My mom was diagnosed with dementia a few months ago. All of a sudden she believes my dad is having an affair. Everything she doesn't remember or recognize in the home is now attributed to the 'other woman.' There is no talking her down as she doesn't believe anything anyone tells her outside of her own delusions. We have tried everything - redirecting her, changing the subject, talking about it, not talking about it, medications, etc. Nothing has worked. When she's in the middle of an episode, she will yell at him, follow him around the house, wake him from a dead sleep, etc. It's becoming more frequent and her level of anger is increasing as well. My dad is her primary caregiver and it's just not working. I don't know what to do. Has anyone dealt with this and had something actually work? I thought the medication would help but it's not made a bit of difference. The rate at which this is increased is rather alarming too. It's very frustrating that there aren't any solutions right now. I'm worried she'll start to become violent as her rage increases. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
The article says paranoia often happens in the middle stages. That is for ALZ. In Lewy Body Dementia, which my husband Coy had, it usually happens in the beginning. Which is just to say your mother's current behavior may or may not give clues about where the progression of the disease is.
I am very grateful that Coy never thought I was having an affair. He did think I was stealing from him, had stolen his car, and was holding him captive against his will. He tried reporting this to the sheriff's office several times. Nothing "cured" the delusions and paranoia, but it did go away on its own in a few months. (I really don't think I could have stood it the full 10 years. Placement in a care center would have been necessary.)
What seemed to work best at calming Coy was showing I was listening, being on his side, and going along with his delusions to a degree. "You are worried about our finances? That must bother you a lot. I know I have never deliberately messed with our money, but I could have made a mistake, or the bank could have. Do you want to go over our latest bank statement?"
How would that apply to the infidelity accusations? Tough one! "Sweetheart, I can understand why you are so very upset at the thought of me with another woman. I am truly sorry if I've done something to make you think that. You are my one and only love. There are no other women in my life." "Mother, what have you found there? Hmm ... looks a lot like my friend Brenda's apron. She must have left it here when we baked last week. An affair with Brenda? Oh Mother, you must feel very, very bad to even think that! Brenda is engaged to be married and she is not interested in an old fart like Dad. And I know that Dad is faithful to you. We all love you and hate to see you this upset."
Sympathize with the feeling -- that is definitely real. An explanation probably won't really help but it is worth a brief try as long as it doesn't come across as argumentative. Reassurance of love and support is generally better than trying to defend the accused party.
At least that's what worked best with Coy and his financial worries. It did not cure the paranoia, though, and the same accusation would come up again. But it was very helpful in calming him for that particular episode.
This is such a common problem. If you or any of the doctors find something that helps, please share!
All I can say is hang in there! It's rough and frustrating but there's no medicine, at this stage, that will help. We tried Namenda in the beginning (for memory) and it worked for about a month (stayed on it for a year with no improvement or anything) then finally spoke with the nursing home's RN and she very honestly said, "At this stage, you're just spending money." (And it was expensive--$725 a month).
Bottom line here: Pray, breathe, drink plenty of fluids, eat and hang on!! The tunnel will look long and dark and if your mother's behavior remains violent--CALL THE DOCTOR and place her somewhere. My dad was in a facility that did not believe in restraints or over medicating; but there was a dedicated ALZ wing with super duper supervision.
God Bless and keep posting.
Here is an article I found here on Aging Care that has some good ideas on what to do. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/hallucinations-delusions-and-paranoia-151513.htm
I agree with Jeangibbs - I started going along with it; sitting with her and really letting her go through all the "immediate" emotions, accusations, etc. and asked her what we should do about it -- report to police, call the lawyer, etc. and then I tell her let me do it and I would get on phone in front of her and make pretend call and report "offense" and then pretend police, lawyer were aware of issue and "immediately going to investigate" -- (I've become an expert fibber in 10 years of dementia).
I did this all while she was watching me; then I'd tell her they were going to investigate the whole thing and get back with her "Tuesday" or whatever. That would satisfy her and get her calm and we could go on.
But I will tell you, the same delusions played out over 10 years, and even today, she will accuse brother or myself of some offense and we go through it all again. She is in memory care now and I wished I'd have been able to place her long ago instead of enduring the 10 yrs of heartache.
Your mom isn't going to let this go or medicate herself out of it. It will be up to dad how much he can stand and what actions he is willing to take. If she becomes violent and starts physically abusing (and he's already enduring the mental abuse from her accusations) then I would suggest placement.
My mom would often get so worked up she'd hit me, shove me, etc. Don't take it personally (though admittedly I often did).
LOng story short. Just go with it, let her play it out and you just play along and be supportive.
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