Hi all. First post here so thank you in advance for any answers and help.
My partner's mother was recently diagnosed with dementia. She has delusions that have caused her to wander to a neighbors house thinking her son lived there. The family at that house called the police for assistance even though she was totally non-violent. She was taken to the hospital for evaluation and then placed in the psychiatric ward for a few weeks while they administered medication (to help with the delusions) and evaluated her. In this process, they concluded her paranoia and delusions are dementia.Part of her delusion is that she believes her son (my partner) is not her real son but an imposter. This makes it impossible for him to help take care of her, despite numerous attempts to form trust and a relationship.She was released from the psych ward recently (and went home because she has been able to generally take care of herself) but has not shown up to any of her court ordered Dr. appointments. As such, they are issuing a non-compliance order and if she comes out of her house, they will take her back to the hospital. At that point, we have decided she cannot return home and needs to go into assisted living or other type of care.However - and here is the ultimate question from the long-winded intro - the couple of places he's called to get her into won't even talk to him after they hear she's been in the psych ward (despite no violence or aggression, or mental illness of any type). Has anyone run into this as well? It feels very discriminatory because they aren't even willing to speak to him further or do an assessment. She's a great candidate for assisted living because she can do so much on her own but just needs a safe place that is secure and keeps an eye on her... until the dementia progresses to her needing more skilled care.
His Mom needs Memory Care, which provides the level of care for her particular issues. Being in a psych ward clearly indicates she has significant problems and needs proper supervision. Nothing "discriminatory" about it. He wants his Mom safe, or he doesn't.
Your Mom has a memory problem, so the best place for her would be "Memory Care" as the Staff in memory care are familiar with the mysteries of dementia. Plus, memory care doesn't allow the residents to go outside unless they are with family or Staff. The Memory Care floor is always locked (no different then us having our front and back door locked all the time).
When calling around looking for Memory Care, I wouldn't mentioned "psych ward". Let the facility do their own vetting. In fact, I wouldn't been surprised if your Mom had an urinary tract infection which was causing her to be delusional. Did the hospital check her for a UTI?
Unless medication is found that works to remove the delusions, unfortunately fully supervised living may be necessary.
Finding a safe yet homely place will be a challenge. A place with sitting rooms & gardens to walk freely but doors locked to the street would be ideal.
My neighbour was against a locked ward MC unit. He kept his Mother at home despite a few incidents of daytime wandering (& being brought home by neighbours). She wandered outside one night & was hit by a car on a main road. Very sad.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I hope you find the perfect place.
It is not surprising to me that they wouldn't interview / meet your MIL. They know who they can manage based on degree of dementia or more specifically, perhaps MD documentation / diagnosis, and their specific facility structure.
It sounds like your MIL may need to go into memory care as you describe her brain chemistry / hallucinations.
Do they have this level of care?
If not, you likely will need to find another place that does.
My heart goes out to your husband. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have a parent not recognize her child. How is he coping?
If your MIL fears her son due to associations, he could say "I'm his really good friend and he asked me to visit you today - if that's okay with you (?).
"Your son is at the store shopping for groceries now. He'll come over later."
You NEVER want to 'try' to convince a person having hallucinations that they are 'wrong' / nor correct them. This is their brain chemistry; they cannot help what they sense / see / believe. Developing a sense of safety and trust is fine / needed although if she is triggered (scared) by her association of this 'man,' it might be best if he doesn't get too close / invade her personal space. Perhaps he could sit a distance away and observe her.
See if MIL needs medication. Or the medication could have something to do with the hallucinations. Do read up on these things (to help you / your husband understand what is going on in her mind, as best one can. Often most of us have no idea what they think or how they synthesize / process information (incl visual, non-verbal, verbal) incoming in.
My client in memory care talked 'gibberish' only.
Focus on smiling, (soft) tone of voice, mentioning her name, saying things like "that's a good idea, I'll think about it" or "I have to think about that and get back to you" depending on how she communicates.
Change the subject or re-focus her attention as needed.
See if you can work with a social worker (at the hospital) or call your County, Senior Services for referrals. Or if there is a dementia association in your area, call them (for support groups if that could help you/r husband and possible facility referrals).
Gena / Touch Matters
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