I've tried fast foods. I've tried desserts to get her to eat something. I've seen her pick the crusts off a nicely grilled sandwich, hot and melting with cheese. and not eat the rest. I've seen her throw food directly into the garbage bin. When I told her they were going to throw me in jail, she stopped to think for a minute or two. Then I told her she was starting to look emaciated, she looked at her arm (which is pretty skinny). I just started giving her an Ensure for lunch to get some vitamins down her. She is responding well to that. I'm afraid if I give her sweets, she will think that is all she wants and needs.
A very important thing to remember, as I went through this with a family member, is that the body is not hungry (and will reject food) when it physiologically can't process it. The good news is that the body will also stop sending hunger signals. So your mom (if this is what's happening) will not be "starving" because she won't be feeling what we healthy people do when we're hungry. She just simply won't want food — no pain or discomfort.
Conversely, forcing food that she can't process can cause a lot of problems in the body. Food the body doesn't digest can become toxic. Sometimes the digestive system isn't moving the food along, which can lead to bloating and painful gas. And much more.
Anyhow, I'm not a doctor — just someone who witnessed this and had to learn a lot about it.
Talk with her physician, a hospice advisor, and a dietician. They can work out a healthy diet for her in whatever remaining time she has. Even if she's around another year or more, she may just eat very little. Most important is what she eats, not how much.
Last, be sure to look out for yourself during this time. However it goes, it'll be hard. The ability to which you can support and care for her in the coming months or years will greatly depend on your taking care of yourself, emotionally and physically. I wish you well. 💕
At 82 I eat one meal a day, as does 84 year old partner, who is skinny as a rail due to GERD and little appetite. He spreads his meals of necessity into small amounts throughout the day. Given he weighs VERY little, my partner is still told by docs they are amazed at his great blood pressure readings, his stamina, his balance, and the lack of plague in his arteries. So go figure. They aren't at all worried. Figuring the statistics we have both still outlived our sell-by dates.
Allow your elder now, who is in the very last stages of life, to eat when, if, and how much she likes. I say that as an old, retired RN
With your mother bedridden it's now time to discuss hospice and palliative care with her doctors, and with mom herself if she's up to discussing and decision making.
PS: Chocolate ensure makes a nifty milkshake with a bit of icecream, but only if she wants it.
Some things have remedies. But aging and death does not.
Take Care
I told my mom she can't eat like she's fasting. She's just 100 pounds & it's a struggle to keep that weight on her.
My mom eats off saucers now. Small portions. I cook for her and make sure she's eating breakfast, dinner, popcorn, fruit, Ensures etc.
Keep doing the Ensures. Try soups & blend up her veggies and make it a soft serve.
Also, there's this 1500 calorie powder, I.m guessing some sort of protein drink you blend...I guess for those in the fitness world who want to put on weight.
I just ordered some off Amazon for my mom.
That may help them, as well.:)
We didn't have the benefit of the knowledge that when the body is shutting down, the person doesn't eat and forcing food is actually very harmful for them. But fortunately my MIL didn't try to humor us and just kept sending back the trays untouched, and we didn't push.
I'm sorry you may be coming to the end. Consult her doctor and see what s/he thinks about hospice. The hospice nurses will be good source of information as to what's coming. BTW, if she actually wants sweets, it's okay to give them to her. The nutrition rules are somewhat out the window for an 88 year old.
I'm glad she is responding well to the ensure.
You can mix a little orange juice with vanilla protein drinks, and make a tasty option. This is what I do for my husband. He does not eat solid foods at all.
I make a batch of protein drinks every morning to last through the day, and I am always finding ways to add something new to the mix. Cooked sweet potato is another good addition, a couple tablespoons, mashed and mixed in the blender with a protein drink, and a little juice, strawberry or orange for different flavor, and he loves it!
Try giving mom smaller meals, more like snacks, several times a day. She might only eat a few bites at a time. That's ok. Her body is slowing down, and does not need much.
What I wished for my mum, when the dementia was advancing and she was becoming weaker and losing a little bit more of herself every day, was for her to have as peaceful a passing as possible.
Don't get me wrong, it was very difficult to make the decision to stop persuading her to take nourishment that she didn't want, but Mum was getting distressed by the cajoling her to eat and drink, so stopping was the kindest thing to do.
I wish your mum peace and dignity, and for you strength and acceptance.
Do you manage her meds?
I give my wife a vitamin gummy every night along with her supper pills. She loves that one. They're cheap. I get them at Sam's.
Diet was a real struggle for us too. I never could choose the right thing, no matter what I chose. But that has pretty much resolved by signing up for meal deliveries, one meal each weekday. We signed her up for the Peace Meals program from OSF. They bring a small well balanced meal to the house every day. It's very affordable. They claim it costs them $9 to make & deliver the meals and they ask for $4 donation for each meal (billed monthly ~$75). They have external funding and you qualify by your situation not your income/assets. Peace Meals has been a real blessing for us because she is more likely to eat something I'm not recommending. And if she happens to not eat one for some reason, throwing a $4 meal in the trash ain't too hard.
The 'goes in' is one thing. There also has to be a healthy 'goes out'.
Making sure she always has drinking water near her is easy.
It took us a lot of trial & error finding the right fiber protocol.
One Fibercon tablet on Tuesdays & Fridays has been working great for my wife.
Sometimes my wife will get into a diarrhea & vomiting cycle. When that happens I start supplementing Magnesium & Potassium. If I don't start that soon enough she'll wind up in the ER getting a Magnesium & Potassium IV which pulls her out of it. But, of course talk to your Dr about this before trying it.
I also give her a good probiotic every morning.
on life. There was nothing I could do I got her the best care I could.
Ensure? Yech!!
Protein is important for all of us...especially as we age.
My friend's husband has recently become diabetic - she's a wonderful baker! The dietician has advised him to not use artificial sweetener as studies have shown that the body reacts in such a way that they don't help diabetes. Instead, she recommended he eat fats and protein at the same time as anything sugary, to slow down metabolism of the sugars. It's working. (Obviously, he has to also limit how much sweet stuff he eats, but he isn't in his 80s.)
Sugar gives instant energy, which is good for someone who's body is failing, so metabolising food becomes more difficult.
She might be shutting down. And she's made it to 88, if she wants sweet flavored things, give her some. I found that you can make a protein powder pudding which gets some vitamins in while being palatable.
Why is she bedridden?
Do you have Hospice involved?
If mom is at end of life stopping eating and drinking or at least eating or drinking very little is common and part of the dying process.
Her body does not require the same calories that you or I do.
Pleas do not stress your mom by telling her that they are going to put you in jail. That thought should not be in her mind.
If she is drinking the Ensure or other protein enriched drink that is good.
Frankly I would let her eat what she wants when she wants.
But if you don't have Hospice please contact one of your choice
there is a condition called "Failure to Thrive" and it is a condition that Hospice will accept as a diagnosis.
My mum lived on meal supplement milk shakes (similar to Ensure) for about 2 years. We had been trying to persuade Mum to eat for about a decade and she was emaciated, before we found a supplement that she could tolerate.
Mum died earlier this year, at 76 years old. She was only bedridden for the last month of her life, although she had significantly reduced mobility leading up to that point.
If your mum is bedridden and has a reduced appetite, it could well be nature taking its course. Let your mum eat or drink whatever makes her happy. Ensure and sweets is fine - whatever gives her a little energy and perhaps a little pleasure, in fact, is more than fine.
Be very careful getting into the habit of bringing outside meal too frequently(if she’s in a facility) because with my mother in law she started to expect special meals daily and it just wasn’t possible to do that. We noticed that she started to refuse meals from the facility because she wanted the outside meals and expected them.
If she doesn’t want to eat, that is okay- because if she gets hungry enough, she will definitely eat. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on it, or that she’s starting to look emaciated- it just might be making her want to push back and refuse. Try an attitude of “you don’t want to eat today? Okay that’s cool no worries. If you want to let me know” and maybe offer the idea of food again in a half hour.
I wouldn’t give her ultimatums or the idea that she or I could get in trouble, especially the jail thing, lol. If I were to do that with my mother-in-law, she would probably stop for a minute and think and be totally OK with someone else getting in trouble for her actions lol. Especially if it were her husband!
This whole thing is trial and error. So don’t feel bad for trying to guilt trip her and it not working. We’ve never had to do this kind of stuff before and we learn as we go and from others that have been through it.
The less pressure, the better is what seems to work in my situation. Good luck!