My mom is 93 and lives alone in her apartment with family support. She has a negative attitude everyday. How do you cope with that?

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My mom is 93 and lives alone in her apartment with family support. She has a negative attitude everyday. How do you cope with that?

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My mother in every conversation brings up that she is dying when she is relatively healthy. She is so hard to talk to because her stress and negativity affects me terribly. I have some mental health issues but doing well. But as soon as I call my mom I have so much anger toward her. She yells at me. You can’t tell her anything. She knows it all. I am so burnt out I just want to walk away from her. That’s how bad it’s getting. I can’t cope with and DREAD my phone calls to her. What a life. I was widowed three years ago. I am 67 with a fantastic son who is getting married next year. I want joy in my life at this stage. I was a social worker my entire career. I retired to enjoy life. But my mother sucks the life out of me.

Burnout Mom Relationships

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well when she gets on the rampage of negativity.......just hang up. and if she questions what happens, say you don't know but must have gotten disconnected. or just tell her that you don't want to hear her bad stuff. Enjoy yourself and your son and quit calling her so much. I am sure she has other people she can talk to. wishing you luck.........breathe and enjoy your sons special day

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Imho, for your own health, you cannot buy into her acrimony, e.g. 'I've got to run, mother.'

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I know, I know! Maybe it’s generational but my mom was always a glass is half empty person as was her sisters and mother. My cousins and I laugh about it but it does get old fast. I use the "squirrel" method. Whenever she starts going down that gloomy path I jump in with a question or comment to distract her. I go prepared with a list of things to use. And if that doesn’t help I tell he I have an errand and leave or hang up. Life is too short to put up with that.

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Here’s a different approach to the phone call. Start with her telling you all her troubles. Then gently put the phone down on the desk. Wait until you hear a little voice say “hello?...hello?...hello?”. Then pick up the phone, say “sorry, I was distracted for a minute”. You may get a total repetition, but she may be out of steam by then. In any case, it can make a long ‘call’ spend less time annoying you.

I did this a long time ago with my difficult father. Let the complaints waft through the ether to the phone company – they often deserve it!

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Gah, my mother is past 94 years old and has been 'dying' since I was a child, and I'll be 64 in July! If she wasn't rushing off in the car to 'drive off of a bridge & kill herself', then she was surely dying of everything from a headache to a stomach ache to a wart on hand she's had removed more times than I can count. And she's taken 72 falls over the past 5 years alone. That's SEVENTY-TWO falls with not one trip to the ER as a result. No cancer, no surgeries, all body parts still there save for an appendix removed as a teen, no prosthetic limbs, nada. If negativity could have killed her, however, she'd have died decades ago. She has rarely had a civil word to say about another person and never even speaks of her husband of 68 years, my father, who died in 2015, unless it's to say something filthy about him.

I call these women Energy Vampires. Because they suck the life right out of ya.

My EV lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and suffers from advanced dementia these days, which has only served to make her caustic personality even MORE caustic & vile.

I too dread The Daily Phone Call with her b/c it normally turns out badly, with her saying something horrible and upsetting me by stripping the joy right out of my soul.

One day a week I ask my DH to call her, which he does. You can't do that, my condolences over the loss of your husband. You are entitled to joy, regardless of what advice you may get to the contrary. Your mother is entitled to her misery, as well, but what she's not entitled to do is make YOU miserable. It's not so easy to be 'agreeable' and 'just' let everything she says roll right off your back. I know. We're human & these types of people are VERY hard to deal with. Our situation should never be minimized!

The best thing I've found to do for myself is to call at a certain time of day and limit the call to 10 minutes or less. If she's in a particularly vile mood and lashing out, I'll say, "I'm going to hang up now mom and ask that you call me back when you're in a better mood." And then I do it. Otherwise, MY evening will be wrecked dwelling on that 'conversation.' So I nip the nonsense in the bud. I also arrange to call during a mealtime when I know she'll be in the dining room eating and not available to answer her phone. That way, I can leave a cheerful message on her voice mail and suggest she call me back if she feels like it. Which doesn't always happen. Score.

So set boundaries, in other words, and make it more of a level playing field for YOURSELF. Stick to neutral subjects when possible (as if there IS such a thing) and do NOT tell her any personal information you don't want used against you in some way. I tell my mother nothing or it comes back to haunt me every. single. time. Repeat after me: Less Is More.

Good luck. Take care of yourself. There is a way to fulfill your role as a caring daughter to a very negative/difficult mother AND take care of yourself at the same time. It's just a bit tricky and we have to work on it daily, and forgive ourselves our mistakes along the way.

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Adrianna, I'm sorry you're having to deal with your mom's negativity. The aged have so many reasons to look at things the "glass half-empty" way. They've lost or are gradually losing mobility, independence, health, and to some extent self-determination. But it gets old, really old to have to listen to the negativity ad nauseum. I can relate to your statement of your mom "sucks the life out of me." May I suggest, as others have here, to establish and enforce firm boundaries with your mom. Not for your mom, because she 's very unlikely to change, but for you!

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Think about how your conversations go with her: Do you start off with 'how are you today'? Most common opening there is, but it is also the biggest opener for complaints. Don't open with a question for her to answer. Perhaps, it's me. I just finished cleaning the XX and thought I'd call. If complaints or yelling begins for any reason, excuse yourself from the call immediately with another phone call or the door bell.

She is a know-it-all: Do you say something and she has to correct you? Before you know it, you have said something else in support of your own thoughts. Meaning, you are now going back and forth. Say something...when she argues it, just say hmmm, I don't know. I don't know are 3 of the best words out there to end it. Some folks will keep driving their own point home, so you just continue to repeat those words as much as you need to. The other words I like to use are 'that may be'. - You didn't agree and you didn't disagree. Those 3 can even redirect a chat back to the point at hand quite well. (I say something, she deflects it to something we aren't talking about - 'that may be, however we are talking about this).

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I can relate to that , RN for 33 years and spent my 4th decade of life caring for my Mother in an assisted living setting. Setting boundaries was vital for my mental health. My mother , unbeknownst to me, was an alcoholic with likely Multi-infarct dementia. The resulting family dysfunction was a complete surprise to me. I had 2 siblings who also lived close but chose to step out.
In the beginning the anger was unbelievable. She passed in 2018 and now as I look back I could have handled these issues much differently. Yes, she was angry with me. If you live close by I would suggest trying to give her things to look forward to, perhaps start your conversations with a positive story you experienced or perhaps read about so it might set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Maybe share a favorite old song that you remember her listening to when you were young. Asked to tell you about her favorite memories of some her most precious memories. I do realize how difficult the situation you are in. If she is involved or was in any groups, like Bible study etc... maybe she could call and visit . The barriers at age 93 are many.
Are any of her friends still alive? Is she mobile or dependent? Is she able to engage in anything that brings her pleasure, puzzles maybe. As we age our bucket of negatives may seem to be overflowing so kindly direct her attention to the positives that are left, including memories. If she can't think of anything then remind her of your favorite memory of her as you were growing up. I also think that lack of independence, loneliness and depression are a huge factors in the quality of life as we age. We tend to strike out, be negative, with those we love the most. Almost as if we can take it due to our support and love during their lives. Maybe a regular pet visit would help cheer her up, or a bird feeder she can watch, looking through photos. Focus on redirecting her to positives and do not engage her in the negative interactions. Set limits. I think that as we age we no longer have those life milestones to reach as our final one is death. So let's live in the moment.

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First of all, she is 93 and lives alone. She knows she is old and going to die - depressing and scary. If she gets "nasty" or otherwise act out, immediately stop her in her tracks and tell her to stop. If she does not stop at one, say you have to go and hang up. Do NOT call her back if she "misbehaves" as it is greatly harming YOU and YOU do NOT deserve that. She has to learn if she acts out, she will be totally alone. And if she doesn't get it, DO NOT CALL HER and if you do, be prepared to hang up at once.

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Riley the limit / boundaries must be clear to both involved. It is OK to end the conversation but in a kind way. "Getting old is not for sissies". Be kind in your explanations then stay within your boundary to preserve your own mental health.

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Well be glad she isn't living with you. I let my 90 year old mother move back in with me because I was not going to move her to another place, and knew she would be needing more care down the road. The last year was the worst! I think her dementia was starting to kick in. She was negative, critical, controlling - I was at a loss. I started to have really dark thoughts towards her - and facing total burnout. She ended up having a stroke and this past year with Covid has been so challenging. But she is not in my home any longer and I'm slowly starting to feel like my old self again. I still get angry when I think about all the energy and time I wasted on someone so unappreciative. But at this stage she is now in a locked down unit because she kept trying to escape her very nice AL. She's actually pretty content and happy it seems, is gaining weight, looks clean, likes the food and can still walk, talk, and feed herself. At 94 I guess that is the best we can hope for. Our relationship was a trying one and it makes me sad and I'm still dealing with a lot of emotions. God Bless to you but keep your visits short and if she starts to get nasty leave. But yes our Mothers can really suck the life out of us and sometimes I think they are jealous that we are still young enough to enjoy life and their life is almost over. It's definitely a very hard road to go down.

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The quick answer. Very short visits. Once she starts in with negativity you leave. Does not matter if you are half way through a task. Just leave.

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So glad that your mother can live as independently as she can. Your mother's obsession with "dying" and negativity may be signs of depression. Depression is very common in seniors. Please consider having her evaluated and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist.

I expect that you have certain expectations of your mother that you did not have of your depressed or negative clients. Your mother's pattern of negativity is a lifestyle choice she has made. You can not change how she chooses to live her life. However, you can choose what to do about her problem behaviors. Please read any of the books by Townsend and Clark about "boundaries" - and apply their concepts. They are Christian counsellors with a huge success rate of helping people deal with the negative, problematic behaviors of other people.

Choose how you spend your time. Choose to surround yourself with people that make your life a joy, Limit the amount of time your spend with your mom, but DO spend time with her. Consider the time you give her is a gift for her and she is not a place to get your "joy bucket" filled.

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93 and living alone. Put yourself in her shoes and think hard about that. She most likely is very lonely and hiding things like poor eyesight, poor hearing, limited mobility, some dementia. Having "family" support" doesn't mean she is made to feel valued and loved. Even if she was like that her whole life, this woman needs compassion and companionship. She is literally crying out for help by showing her fear and vulnerability.
If you cannot provide those things, find someone who can.

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It sounds like she has too much down time. If her finances allow, I would consider finding assisted living for her where there are organized activities that don't include family. She needs to spend time that assists her in getting out of her negative cycle. If assisted living isn't possible, then a quality adult day care once or twice a week would help.

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Sounds like Mom is depressed, lonely and scared. I don't know how often you or others visit, but I think if she had a visit from people, including you, it might help her disposition.
Can someone come to bring lunch or dinner or even take her out several times a week?
Also, a medical evaluation might help, with the possibility of a prescription to improve her mood.
Best wishes.

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I really don't understand comments to limit how many times the OP calls her mom. My mom calls me - sometimes daily, sometimes several times a day. She always has "a reason". Of course, sometimes I know she is looking for a reason - though I don't think she is consciously doing that. She is on antidepressants. Her eyesight is poor. What friends and relatives she had to talk to are dead. Other family members have distanced themselves, and she truly believes I am the only one who understands her problems. And I probably am. If she calls and I don't answer, or don't return her call in a relatively short time, she fears something has happened to me. And, yes, she has always been negative, fearful, etc., it has just gotten worse and worse.

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So sorry for all of the stress you are having. Are you still adjusting to retirement? I felt as if I “lost” my identity when I retired despite the fact I was happy to free from the daily grind. I still find it hard, since work gave me so much validation and positive feedback. And some of us just never really get over the loss of our spouse. And now that you have some freedom you are dealing with this very negative situation in your life. And trying to enjoy your sons wedding plans while doing it all without your spouse by your side.

It sounds like your mom is a real thorn in your side. You shouldn’t have to be your mom’s “social worker” or whipping post for her grief about aging. You have devoted your life to caring for others. It is time for a break for sure.

I have chosen to have limited to almost no contact with my mother for some very good reasons. I had to go to therapy for almost a year now when I stepped in to manage her affairs. The best thing therapy did for me was to help me formulate responses to my mother’s behavior. She has advanced dementia and is in LTC now, but when I did have to have some more interactions with her, I was advised to keep them short and direct. To not ask what she wanted, but to tell her what the “plan” is. And to say “I have to go now” when my anxiety was rising. I also learned it was okay to tell her, in a calm but firm manner, to stop her behavior. Therapy also helped me to understand (and cope better) my “trauma response” to my mother.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to go out and enjoy your life. Your mother will always be negative. You will never change that. You say that she has “family support.” What about you? I know that if communication needs to happen I have family that will step up and manage the face to face for me if ever needed. This way I can avoid contact with my mother. I also rely on the staff at her facility to communicate her needs to me.

Good luck with the wedding and make some plans for happiness in your retirement!

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Next time she brings up dying agree with her. She's 93 and yes she will die sooner, rather than later. Talking about dying might actually make her stop talking about it. As for the rest of her negativity the only solution is to 1. Acknowledge said negativity by agreeing that x, y, z she brings up really sucks. 2. Tell her she is being too negative and end the phone call. 3. Stop calling her so much. 4. Let her talk while you pretend to listen.

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One possibility is to go to YouTube and play Sarah Silverman's absolutely tasteless but funny "You're Gonna Die Soon" video for her!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFbcRNCXEXM

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Get connected with a local social worker and caregiver groups that can also advise you. Have you considered talking to a therapist who can help you cope with your relationship with your mother and give you some tips on how to keep her from getting into your head? Mothers and daughters know how to press each others' hot buttons, but you can learn how to reduce conflict with her and have happier calls and visits. The goal for both of you now should be to have loving and joyful visits so that you both can enjoy each other.

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As you can see everyone is telling you to not contact mom so often, and to set boundaries. I bet she’s been a negative controller her whole life and as she’s gotten older it’s been amplified. I note your profile says she has depression. Is she on anything for it?
I have a small book to recommend for you to read by Paul Chafetz called Loving Hard to Love Parents A Handbook for Children of Difficult Older Parents. It is a short read and full of tips and explanations of the various personality types. This psychologist also counsels adults of difficult parents and can do so online. He is in Dallas and my sister has used him. He is very good. You need a third ear, if not him then see a therapist. But get this book and it will help you deal with her. Yes you deserve joy and if she is inhibiting that then you need to address it.

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She can only suck the life out of you if you let her.

Remember, it takes two to tango.

Dont fight with her.

Acrept she is who she is and isn't going to change.

Pick your battles.

Let her do as she pleases.

Juse call and say hi and be agreeable.

Don't stay on the phone long, make short and sweet check ins on her.

She's probably just bored.

Bring her things to keep her busy like Paint sets, Puzzles, coloring books, ect.

Arange for outings.

I know you have your own life but hopefully you can take her out once a week.

See if you can get other relatives. Friends, Church Members, ect to visit so she can have a visitor every day.

Maybe she would be happier living at an assisted living place where she would have others to talk to and they would have planned activities.

Prayers

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Does she have actual visitors? Being stuck in an apartment all day by myself, phone calls notwithstanding, would emphasize the isolation.

For your future peace of mind, try visualizing a day in her shoes in detail.

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Have you considered either an apartment in an independent living setting with multiple activities for Mom to get involved? Or perhaps an adult senior center where she can go a few days a week for activities?

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This is a very sensible idea, but sadly some elderly parents *won't* take part in any activities, even when, in my own mother's case, they claim to be bored, and are unable or unwilling to go out to do things, so the whole burden falls on family carers.

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You must live the rest of your life which could be a lot since you are the product of a long liver. She knows she has a limited amount of time. You need to prepare for the telephone call. Plan it as you would a client. Prepare a remembrance that you can discuss. Let her know you want to have the full picture of her life. Also, put a limit on the telephone call, and leave her with an idea such as a memory she would like to share. It might leave her thinking how wonderful her life has been rather than that it is going to end soon. Enjoy the wedding in the next year and all the preparation.

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I'm sorry for your situation and I don't mean to to sound snarky or sarcastic but when you mother complains that she's dying - agree with her with a response like "yes mom with each passing day each one of us is closer to our death." Just acknowledge her statement.

Does your mother spend all her time in her apartment or is she able to get out and do things - just enjoy the fresh air? Has she always been negative or is it a more recent development. If she's always been negative then you are going to just have to find ways to handle the situation - such as talk to her less or when she has nothing good to say make excuses and end the conversation. If this is relatively new behavior, if I were in your place, I'd put my social worker hat and help her with her feelings and come up with solutions together to find a happier place - you can't make her happy - but you might help her learn how to find some joy in life. You have a right not to be dragged down with negativity.

I live with my very own "Debbie Downer" husband - and yes it sucks the life right out of you. When I point out that all he does is bitch and moan - he denies it - just telling it like it is. But he rarely ever has anything positive to say. I think because of his low self-esteem he wants everyone to be as miserable as he is - and today he has truly succeeded. The problem is I can't hang up on him or leave the room (he follows along behind continuing to talk).

Good luck.

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As soon as Mom starts her complaining on the phone:

”Wow, Mom. It sounds like you’re having a hard time right now. I’ll call later on when you’re feeling better.”

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Was Mom always negative? If so you are not going to change her now. Such a shame. We have a man in our church who is 101. Still lives in his own home with a daughter next door and a son who helps. He takes a daily walk and just had his picture taken at a grand opening of an Icecream parlor just up the street from him that he walked to.

I too would look at Mom as a client not your Mother. How would u as a trained professional handle this situation. But then maybe that is why she bothers you so much. You were burnt out from a job where you had to figure out what to do for others, how to solve their problems. Maybe time to tell Mom what you said here "you suck the life out of me". Tell her there is nothing you can do about her getting older. That her negativity does not help her circumstances.

Time for you to take the reins. Maybe a little break. Can she be alone for a week? A few days? Places are opening up. Or just tell her you won't be available for a few days. If that can't be done, then just don't go over. Keep your phone calls to once or twice a day. When she starts with the negativity, just say "sorry Mom, I just can't deal with that right now"

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Sounds like she would benefit from some antidepressant treatment - it's a pain in the a**, and demoralising to get old and know you can do less, be capable of doing less, feel un-needed. But something like Mirtazapine can do a lot to lift the negativity and make someone more equable to deal with. As can ensuring she is getting a proper diet. We have found an iPad with Facetime (and nothing else to confuse) on works wonders - yes we get calls (which sometimes we ignore if they exceed a couple a day) but seeing a face, and having a ten minute chat even about the weather can help reduce a feeling of isolation. Of course friends numbers can be added if they have the facility. Zoom may be an option. As long as the elder can be taught to use the Pad this can release a lot of the tensions and needs to have physical presence more than you can give. (Its amazing how one can get cut off on calls that are becoming difficult :) )

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Again, a great idea, but some parents refuse to use any form of technology, thus limiting their own lives even more. It is so hard to gauge how far this is our responsibility when it's their choice but affects their life -and ours - negatively.

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Adrianna

What does your mom want you to do about her impending death? Does she have her funeral planned? Paid for? Is she religious? Has she seen a neurologist? Is she taking anything for her anxiety? Have you discussed her anxiety with her doctor? Does she eat well? Get plenty of sleep? Exercise?

In other words is she doing anything and everything she can to manage her stress?
Is she able to do that?

While your mom may be in relatively good health for her age, she is still 93 which is very old. She has probably outlived most of her generation. That would be stressful in itself.

It could be that she truly has no idea how much what she says affects you. If she is accustomed to just unloading her free floating anxiety onto you when you talk, and it triggers your own anxiety, threatens your mental health, then you may have to just not call. The elderly seem to have little ability to think of anyone but themselves.
The calls don’t seem to be helping either one of you. If you feel responsible for her well being, then come up with an alternative to the calls.

Is your mom homebound? How does she handle her ADLs? Is she dependent on you and your sister? It could be time to get her more help aside from the family if that is the case.

Below is the link to your Area Agency on Aging. Look over this site and give them a call to see what help might be available in your area for your mom and yourself.

Telling her that she can’t talk about what is on her mind probably won’t help.
She sees you as someone she can ask to help her.

I notice that whatever routine I have set up works for awhile and then things progress and what worked before no longer does and I have to increase the care.

So recognize that your mom needs more help than she is getting now. And you need a change as well.

That doesn’t mean you have to provide it hands on, but she probably needs you to manage it.

To continue calling her, hearing her bring up what is distressing her, then you discounting her feelings or being stressed by her feelings is just not working for either one of you.

Try to come up with an action plan tonight to try something new.

https://www.co.somerset.nj.us/government/human-services/aging-disability-services

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Even though your Mom is 93 that doesn't mean she should have control over you. As others said, limit your time with her and when she starts yelling at you just walk out. You could say "Mom, I love you but I'm not going to let you upset me" and keep that boundary. Maybe she will get the message and stop.

Or before you go over to her you can call her to see what kind of mood she is in and if you sense she is being really negative then postpone your visit or do a dropout if it's food or something she needs. Less contact the better.

Best to you!
Jenna

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My mom is 93 and lives alone in her apartment with family support. She has a negative attitude everyday. How do you cope with that?

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