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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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You may be overemphasizing the importance of dementia testing and diagnosis. You know she has dementia. You've seen many signs of it. She probably knows she has it too. She's going to have dementia with a diagnosis or without. Her attitude is a form of denial; she wants to bury her head in the sand. Understandable.
Saying she'll harm herself? That's like she's manipulating everyone and wanting to be told that you'll do everything to help her, that you couldn't stand it if something happened to her, and so on. Tell her those things to comfort her. By the way, neither of my parents was ever told they had dementia. Doctor doesn't have to tell her, and you and dad don't either. As for doctor, emphasize how she's acting and ask if she can take Aricept or/and Memantine. I've known doctors who have prescribed these based on reports of behavior from family and a simple test in their office. One was an osteopath. (You could download the test from online and casually present the questions over a period of time to see how mom answers the questions; share results with doctor.)
Since she's not navigating well outside the home, make sure she doesn't drive. Too dangerous. Be alert for wandering behavior. All of you get Apple smartwatches and put the FindMe app on all of them. That way you can monitor her moving around and locate her if she gets lost. It has a fall alert that can notify 911 if she falls. You and dad can quietly modify their home - lots of nightlights that switch on when it gets dark, move furniture so there are clear paths, take up moveable rugs, equip bathrooms with grab bars. Prepare, prepare, prepare.
As a last-ditch attempt to get her to the doctor, lie. Tell her she'll lose her Medicare if she doesn't go to her annual exam. Also, there are doctors who will come to her house. Find out if you have some near you.
I feel sorry for dad, and he's going to need help. Don't let it be only you. Don't move them into your home. Push memory care with professionals right from the beginning, and visit some so you'll know what they are like. Be aware that home aides are difficult to manage, and even though it seems like a great solution, it can't be sustained for long. You'd need more than one even with you and dad there.
Good luck, I'm sorry you're all going through this.
You do not give much information on mom. I presume since you have put this under "dementia" that that is a diagnosis. (I hope you have POA) Unless mom has other medical conditions that require continued monitoring or renewal of prescription what do you need her to go to the doctor for? If mom goes on Hospice (a good possibility) that would eliminate the need for taking her to the doctor. Any prescription can be ordered by the Hospice doctor and delivered. And if a prescription is not necessary maybe it is time to discontinue some of the meds she is on (if any)
But getting to her "refusing" If mom has dementia she no longer has the capacity to make decisions as to her care. YOU or whoever is POA is the decision maker. You do not give her a choice. "Mom, you have an appointment with Dr. Jones today and we will go to lunch after" You tell her this as you are helping her get dressed in the morning. You don't mention it the day before. Sometimes it might even be better to not say anything at all and get her into the car and "go for a ride".
And if getting her into the car is getting impossible or dangerous there are doctors that make house calls.
A doctor has to recommend hospice. If hospice a possibility, she will need to see a doctor first. I don't know if a doctor who makes house calls but has never seen her before and doesn't have her medical records (if any) is going to recommend hospice. based on a house call.
My husband has dementia (undiagnosed) and refuses to go to the doctor because, as he insists, there's nothing wrong with him. He clearly does have some form of dementia, because his behavior is very similar to his mother's when we care for her with her dementia. I recently went to the local clinic by myself and talked with some of the nurses there. I explained our situation, actually started tearing up at one point, and once they understood my predicament, they said that if it turned out that I could not get my husband to come in for a checkup, then the doctor would come to our house. We live in a small, rural town and people here are so kind. I made an appointment for the clinic, and have been reminding myself that I am the boss (I have both a medical and durable POA) and I should not feel guilty for 'pushing' my husband. We women sometimes have trouble with this! That's my two-cents and I hope it might help someone else going through this nightmare called dementia.
I too am looking into a Dr coming to the house. My mom refuses any & all care, medicine or help. She tells us she’s never been to a Dr in her life and has never taken medicine of any kind. Truth is, she was the queen of going to any Dr’s, took every kind of medication given to her well past what it was needed for in the first place. In fact, she was a pharmaceutical addict. One of my harshest punishments was bc my sister and I thru a metal file cabinet of meds into the garbage. Worst “spanking” I ever got…
It seems that you think a formal diagnosis of dementia would be an important answer about what is wrong. Perhaps you need to find out more about dementia generally, and this site is a good place to start. Click on ‘Care Topics’ at the top right of the screen, then on D for Dementia on the alphabetic list.
There are different types of dementia, and I am certainly not an expert. Probably the most common is Alzheimers. Finding which type can be useful in telling what to expect about its progression, even if there is nothing much you can do about it. For many types, you can make a reasonable diagnosis from behavior. My understanding that a certain diagnosis can usually come only from an autopsy investigation of the brain, after death, which can show the plaques.
Find out more about this, before making life difficult for all your family members by pushing for a doctor’s diagnosis – or from resisting it.
Over 10 years ago, I encountered the same thing with my now 84 year old Mom. A sibling reported she was not acting herself, couldn’t find her way home from the store, and eventually dragging one leg when she walked…but refused to go to the doctor or hospital. I leveraged her fondness with my adult son to lovingly but firmly get her to the hospital. There she was diagnosed with a mild stroke and NPH dementia. It’s important to note that self neglect is a form of elder abuse! The earlier the diagnosis, the better!
Stop expecting mom to acknowledge her memory loss, she cannot do this. Talk to dad privately about the help he needs now and will need as this progresses. Time to see if he has a realistic idea of the situation and future, along with any plans for it
I was in a very similar situation several years ago. Diagnosis can help activate durable power of attorney if you (or your dad) has that for your mom. So if she needs to have finances taken away from her, or car keys, etc, the dr who diagnoses her can write a letter including her diagnosis and recommending this and if can help you. Diagnosis can also help the dr if she needs meds to curb problematic or dangerous behaviors that could drive your dad and you around the bend.
but if it’s impossible to get her diagnosed (and even with cooperative patients it can sometimes be difficult) then you and dad are going to have to manage the best you can in the meantime. It’s really hard, but know shes unlikely to get better. She will almost certainly get worse. I agree with the person who said you can’t do this alone (be your dad’s only support). One drowning person can pull two down with her just by wearing you out.
in My case, my dad starting behaving really erratically in his mid-70s. Luckily he was willing to see a dr because he thought it was just to help him with insomnia. He was really mad about having power over finances taken away from him, but he had been making a lot of terrible mistakes. He was also mad about having the car keys taken away, but he had been in a couple of accidents and getting lost and driving erratically.
he passed recently and now it’s my mom who refuses to see a dr. I don’t think she has dementia but she has other physical issues.
Similar to your parents, they had been married 60 years when he passed.
Do you parents live in a city or a rural area? Do you physically reside near them? Will your parents accept "helpers" coming into their home? Does anyone have POA for Financial and Medical matters for your parents? (If the answer is "NO", the time to obtain POA is now) If your Dad were to "drop dead" right now (God forbid), what plans are in place as to what should be done with your Mom? No matter where you live, have you explored the possibility of ANY medical practitioners make House Calls, in the area in which your parents reside? Are you keeping a "log" of unusual behavior exhibited by your mother? (You may need this later) Has she gotten lost? Do you are your Dad still allow her to drive? How does your Dad get groceries right now? Who does meal preparation for them? Would your Dad agree to a plan to shift the both of them "out" of their home and into an Assisted Living facility that had a "continuum of care", meaning that if your Mom became unmanageable, she could be moved to the MC portion of the facility but your Dad (back in Assisted living) could still visit her daily or several times a day. What is their financial situation? Would it be necessary to sell their home to move them to a "Continuum of Care" situation? Do either of them have Long Term Care insurance? OK, I am exhausted and probably have exhausted you, also. Do you have siblings who can help you? I do think seeing a Physician is important although there's very little treatment to be had that can make your Mom "better". A thorough physical exam, though, could set a baseline of where she currently charts on Activities of Daily Living. From this baseline, Mom's deterioration could be documented, were legal action needed to have a Legal Guardianship of your mother enacted. My heart goes out to that Sainted father of yours, who will likely pass away first, from exhaustion (both physical and mental) of taking care of your uncooperative mother. Be prepared for that: Were your Mom or a neighbor to call to say, "Your Dad is being taken by ambulance to hospital": What plan would you enact at that point to have proper care and oversight enacted to deal with your mother?
This is an EXCELLENT list of questions that many people would benefit from to print out and post.
I don't understand how you / others know more about a specific post/ person / need than I do (looking at the question here which doesn't mention things you do).
Sometimes we must just let the chips fall where they may; ensure your dad is in good hands, get a plan in place for when your mom goes further into decline, and just accept she does not want medical interference of any kind. My mom was indepedent to the point of stubbornness, admirable in some ways but it eventually caused her to die from her own and her HMO doctor's denial of her true condition. You just ensure the loved one has basic comfort and allow them their free will.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Saying she'll harm herself? That's like she's manipulating everyone and wanting to be told that you'll do everything to help her, that you couldn't stand it if something happened to her, and so on. Tell her those things to comfort her. By the way, neither of my parents was ever told they had dementia. Doctor doesn't have to tell her, and you and dad don't either. As for doctor, emphasize how she's acting and ask if she can take Aricept or/and Memantine. I've known doctors who have prescribed these based on reports of behavior from family and a simple test in their office. One was an osteopath. (You could download the test from online and casually present the questions over a period of time to see how mom answers the questions; share results with doctor.)
Since she's not navigating well outside the home, make sure she doesn't drive. Too dangerous. Be alert for wandering behavior. All of you get Apple smartwatches and put the FindMe app on all of them. That way you can monitor her moving around and locate her if she gets lost. It has a fall alert that can notify 911 if she falls. You and dad can quietly modify their home - lots of nightlights that switch on when it gets dark, move furniture so there are clear paths, take up moveable rugs, equip bathrooms with grab bars. Prepare, prepare, prepare.
As a last-ditch attempt to get her to the doctor, lie. Tell her she'll lose her Medicare if she doesn't go to her annual exam. Also, there are doctors who will come to her house. Find out if you have some near you.
I feel sorry for dad, and he's going to need help. Don't let it be only you. Don't move them into your home. Push memory care with professionals right from the beginning, and visit some so you'll know what they are like. Be aware that home aides are difficult to manage, and even though it seems like a great solution, it can't be sustained for long. You'd need more than one even with you and dad there.
Good luck, I'm sorry you're all going through this.
(I hope you have POA)
Unless mom has other medical conditions that require continued monitoring or renewal of prescription what do you need her to go to the doctor for?
If mom goes on Hospice (a good possibility) that would eliminate the need for taking her to the doctor. Any prescription can be ordered by the Hospice doctor and delivered.
And if a prescription is not necessary maybe it is time to discontinue some of the meds she is on (if any)
But getting to her "refusing"
If mom has dementia she no longer has the capacity to make decisions as to her care. YOU or whoever is POA is the decision maker. You do not give her a choice. "Mom, you have an appointment with Dr. Jones today and we will go to lunch after" You tell her this as you are helping her get dressed in the morning. You don't mention it the day before. Sometimes it might even be better to not say anything at all and get her into the car and "go for a ride".
And if getting her into the car is getting impossible or dangerous there are doctors that make house calls.
There are different types of dementia, and I am certainly not an expert. Probably the most common is Alzheimers. Finding which type can be useful in telling what to expect about its progression, even if there is nothing much you can do about it. For many types, you can make a reasonable diagnosis from behavior. My understanding that a certain diagnosis can usually come only from an autopsy investigation of the brain, after death, which can show the plaques.
Find out more about this, before making life difficult for all your family members by pushing for a doctor’s diagnosis – or from resisting it.
There she was diagnosed with a mild stroke and NPH dementia. It’s important to note that self neglect is a form of elder abuse! The earlier the diagnosis, the better!
Have her Medicare provider schedule one. Tell her it is "required" now to keep her Medicare coverage.
but if it’s impossible to get her diagnosed (and even with cooperative patients it can sometimes be difficult) then you and dad are going to have to manage the best you can in the meantime. It’s really hard, but know shes unlikely to get better. She will almost certainly get worse. I agree with the person who said you can’t do this alone (be your dad’s only support). One drowning person can pull two down with her just by wearing you out.
in My case, my dad starting behaving really erratically in his mid-70s. Luckily he was willing to see a dr because he thought it was just to help him with insomnia. He was really mad about having power over finances taken away from him, but he had been making a lot of terrible mistakes. He was also mad about having the car keys taken away, but he had been in a couple of accidents and getting lost and driving erratically.
he passed recently and now it’s my mom who refuses to see a dr. I don’t think she has dementia but she has other physical issues.
Similar to your parents, they had been married 60 years when he passed.
best wishes to you.
I don't understand how you / others know more about a specific post/ person / need than I do (looking at the question here which doesn't mention things you do).
Gena / Touch Matters