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Since you don’t intend to leave, don’t intend to change the ownership of the house, don’t intend to change being paid as a part time caregiver, and don’t intend to push back against either your mother’s or your sister’s demands, I’m not seeing much that will change as far as the abuse you’re enduring. That’s really too bad as no one deserves abuse, no matter the cause. I hope you’ll find a path to wellness and peace
I guess that I am confused as to why you would continue to stay with your mom and continue to take her abuse. You obviously must be getting something out of this very sick and abusive situation, whether it be financial, a roof over your head or both. But you need to take a step back and ask yourself if what you've been putting up with is really worth any of that. I can't imagine under any circumstances that it would be. So why? Why do you continue to put up with it? You now need to pack your bags and tell your mom and sister that you'll be leaving at the end of January and that they'll have to figure out what to do next, as you've had all you can take. However, since you only ask in your post about who you should report your moms abuse to, I gather from that that you have no intention of moving out or improving your life, and that you will just continue to take her abuse. And that to me is really sad, as you deserve so much better.
P.S. I just read your reply that you own half the house with your mom. That was your first mistake. But I would still move out into a rental for the time being just to save yourself and your mental health.
Mom needs to be in placement whether your sister wants her to be or not. You say you are caregiver but cannot be the POA. Well, are you under a contract drawn by an elder law attorney? Do you get some payment for this caregiving or are you just getting room and board to stay with mom and give care? Because this isn't sustainable, and soon enough Mom is going to be in care. You should be calling an ambulance for transport to hospital when you are under physical attack. She could have a severe UTI. She could be having breakdown in electrolyte balance. She needs medical care and assessment. And she needs placement. Have her taken to hospital and give them the POA phone number. Tell Sis/POA that it no longer matters what MOM wants or what SISTER wants, but that you cannot go on in this care of mother, and she must be placed. Then, if living currently in mother's home, exit the premises, rent a room in someone's home. Refuse to take part in this madness.
I am a paid caregiver for 4 and 1/2 hours a day, and mom expects me to be here 24/7. Any kind of caregiver in the state of Illinois cannot be a POA that's written law. Which is total bullsh**I think. I have called the EMTs and they refuse to take her in because she doesn't want to go in. Any kind of help here in Illinois is total bs. They don't care about the caregiver, all they care about is the client making them money. I own half of the house, so neither one of us can leave.
Just because your sister cannot provide mom’s care and doesn’t want her in managed care does not mean you’re obligated to be a caregiver putting up with abuse. Clearly, mom’s situation is beyond what you can handle, not your fault, but still true. Let your sister know you cannot continue in this role, it’s unfair to both you and mom, a better solution must be found. Mom isn’t changing, except to worsen. Don’t judge all managed care places by one that wasn’t liked, mom may very well need professional help
I have spoken to my sister multiple times, she won't do anything to help me. This morning Mom called the cops on me @4:30am because I wasn't giving her, her meds. She doesn't get them until 8:30a, 12:30p, 4:30p and 8:30p. The cops were going to arrest me because of this, they woke me up from a sound sleep, gave her all her meds for the day, when that's not how it's done. They shouldn't be able to do that. Mom could've OD again, but the cops didn't see anything wrong with that. Whenever Mom doesn't get her way with anything she calls the cops, One of these days hopefully they see her as crying wolf.
You can not be forced into caregiving , no matter what your sister does not want to see . If you are not comfortable , then Mom goes back to a facility . You have every right to tell your sister that you will no longer be a hands on caregiver .,
Unless Mom’s behavior can be controlled by meds , you should not be her caregiver , nor should you have to put up with being abused. IMO your mother should be cared for by NON family . Often as dementia progresses a parent will react negatively to being told what to do by their adult child . They see you as a child and not an adult .
I agree with the others call 911 . Have the hospital check her for a UTI , and tell them you are not capable of caring for her any longer as you are being assaulted . Refuse to take her home . It’s your sister’s responsibility as POA to make sure she gets care in a facility .
From your profile: I am caring for my mother Valerie , who is 80 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, heart disease, mobility problems, and urinary tract infection.
About Me I'm a retired OTR truck driver of 28 years. I am lost as a caregiver, Idk wtf I'm doing.
Let mom's doctor know right away. This behavior is common with dementia. She can be giving calming meds that may help with this matter quite a bit. So would placing her in managed care.
My sister is her POA if needed, because in the state of Illinois since I am a caregiver I cannot be her POA. Also my sister doesn't want to place her back into a home because they couldn't make meals that were Celiac disease compliant. Plus they weren't taking her for any walks, They would just let her stay there in a dirty diaper for hours on end. My sister doesn't want her to see her like that. Also my sister cannot care for Mom at all because she cares for her son who has cerebral palsy and is constant 24/7 care and her husband has colon cancer and leukemia also caring for him, so her plate is full. As I say back into a home, she was placed in a rehabilitation facility because she OD on gabapentin and oxycodone. Once the psychiatrist deemed her decisional she was allowed to come back home.
Mtntigger70, please fill out your Profile page so we can have a better understanding what health issues your Mom is currently having. Right now we have zero information.
As to whom to report that abuse, best to check with your Mom's primary doctor and see what he/she recommends.
Call the police. Then call the 911 EMS ambulance to transfer to hospital and tell them your mother is ill and has become assaultive.
Once at the hospital ask for Social Services at once. Tell them you are frightened of your mother and she cannot return to your home. Tell them she may need "discharge planning" to place her in care and that you are now afraid to care for her in the home.
This will get the wheels turning to get you hooked up with care. Keep us updated. I am sorry that I can't wish you a Happy New Year on this eve; looks like you will be very involved. I wish you the very best of luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You obviously must be getting something out of this very sick and abusive situation, whether it be financial, a roof over your head or both.
But you need to take a step back and ask yourself if what you've been putting up with is really worth any of that. I can't imagine under any circumstances that it would be. So why? Why do you continue to put up with it?
You now need to pack your bags and tell your mom and sister that you'll be leaving at the end of January and that they'll have to figure out what to do next, as you've had all you can take.
However, since you only ask in your post about who you should report your moms abuse to, I gather from that that you have no intention of moving out or improving your life, and that you will just continue to take her abuse. And that to me is really sad, as you deserve so much better.
P.S. I just read your reply that you own half the house with your mom. That was your first mistake. But I would still move out into a rental for the time being just to save yourself and your mental health.
I have an outside the box idea to try…
Call APS to report yourself as an abused adult .
Or try going to a lawyer about this . Since you own half the house .
Also quit being the paid caregiver . Do nothing for Mom .
You say you are caregiver but cannot be the POA.
Well, are you under a contract drawn by an elder law attorney? Do you get some payment for this caregiving or are you just getting room and board to stay with mom and give care?
Because this isn't sustainable, and soon enough Mom is going to be in care.
You should be calling an ambulance for transport to hospital when you are under physical attack. She could have a severe UTI. She could be having breakdown in electrolyte balance. She needs medical care and assessment. And she needs placement.
Have her taken to hospital and give them the POA phone number. Tell Sis/POA that it no longer matters what MOM wants or what SISTER wants, but that you cannot go on in this care of mother, and she must be placed.
Then, if living currently in mother's home, exit the premises, rent a room in someone's home. Refuse to take part in this madness.
I have called the EMTs and they refuse to take her in because she doesn't want to go in. Any kind of help here in Illinois is total bs. They don't care about the caregiver, all they care about is the client making them money. I own half of the house, so neither one of us can leave.
Unless Mom’s behavior can be controlled by meds , you should not be her caregiver , nor should you have to put up with being abused. IMO your mother should be cared for by NON family . Often as dementia progresses a parent will react negatively to being told what to do by their adult child . They see you as a child and not an adult .
I agree with the others call 911 . Have the hospital check her for a UTI , and tell
them you are not capable of caring for her any longer as you are being assaulted . Refuse to take her home . It’s your sister’s responsibility as POA to make sure she gets care in a facility .
I am caring for my mother Valerie , who is 80 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, heart disease, mobility problems, and urinary tract infection.
About Me
I'm a retired OTR truck driver of 28 years.
I am lost as a caregiver, Idk wtf I'm doing.
Let mom's doctor know right away. This behavior is common with dementia. She can be giving calming meds that may help with this matter quite a bit. So would placing her in managed care.
Good luck to you.
As I say back into a home, she was placed in a rehabilitation facility because she OD on gabapentin and oxycodone. Once the psychiatrist deemed her decisional she was allowed to come back home.
As to whom to report that abuse, best to check with your Mom's primary doctor and see what he/she recommends.
Then call the 911 EMS ambulance to transfer to hospital and tell them your mother is ill and has become assaultive.
Once at the hospital ask for Social Services at once.
Tell them you are frightened of your mother and she cannot return to your home.
Tell them she may need "discharge planning" to place her in care and that you are now afraid to care for her in the home.
This will get the wheels turning to get you hooked up with care.
Keep us updated.
I am sorry that I can't wish you a Happy New Year on this eve; looks like you will be very involved. I wish you the very best of luck.