I have written here a few times, but I really need to off load and speak to you friends that are in similar situations.
@lealonnie said once in one of her replies " why would you let your mother's misery be the focus of your life.
I don't know how to handle this. I feel a little piece of me dies whenever I speak to her which is several times a day.
I just CAN NOT break free. I NEED fixing.
I live in another country with my husband, and I have two grown up married sons.
I visit my mum every 3/4 months and stay for 3/4 weeks. The trip itself to the middle east is very tiring for me now and while I am there it is very miserable and controlling and abusive language.
But I do so much for her from here and while I am there. I send money when she says my hearing aid cost so much then I help etc.
Recently I ended up in hospital with sever musculoskeletal neck and spine pain. I am sure the stress of getting involved with my mum's complaining, crying, etc. had something to do with it. My brother has devoted his life to stay with her and he gets NO thanks but only abusive belittling and criticism and daily arguments, but he soldiers on. He goes away every 6 weeks to see his son and wife for 2/3 weeks.
Oh my god. The minute that door is shut I get all the nasty phone calls, cries that my children have abandoned me, I need one of you here all the time, I will die, and you won't see me, you should come so I am not alone.
The thing is that there are her neighbors who are nice and pop in every day and do her shopping.
She is an able person but she is scared of falling so she won't leave the apartment (which I understand) but she is nasty to people who help her and then she regrets it and doesn't have the face to ask them for favor. She says she just wants either me or my brother there.
Her constant crying rips my heart out but to be honest I mentally don't feel well enough to go yet and it's not even 10 weeks that I have been there.
She doesn't want me to be happy at all. I honestly don't think she cares about me either.
I can't even tell her I am visiting my son for a pizza and all I get is " oh lucky you that you are having a good time " I don't tell her anything.
Couldn’t even tell her about my son's wedding day because she would have made me so miserable (she had already done that for my eldest son's wedding).
Yet she has this hold on me.
I feel SO guilty that is so profound that I almost don't want to exist.
Why is it like this?
I am 63 years old. I am not getting any younger and feel I am trapped in this guilt and shame and sadness.
Is it me? Am I wrong?
I am mentally exhausted every day.
She is in my thoughts every second of the day.
Thanks for listening. 😊
Frankly, I don’t believe it’s a cultural thing. I’m Canadian, of British descent, and my mother heaped it out too. She now has advanced dementia and very rarely recognizes me, but is still complaining to anyone who will listen about how I married and had kids when I should have devoted my life to her, how she’s never visited my home in spite of living here for over 15 years, everyone picked on her... she has always looked for trouble and found it, exaggerating everything to make her a martyr or victim. She tried to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to be with her 24/7. She told me I had no right to be happy unless she was.
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. You were groomed to believe that but it is not true.
Nothing you do will ever ever be enough for her. You cannot change that.
Would you ever say to your sons “Leave your marriage and career and home to be by my side forever or I will die!”? No? Would you tell them that your mother makes you miserable and they’re responsible for your happiness so they must deal with her misery? Sounds crazy, right? Who would say such a thing to their children? But you have been groomed to believe that is your role. It is not!
I am ahead of you, having recognized that the guilt and shame that have weighed so heavily on me my entire life (I’m about your age) were instilled to manipulate me. And so I am well on my way to shedding them.
Unfortunately I am now dealing with tremendous anger at having given up many things to try and satisfy her unquenchable thirst for more, more, more.
But my anger is fading to pity for her and her misery. Imagine thinking manipulation and enmeshment is the way to maintain a relationship with your child. Pathetic!
Grey rock your mother for 24 hours. Does she die? If not, try 3 days. Baby steps. Then a week. Or distance yourself further. Your life has value and there is no reason for you to continue allowing her to ruin both her own plus yours. It is not too late to teach her how to treat you.
It sounds like you're severely depressed now and need to speak to a Professional about it and get on some medicine to help you see the forest thru the trees. You cant stop calling a woman whose verbally abusing you and leaving you in an unhealthy place, and sacrificing your wellbeing for a futile reason. Find out why you've been pursuing this for so long. To hear "I love you great daughter"? Your mother will likely and happily go to her grave w/o uttering those words even if you moved with her into the palace of Versailles. She enjoys misery so much, and inflicting it on you so much, she meets it half way.
I disagree with Alva in that you do not have to "turn your back on your culture",,,just on the manipulative tactics and chronic misery tactics mother uses on you for NO GOOD REASON. She lives with her son, she's fine. My mother was old world too and I dismissed her games for the FOG tactics they were. Each human being is entitled to a life of their own.
Figure out how to live YOUR life in good health w/o "guilt" now and for the rest of your life.
All my efforts with therapists are going to waste as soon as I speak to her
🙏
If Mom calls 5 times a day, let one call go to voicemail, and talk to her only 4 times. Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” from 6-9 am, for example. Do not listen to any voice mails she leaves.
Taper that down to only talking to her once a day. Feel what that feels like. It will prob feel like you’re a bit more sane.
Then, pick another area. Taper that down.
Keep a list of each change, as you make them. Put the record of your Moves towards sanity into a pretty notebook, or journal. Enjoy re-reading the steps you’ve taken.
Map out the changes you’d like to see on maybe the 1st of every month, or the first day of each week.
Keep making small changes until you feel like you’re the kind of sane person you’d like to be.
Little changes will add up. I promise!
Good luck!
"I just CAN NOT break free. I NEED fixing."
Let me offer a different perspective here: You are NOT broken and do not need fixing.
I read somewhere once that you can't hate yourself into change or improvement. In my own experience, this is true. We all know our faults, so no need to keep reminding ourselves. When you decide you're worthy of a happy life, that you are no one's verbal punching bag, that's when good stuff happens. Try loving yourself into freedom!
You're not broken; you've just made some bad decisions (as we all do) and didn't mean for it to get this bad. You know what to do. Reduce the calls and definitely reduce your visits. Yes, it'll feel weird at first. If you need to give her an excuse, tell her that it's too expensive to fly there as often as you have before. Or your doctor has said you aren't able to travel a long distance with your current medical issues. She'll gripe of course and compare your pain to hers, but that's on her. You know it is not possible to make her happy, so no point in trying anymore. You can't really help her. You can't get her to see how toxic she is. You cannot get her to love you in the way you deserve. It's sad because you deserve the love, but it's just one of those sad things we can't do much about. It's on her, not you.
You've absorbed her moods, if that makes sense. You don't know who you are because you've been wrapped up in your mother's web since birth. When you accept you are awesome and mom is a separate entity from you, things fall into place. What do YOU enjoy? What do YOU like? Your mother is needy, bitter, mean, manipulative, and treats people like dirt. That is HER. Not YOU! Why absorb her toxic emotions? They aren't yours to take in.
Maybe you're hoping she'll thank you one day, or show gratitude, or love you as her daughter. I think you know this isn't going to happen, even on her deathbed. It's hard to imagine how someone can be so negative, manipulating, and unloving. Again, this is hard to accept. It's not your fault. Nothing will change until YOU change it.
I read it few times .
It actually made me cry for me as a person and I HATE feeling sorry for myself but you are so right .
I have yearned for her approval and love ALL my life and I am not and will not get any .
She has actually said that when on her deathbed, she hopes to be aware enough to see my guilt and regret for not sacrificing my life for her.
I have actually been told that I can not fly due to a boold clot but she doesn't believe me and so be it.
🙏
I am so looking forward to start living and be alive .
I have taken everybody's words and very grateful for you all. Really I am .
@Alvadeer encouraging words that I have a lot of living yo do yet .
@Burntcargiver ...i needed that frank talking to 🙏
I am very hopeful and going to work at this 🤞 🙏 I am looking forward to come out of this dark wound up tunnel
Do not leave therapy when it gets uncomfortable; that's my best advice. I have three times in my life been to therapy. When it gets confusing and uncomfortable and challenging just tell yourself "THIS HURTS, and that means it's starting to hit me". or "I feel shaken; that's why I am here, to shake me up."
GOOD LUCK!!!!!
If you don't see a therapist maybe you should. Your not the problem, Mom is. She puts too many demands on children who have families and lives of their own to live. I bet you wish she would pass. Do not feel guilty about that. Its a natural feeling when someone drains you like this. You know you can block her calls. That way u don't even know she calls. Call her once a day at a certain time. Maybe once a week at a certain time. Its OK to firmly tell her, your not listening to anymore of her griping. Ask her "what would make u happy Mom?" She will probably say "My children here caring for me" You "Well Mom that will never happen. Because when I married my husband and then had a family, they became my priority. Thats how it works!" You set the boundaries and stick to them.
My MIL chose to move 15 hrs away in Fla. Three years later my FIL passed from lung cancer. It started with MIL asking my DH to move near her in Fla. "Oh, there are lots of jobs down here" My husband did not say yes or no, thats the way he dealt with his Mom. Then he retired and it was "there are houses for sale, now u can move down" Then she got me on the phone one day. She said "You need to move down here" me "E that will never happen. I have my Mom, my girls and grandson" E "Mom can come too" Me "I would not take her from her home, Church and friends. Mom has a life here." You know what MIL said "we all need to compromise" and I thought "and your not one of them". She never brought the subject up again. And not long after that call, I was caring for Mom who had Dementia. I was the only child who lived locally so it all fell on me.
You want to get fixed....try a few steps. Don't take multiple phone calls. There is no reason for that. One call a day...and even that is too much. Start spreading your visits out and make them shorter. End phone calls when she gets nasty. Trust me the world will not end if you do.
Your mother doesn't care about your happiness so why do you care so much about hers? She is incapable of being happy. That doesn't mean you have to get dragged down too.
If you aren't willing to make changes then you can't come here and complain that she won't change. Because she won't, you have to.
Nothing you do is going to change who she is. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. Now she is making everyone else miserable as well. You and your brother need to stop catering to her. You have your own lives, families, marriages.
I know nothing about what you are facing culturally , or what resources are available for your mother where she lives to meet her needs. Her needs are not the same as her wants.
You tell your mother that you are not well , without giving details, and that "you will not be visiting for an undetermined amount of time". You need to take care of you first.
You need to see your doctor about your apparent depression and get therapy.
I had a mother like yours. I lived close by and spent way to much time with her out of guilt trying to make her happy and let her occupy my thoughts every second as well. When she died, I became very depressed and angry at her for being abusive and I was angry at myself for letting her be so controlling.
Stop letting your mother manipulate you. She keeps you feeling trapped by her crying on the phone. Start off by limiting the phone calls. When she starts in , you tell her you have to take care of your own affairs .
Find excuses to get off the phone. "I have to run , I have an appt". " I have to go mother, you are seriously being unreasonable". She won't like it . But she is always miserable anyway. Do not share details of your life at all. Set boundaries.
This really hit home " her needs are not the same as her wants " so true .
I am angry at myself already that she occupies every second of my thoughts to the point that I forget about my own family .
I am married to a British man and been in UK for 45 years .
If I don't answer my phone she calls my husband or my sons and plays the victim.
1) Are ALL the old women like that in your original culture? If they aren’t, then your Mother is making that choice because she enjoys it. Power!!!
2) Did you do these trips every 3 or 4 months during Covid? When flying was so difficult? If you didn’t go then, there is no reason why you MUST go now. She survived, and you didn’t die of guilt either.
3) Have you talked to your brother about this? He must be fed up, too. Perhaps you both should go to counseling together?
4) Have you checked out care facilities where she lives? You need to give her some choices, besides ruining your life.
Personally, after reading your post, I’d feel like taking a little packet of cyanide with me on the next trip. That may be a bit extreme, but you SHOULD NOT be going along with this appalling behavior.
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- YES I did manage to go during COVID....in two years I went every 4 months. I tried several flights to get there She never appreciated the effort.
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- my poor brother is suffering from mental health because of her behaviour. He is torn between his wife and son and My mum. He stays for 6 weeks with my mum and goes to see his family for 2 weeks but two days after he is gone my mum is on the phone demanding to come back because she says she is dying .
-She refuses help and says has to be only me or my brother . She can be very rude to people
I feel she is attached to my skin and feeding of me