility? (no carpet, wide doorways, wide halls, no stairs, large bathroom so you can get a wheelchair in and still move around, a walk in or roll in shower....)
*Is your wife willing to get caregivers in to help out? (using MIL's assets NOT using your assets to pay for caregivers?)
*Is she seeing any medical specialists? If so will you be able to get her in to the same type of doctors where you are and if so how long will it take to get an appointment? (some are 6, 9 months or longer on a wait list for new patients)
*Are you ready to give up your life, your goals to become a caregiver/companion to a 91 year old? (I am assuming you are retired, don't you have plans, hobbies, activities that you enjoy? )
*If you do this (and I think it is not a wise decision) I do hope that MIL will pay you as caregivers, pay for her portion of all utilities, food, mortgage, insurance etc. (ALL household expenses should be divided by the number of people in the house so my guess she would pay 1/3 of all expenses)
Does your wife know how much help she needs? No, really how much actual help and how long it will take each day to help her. Not saying that she and you can't do it but my guess ..if MIL is 91 your wife is in her 60's or 70's can she physically do everything that mom needs her to do?
If her mom wants to see her more go visit more often.
Im going to list all the people involved in my mother’s care, which may or may not totally apply to you, but you’ll get the picture. My mom required, in no particular order;
Doctors. Emergency doctors. Nurses. CNAs. Sitters. A Dentist. Hair washer/stylist ( I tried and was terrible lol ) Pharmicist/s. Movers. Real Estate Agents. Lawyer/s. Social workers. POA ( me ) Financial Planner. Ambulance crew/s. Accountant. Transportation. Podiatrist. People to clean every day. People to cook every day. People to procure supplies. Care Manager. People to provide entertainment every day. Physical therapist. Day to day caregivers. Someone to go through the mail. Someone to care for and sell the car. Someone/s to move and clear out furniture ( me ) Someone to always take calls and advocate for medical needs. Someone to pay the bills ( falls under POA ) And, in my mom’s, someone to assist her with every physical task AND keep an eye on her literally every waking second as she was such a fall risk.
My mom often stated she wanted to stay with me. Now how can ONE PERSON be all of the above, 24/7?
You guys are doing a good job. Don’t move her but continue to be her advocate and see that she gets good care. You’ve really got this.
Take Care!
You ask if this is a good decision for YOU, to take MIL in.
We can't make adult decisions for your life.
For me, even as a retired RN it would be a bad decision.
#1. At the age of 91 things won't get better in terms of the level of MILs needs.
#2. MIL now needs help with everything; that requires several shifts of several people each. Cooking, cleaning, helping, transporting to care, addressing confusion and incontinence.
#3. If she is unhappy and lonely at a ALF with all the activities and variety of people her age, how much MORE lonely will she be.
#4. You will have sacrificed your own lives, freedom, and the sanctity and refuse of your own home to throw your own lives onto the burning funeral pyre of a parent.
#5. You say that it is your wife who will be taking on the care. She won't be enough. This could exhaust, even make ill or kill her. Where are YOU in all of this? Are you not ALSO taking on care? Because it will take at least two of you to cook, clean, take mom to appointments, watch over her safety, cleanse and bath her.
#6. A move alone is difficult for an elder. You would need to be POA to get her funds and banking moved. I assume you have that? Meticulous records would have to be kept. You will also need a care contract from the elder law attorney in your area to give you shared living cost payments; you cannot have this look like "gifting" on mom's part.
#7. Old age is not a time to think about what we WANT, but about how things must BE and about how to keep our children protected from our refusal to pass on in a timely manner, thus freeing them for the lives they deserve after we have already HAD our lives. Old age is not about happiness and you two are not responsible for her happiness.
There is much to consider here.
I myself think this a great mistake, but I am not you. Adults make decisions for their own lives and reap the consequences of them, both good and bad. I can only wish you the very best of luck whatever decision you make for yourselves.
She moves in. Two days later she yells " I want to leave! "
I'm sure I've missed a few things to prep for as a caregiver for someone with dementia. It's very hard. All the posted replies are great, very accurate.
If you're worried about companionship for her, HIRE one. A paid companion who will go to the AL and spend time with her a few hours a week. This person will even take her out places if she's still able to be taken out.
Here's what is going to happen if you move her in with you and your wife. I'm speaking from 25 years of experience in the homecare field so I've seen every family dynamic and scenario play out many times.
Your wife becomes 100% responsible for all of MIL's physical care needs. Then she will be expected to entertain her, keep her engaged, and provide a social life for her. Many times it's not intentional, but is usually happens. All the caregiving duty gets put on a daughter, a DIL, or some other female family member.
Are you prepared to do toileting, bathing, diaper changing, feeding, endless laundry, endless cleaning, dressing, transferring, medications, and endless doctor's appointments 24/7-365? There will be times an aide won't be at your house unless you're planning on moving another person into your home as well. A live-in caregiver. Are you prepared and willing to do these things?Not to mention are you also willing to become the entertainment and social life? My guess is you are not.
So leave MIL where she is. If you love your wife don't turn her into a care slave because this is what always happens. I've seen many once happy marriages end in bitter divorces because a needy, elderly parent was moved in. Of course, you want what's best and no one wants to see someone they love being sad and lonely. You want to do something about it but moving her out of AL and in with you is not it. Hire a paid companion to spend time with her.