My mother in every conversation brings up that she is dying when she is relatively healthy. She is so hard to talk to because her stress and negativity affects me terribly. I have some mental health issues but doing well. But as soon as I call my mom I have so much anger toward her. She yells at me. You can’t tell her anything. She knows it all. I am so burnt out I just want to walk away from her. That’s how bad it’s getting. I can’t cope with and DREAD my phone calls to her. What a life. I was widowed three years ago. I am 67 with a fantastic son who is getting married next year. I want joy in my life at this stage. I was a social worker my entire career. I retired to enjoy life. But my mother sucks the life out of me.
And if you're only one of a few who check on her, you can buy some inexpensive security cameras to place throughout her house that you can access through your phone to check on her any time you want, which will give you an excuse not to call her as much.
Now quite allowing mom to steal your joy and get back out there and enjoy your life!!!
I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. Were you able to fully grieve for him in a healthy way or have you been solely occupied with the needs of your mom?
I can see how your mom’s negativity has caused dread in your life. It’s a dreadful situation.
I was thinking about the fact that you were a social worker. You were in a profession that helped others which is admirable, but your life maters equally to hers. Let me ask you, if someone came to you, and they were in the same situation as you are now, how would you as the ‘social worker’ advise them? What recommendations would you have for them? Take a minute to think about it and then please share how you feel.
I am not suggesting that you forget about your mom entirely. This is your mom. Of course, you have empathy. I am saying that there has to be a healthy balance in your life. It’s necessary to set boundaries in place, in order to achieve the correct balance in our lives.
Look, you may have to limit your phone calls with your mom. Hopefully, she will get the message that she can’t continue behaving like she does. No one can guarantee that she will. Unfortunately, some people never learn to respect boundaries and they become belligerent when faced with ultimatums. If that happens, you have a new dilemma to deal with. In extreme cases, some people end up having to go ‘no contact’ with their parents.
Just remember that there shouldn’t be any judgment from others placed on your decisions or anyone else for making choices that are correct for their particular situation. So, ignore anyone who tries to force their viewpoint on you if it isn’t applicable for your needs.
Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life. I hope that you find the joy that you are seeking in your life. Take care. Please let us know how things are going. We care.
Or before you go over to her you can call her to see what kind of mood she is in and if you sense she is being really negative then postpone your visit or do a dropout if it's food or something she needs. Less contact the better.
Best to you!
Jenna
What does your mom want you to do about her impending death? Does she have her funeral planned? Paid for? Is she religious? Has she seen a neurologist? Is she taking anything for her anxiety? Have you discussed her anxiety with her doctor? Does she eat well? Get plenty of sleep? Exercise?
In other words is she doing anything and everything she can to manage her stress?
Is she able to do that?
While your mom may be in relatively good health for her age, she is still 93 which is very old. She has probably outlived most of her generation. That would be stressful in itself.
It could be that she truly has no idea how much what she says affects you. If she is accustomed to just unloading her free floating anxiety onto you when you talk, and it triggers your own anxiety, threatens your mental health, then you may have to just not call. The elderly seem to have little ability to think of anyone but themselves.
The calls don’t seem to be helping either one of you. If you feel responsible for her well being, then come up with an alternative to the calls.
Is your mom homebound? How does she handle her ADLs? Is she dependent on you and your sister? It could be time to get her more help aside from the family if that is the case.
Below is the link to your Area Agency on Aging. Look over this site and give them a call to see what help might be available in your area for your mom and yourself.
Telling her that she can’t talk about what is on her mind probably won’t help.
She sees you as someone she can ask to help her.
I notice that whatever routine I have set up works for awhile and then things progress and what worked before no longer does and I have to increase the care.
So recognize that your mom needs more help than she is getting now. And you need a change as well.
That doesn’t mean you have to provide it hands on, but she probably needs you to manage it.
To continue calling her, hearing her bring up what is distressing her, then you discounting her feelings or being stressed by her feelings is just not working for either one of you.
Try to come up with an action plan tonight to try something new.
https://www.co.somerset.nj.us/government/human-services/aging-disability-services
I too would look at Mom as a client not your Mother. How would u as a trained professional handle this situation. But then maybe that is why she bothers you so much. You were burnt out from a job where you had to figure out what to do for others, how to solve their problems. Maybe time to tell Mom what you said here "you suck the life out of me". Tell her there is nothing you can do about her getting older. That her negativity does not help her circumstances.
Time for you to take the reins. Maybe a little break. Can she be alone for a week? A few days? Places are opening up. Or just tell her you won't be available for a few days. If that can't be done, then just don't go over. Keep your phone calls to once or twice a day. When she starts with the negativity, just say "sorry Mom, I just can't deal with that right now"
”Wow, Mom. It sounds like you’re having a hard time right now. I’ll call later on when you’re feeling better.”
Does your mother spend all her time in her apartment or is she able to get out and do things - just enjoy the fresh air? Has she always been negative or is it a more recent development. If she's always been negative then you are going to just have to find ways to handle the situation - such as talk to her less or when she has nothing good to say make excuses and end the conversation. If this is relatively new behavior, if I were in your place, I'd put my social worker hat and help her with her feelings and come up with solutions together to find a happier place - you can't make her happy - but you might help her learn how to find some joy in life. You have a right not to be dragged down with negativity.
I live with my very own "Debbie Downer" husband - and yes it sucks the life right out of you. When I point out that all he does is bitch and moan - he denies it - just telling it like it is. But he rarely ever has anything positive to say. I think because of his low self-esteem he wants everyone to be as miserable as he is - and today he has truly succeeded. The problem is I can't hang up on him or leave the room (he follows along behind continuing to talk).
Good luck.
For your future peace of mind, try visualizing a day in her shoes in detail.
Remember, it takes two to tango.
Dont fight with her.
Acrept she is who she is and isn't going to change.
Pick your battles.
Let her do as she pleases.
Juse call and say hi and be agreeable.
Don't stay on the phone long, make short and sweet check ins on her.
She's probably just bored.
Bring her things to keep her busy like Paint sets, Puzzles, coloring books, ect.
Arange for outings.
I know you have your own life but hopefully you can take her out once a week.
See if you can get other relatives. Friends, Church Members, ect to visit so she can have a visitor every day.
Maybe she would be happier living at an assisted living place where she would have others to talk to and they would have planned activities.
Prayers
I have a small book to recommend for you to read by Paul Chafetz called Loving Hard to Love Parents A Handbook for Children of Difficult Older Parents. It is a short read and full of tips and explanations of the various personality types. This psychologist also counsels adults of difficult parents and can do so online. He is in Dallas and my sister has used him. He is very good. You need a third ear, if not him then see a therapist. But get this book and it will help you deal with her. Yes you deserve joy and if she is inhibiting that then you need to address it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFbcRNCXEXM
It sounds like your mom is a real thorn in your side. You shouldn’t have to be your mom’s “social worker” or whipping post for her grief about aging. You have devoted your life to caring for others. It is time for a break for sure.
I have chosen to have limited to almost no contact with my mother for some very good reasons. I had to go to therapy for almost a year now when I stepped in to manage her affairs. The best thing therapy did for me was to help me formulate responses to my mother’s behavior. She has advanced dementia and is in LTC now, but when I did have to have some more interactions with her, I was advised to keep them short and direct. To not ask what she wanted, but to tell her what the “plan” is. And to say “I have to go now” when my anxiety was rising. I also learned it was okay to tell her, in a calm but firm manner, to stop her behavior. Therapy also helped me to understand (and cope better) my “trauma response” to my mother.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to go out and enjoy your life. Your mother will always be negative. You will never change that. You say that she has “family support.” What about you? I know that if communication needs to happen I have family that will step up and manage the face to face for me if ever needed. This way I can avoid contact with my mother. I also rely on the staff at her facility to communicate her needs to me.
Good luck with the wedding and make some plans for happiness in your retirement!
Can someone come to bring lunch or dinner or even take her out several times a week?
Also, a medical evaluation might help, with the possibility of a prescription to improve her mood.
Best wishes.
If you cannot provide those things, find someone who can.
I expect that you have certain expectations of your mother that you did not have of your depressed or negative clients. Your mother's pattern of negativity is a lifestyle choice she has made. You can not change how she chooses to live her life. However, you can choose what to do about her problem behaviors. Please read any of the books by Townsend and Clark about "boundaries" - and apply their concepts. They are Christian counsellors with a huge success rate of helping people deal with the negative, problematic behaviors of other people.
Choose how you spend your time. Choose to surround yourself with people that make your life a joy, Limit the amount of time your spend with your mom, but DO spend time with her. Consider the time you give her is a gift for her and she is not a place to get your "joy bucket" filled.
In the beginning the anger was unbelievable. She passed in 2018 and now as I look back I could have handled these issues much differently. Yes, she was angry with me. If you live close by I would suggest trying to give her things to look forward to, perhaps start your conversations with a positive story you experienced or perhaps read about so it might set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Maybe share a favorite old song that you remember her listening to when you were young. Asked to tell you about her favorite memories of some her most precious memories. I do realize how difficult the situation you are in. If she is involved or was in any groups, like Bible study etc... maybe she could call and visit . The barriers at age 93 are many.
Are any of her friends still alive? Is she mobile or dependent? Is she able to engage in anything that brings her pleasure, puzzles maybe. As we age our bucket of negatives may seem to be overflowing so kindly direct her attention to the positives that are left, including memories. If she can't think of anything then remind her of your favorite memory of her as you were growing up. I also think that lack of independence, loneliness and depression are a huge factors in the quality of life as we age. We tend to strike out, be negative, with those we love the most. Almost as if we can take it due to our support and love during their lives. Maybe a regular pet visit would help cheer her up, or a bird feeder she can watch, looking through photos. Focus on redirecting her to positives and do not engage her in the negative interactions. Set limits. I think that as we age we no longer have those life milestones to reach as our final one is death. So let's live in the moment.
She is a know-it-all: Do you say something and she has to correct you? Before you know it, you have said something else in support of your own thoughts. Meaning, you are now going back and forth. Say something...when she argues it, just say hmmm, I don't know. I don't know are 3 of the best words out there to end it. Some folks will keep driving their own point home, so you just continue to repeat those words as much as you need to. The other words I like to use are 'that may be'. - You didn't agree and you didn't disagree. Those 3 can even redirect a chat back to the point at hand quite well. (I say something, she deflects it to something we aren't talking about - 'that may be, however we are talking about this).
I call these women Energy Vampires. Because they suck the life right out of ya.
My EV lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and suffers from advanced dementia these days, which has only served to make her caustic personality even MORE caustic & vile.
I too dread The Daily Phone Call with her b/c it normally turns out badly, with her saying something horrible and upsetting me by stripping the joy right out of my soul.
One day a week I ask my DH to call her, which he does. You can't do that, my condolences over the loss of your husband. You are entitled to joy, regardless of what advice you may get to the contrary. Your mother is entitled to her misery, as well, but what she's not entitled to do is make YOU miserable. It's not so easy to be 'agreeable' and 'just' let everything she says roll right off your back. I know. We're human & these types of people are VERY hard to deal with. Our situation should never be minimized!
The best thing I've found to do for myself is to call at a certain time of day and limit the call to 10 minutes or less. If she's in a particularly vile mood and lashing out, I'll say, "I'm going to hang up now mom and ask that you call me back when you're in a better mood." And then I do it. Otherwise, MY evening will be wrecked dwelling on that 'conversation.' So I nip the nonsense in the bud. I also arrange to call during a mealtime when I know she'll be in the dining room eating and not available to answer her phone. That way, I can leave a cheerful message on her voice mail and suggest she call me back if she feels like it. Which doesn't always happen. Score.
So set boundaries, in other words, and make it more of a level playing field for YOURSELF. Stick to neutral subjects when possible (as if there IS such a thing) and do NOT tell her any personal information you don't want used against you in some way. I tell my mother nothing or it comes back to haunt me every. single. time. Repeat after me: Less Is More.
Good luck. Take care of yourself. There is a way to fulfill your role as a caring daughter to a very negative/difficult mother AND take care of yourself at the same time. It's just a bit tricky and we have to work on it daily, and forgive ourselves our mistakes along the way.
I did this a long time ago with my difficult father. Let the complaints waft through the ether to the phone company – they often deserve it!