I have written here a few times, but I really need to off load and speak to you friends that are in similar situations.
@lealonnie said once in one of her replies " why would you let your mother's misery be the focus of your life.
I don't know how to handle this. I feel a little piece of me dies whenever I speak to her which is several times a day.
I just CAN NOT break free. I NEED fixing.
I live in another country with my husband, and I have two grown up married sons.
I visit my mum every 3/4 months and stay for 3/4 weeks. The trip itself to the middle east is very tiring for me now and while I am there it is very miserable and controlling and abusive language.
But I do so much for her from here and while I am there. I send money when she says my hearing aid cost so much then I help etc.
Recently I ended up in hospital with sever musculoskeletal neck and spine pain. I am sure the stress of getting involved with my mum's complaining, crying, etc. had something to do with it. My brother has devoted his life to stay with her and he gets NO thanks but only abusive belittling and criticism and daily arguments, but he soldiers on. He goes away every 6 weeks to see his son and wife for 2/3 weeks.
Oh my god. The minute that door is shut I get all the nasty phone calls, cries that my children have abandoned me, I need one of you here all the time, I will die, and you won't see me, you should come so I am not alone.
The thing is that there are her neighbors who are nice and pop in every day and do her shopping.
She is an able person but she is scared of falling so she won't leave the apartment (which I understand) but she is nasty to people who help her and then she regrets it and doesn't have the face to ask them for favor. She says she just wants either me or my brother there.
Her constant crying rips my heart out but to be honest I mentally don't feel well enough to go yet and it's not even 10 weeks that I have been there.
She doesn't want me to be happy at all. I honestly don't think she cares about me either.
I can't even tell her I am visiting my son for a pizza and all I get is " oh lucky you that you are having a good time " I don't tell her anything.
Couldn’t even tell her about my son's wedding day because she would have made me so miserable (she had already done that for my eldest son's wedding).
Yet she has this hold on me.
I feel SO guilty that is so profound that I almost don't want to exist.
Why is it like this?
I am 63 years old. I am not getting any younger and feel I am trapped in this guilt and shame and sadness.
Is it me? Am I wrong?
I am mentally exhausted every day.
She is in my thoughts every second of the day.
Thanks for listening. 😊
You said that when you didn’t take M’s calls, she phoned your husband and children. Your children should block her number. She can write a letter to them if she wants. Husband needs to take stronger measures.
Many older cultures are still dealing with ‘men in control’. While I would rarely suggest this in a marriage, chances are that it’s still there for your mother. DH needs to put his foot down. This is damaging his wife, his marriage and his family. He should ‘order’ you to block her number (and the number of the nosy neighbor). He needs to tell M that you will not take her calls for a period of three months, she should phone him. If the calls are not pleasant, he says he will put the phone down. He is doing this because her behavior is indeed ‘damaging you, the marriage and his children’. He is the boss. And he will suffer much less by being the one to be blamed.
Three months gives you time to get some counselling, and to work out what ‘rules’ you could make for the time after that. If you can’t manage that, the three months gets extended.
This leaves your brother, whose situation seems even more dire. How is he earning a living? My first reaction was that he may be running a business from the middle east (it’s the way nasty things are done for illegal imports to Australia where I am, I’m well aware). If you think it is all on the level, perhaps getting together with HIS family might be further support, or at least cut off some of M’s opportunities to be unpleasant.
Stay Strong! Stay Sane! (or at least Saner!)
I am so looking forward to start living and be alive .
I have taken everybody's words and very grateful for you all. Really I am .
@Alvadeer encouraging words that I have a lot of living yo do yet .
@Burntcargiver ...i needed that frank talking to 🙏
I am very hopeful and going to work at this 🤞 🙏 I am looking forward to come out of this dark wound up tunnel
Do not leave therapy when it gets uncomfortable; that's my best advice. I have three times in my life been to therapy. When it gets confusing and uncomfortable and challenging just tell yourself "THIS HURTS, and that means it's starting to hit me". or "I feel shaken; that's why I am here, to shake me up."
GOOD LUCK!!!!!
You cause it
You refuse to fix it.
"I just CAN NOT break free. I NEED fixing."
Let me offer a different perspective here: You are NOT broken and do not need fixing.
I read somewhere once that you can't hate yourself into change or improvement. In my own experience, this is true. We all know our faults, so no need to keep reminding ourselves. When you decide you're worthy of a happy life, that you are no one's verbal punching bag, that's when good stuff happens. Try loving yourself into freedom!
You're not broken; you've just made some bad decisions (as we all do) and didn't mean for it to get this bad. You know what to do. Reduce the calls and definitely reduce your visits. Yes, it'll feel weird at first. If you need to give her an excuse, tell her that it's too expensive to fly there as often as you have before. Or your doctor has said you aren't able to travel a long distance with your current medical issues. She'll gripe of course and compare your pain to hers, but that's on her. You know it is not possible to make her happy, so no point in trying anymore. You can't really help her. You can't get her to see how toxic she is. You cannot get her to love you in the way you deserve. It's sad because you deserve the love, but it's just one of those sad things we can't do much about. It's on her, not you.
You've absorbed her moods, if that makes sense. You don't know who you are because you've been wrapped up in your mother's web since birth. When you accept you are awesome and mom is a separate entity from you, things fall into place. What do YOU enjoy? What do YOU like? Your mother is needy, bitter, mean, manipulative, and treats people like dirt. That is HER. Not YOU! Why absorb her toxic emotions? They aren't yours to take in.
Maybe you're hoping she'll thank you one day, or show gratitude, or love you as her daughter. I think you know this isn't going to happen, even on her deathbed. It's hard to imagine how someone can be so negative, manipulating, and unloving. Again, this is hard to accept. It's not your fault. Nothing will change until YOU change it.
I read it few times .
It actually made me cry for me as a person and I HATE feeling sorry for myself but you are so right .
I have yearned for her approval and love ALL my life and I am not and will not get any .
She has actually said that when on her deathbed, she hopes to be aware enough to see my guilt and regret for not sacrificing my life for her.
I have actually been told that I can not fly due to a boold clot but she doesn't believe me and so be it.
🙏
I'm going to speak to you as your husband and grown children should have done a long time ago. Now it might sound a bit harsh, but it's for your own good.
Your husband and grown kids should put their damn foot down with you and your nonsense because they'd be doing you a real favor.
You're addicted to your mother's misery. It's your heroin and every part of your life is lived around getting your fix of it from mother.
You couldn't even tell her (in another country) about your son's wedding. Boo-hoo. I'm getting remarried (one town over from my mother) and can't tell her or have her there because she will ruin it for everyone. I will not let her ruin it for me, my husband, our son or anyone else coming.
I've had two back surgeries, rotor-cuff surgery, and a hip replacement. I'm 50 years old. All those years of caregiving gave me problems. I'm in pain 24/7 my friend. Yet I work usually six days a week. Yet I still enjoy my life though. I don't spend my days moaning, complaining, and coming up with reasons to be miserable. You should try it.
You ask if you are "wrong". Yes, you absolutely, emphatically are.
You aren't a caregiver. You aren't responsible for your mother because you do her care. The only way she can "get" to you is if you take her calls from another country or you go there. So maybe don't take so many calls and don't go there so much. You have made her long-distance negativity an obsession. Your self-pity and martyrdom over it comes before your family, your health, and everything else.
You need help. Find a mental health provider who will help you recover from your misery addiction before it destroys more than just your life. It will destroy your family too if it hasn't already.
Well, guess THAT didn't work.
That the OP is calling the parent and CHOOSING this being a continent away is somewhat disturbing.
I went down responses in this thread after reading your response, Burnt.
Therapy (which was my suggestion) was tried and failed apparently? More than once?
Then we need to look at what this may actually be.
CHOICE.
Being a victim brings few rewards, but it does bring some. Sympathy, especially. And quickly enough we are down to the sympathy of strangers, because family and friends tire of us very quickly.
So it comes to "choice". And whether our choices for our lives are right for us, give us what we want.
Realistically this may be lonelyplanet's choice. Ridiculous as it may seem to others, this could be a routine of happiness for her. The story I always tell of the old mill horse that was finally retired, but continued to walk the same well worn circle round a tree, as though pulling the mill wheel until it died. Marguerite Henry called her story about this old mill horse The Routine of Happiness.
"@lealonnie said once in one of her replies " why would you let your mother's misery be the focus of your life.
I don't know how to handle this. I feel a little piece of me dies whenever I speak to her which is several times a day.
I just CAN NOT break free. I NEED fixing."
As you might note, I haven't mentioned Momma much here. She's had her life. This isn't about her. It's about YOU. And only YOU can choose to change it, starting with how many times you call mom, thereby sticking a quarter in the "negativity feed".
I think that given you already fully UNDERSTAND rationally all there IS to understand in your situation you will know that a Forum full of strangers from around the world may be able to sympathize, but there's no way we can "fix" this.
I think that therapy is your best chance at some recovery, and it will take hard work and determination to change. Our habits are formed early and we stick to them. There is honestly nothing more scary than change. Often, while we recognize that our lives "aren't working", there is only one thought that is more frightening--that thought is changing ourselves.
I recommend a really GOOD cognitive therapist. Not one who listens and sympathizes and collects 250.00 an hour for doing so (likely underpaid at that) but one who truly shakes you up, makes you mad at her/him, makes you THINK, sets you down another path less traveled.
As to your age? You are, of course, to ME, YOUNG. You are my daughter's age. You have a lot of years to get to MY age. I would like those years to be productive and content, because imho this is your one go-around.
Expecting that there is some magical fix-it answer out here (Your "I need fixing") is stopping you from a realistic evaluation of your situation. Reality isn't about "feelings". It is about our choices, even our choices in the way we think. Feelings are often mere habits formed when we were young. Most of us automatically shed "what we were taught" (for better or worse) as we grow feathers to leave the nest. Some of us don't. And without that growing of feathers we never leave the nest. We are stuck as baby birds, mouths open in need.
I wish you the best. We can sympathize. We can't fix. Only YOU can fix, and it's hard work! But you will be so proud once you begin that work, that you won't care WHAT mommy has to say about "Pizza night".
As to that pizza night? I wish you many more!
I was needing a hug and I felt I was hugged by you all.
Your replies made me feel safe and sane. I felt there are people I can talk to and they understand me .
I don't know what I would have done without this Forum Chat . It literally saved my life.
I Do need therapy as my mum had taken a permanent residence in my brain and she is eating it away bit by bit every day and the same happening to my brother.
My poor brother has only been away a week to see his son and wife and she has called him several times a day and every day there is something wrong with her.
We tried to get her in house help with someone we know and like just to be her company because my mum can do everything herself.
But she went mad and said NO she only wants me or my brother and then pulled an amazing stunt by phoning the neighbour who pops in everyday and cried for an hour and told her that she is dying and her children have abandoned her and that she should phone my brother and tell her to drive the 5 hours immediately in 40 degrees heat to come and see her and if my daughter or my son dont come then I will commit suicide.
Well you can imagine what that poor neighbour was thinking about us.( That we are bad people ).
My brother is unwell as well with all this and gets a telling off from his son and wife .
I felt I HATED her for what she is doing to both of us and for the miserable years we have endured even when she wasn't too old.
Mental abuse .
I put my phone off so she called my husband then my son.
She is Relentless...
I am also scared of the void I will be feeling along with Grief and sadness and guilt when she is gone
I am looking for a good therapist to help me deal with this co-dependency that I have been programmed into.
Thank the part of you that feels it must fix the situation. But then gently and compassionately tell that part that it has done enough and can rest. That you need rest to heal. And that despite what that part thinks, your worrying more and trying ever harder will only hurt you and not help your mom.
Tell the moth it needs to leave the flame.
I hope you find some measure of peace and self compassion.
1) Are ALL the old women like that in your original culture? If they aren’t, then your Mother is making that choice because she enjoys it. Power!!!
2) Did you do these trips every 3 or 4 months during Covid? When flying was so difficult? If you didn’t go then, there is no reason why you MUST go now. She survived, and you didn’t die of guilt either.
3) Have you talked to your brother about this? He must be fed up, too. Perhaps you both should go to counseling together?
4) Have you checked out care facilities where she lives? You need to give her some choices, besides ruining your life.
Personally, after reading your post, I’d feel like taking a little packet of cyanide with me on the next trip. That may be a bit extreme, but you SHOULD NOT be going along with this appalling behavior.
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- YES I did manage to go during COVID....in two years I went every 4 months. I tried several flights to get there She never appreciated the effort.
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- my poor brother is suffering from mental health because of her behaviour. He is torn between his wife and son and My mum. He stays for 6 weeks with my mum and goes to see his family for 2 weeks but two days after he is gone my mum is on the phone demanding to come back because she says she is dying .
-She refuses help and says has to be only me or my brother . She can be very rude to people
I feel she is attached to my skin and feeding of me
I agree that you must take steps now to protect yourself from your mother's abuse. The first step is minimizing your communication with mother as much as possible. It sounds like you are literally being shelled by her constant verbal bombardments- this has to stop. You need time to recover from this and you need to take control. You are entitled to do so.
I agree with all the others on the forum who suggest therapy and other means to emotionally heal from years of abuse. Let's call it what it is - ABUSE.
And what about the idea that you and brother hire someone (a caregiver) to live with mother in her home 24/7 so you won't worry about her. It must be horribly expensive (not to mention exhausting and unpleasant) to constantly travel back and forth to care for your mother, so you and brother will be saving that expense. It would be money well spent.
You are exhausted and beaten down by mother. Once you begin minimizing your communication with her you will slowly regain your own well being. Add in professional therapy to undo the years of abuse you have endured.
Start dreaming about what your life would look like when you seperate your life from your mother's.
Get going on all this and please rely on this forum for continued support.
Sincerely,
Lost
Last night my brother & I suggestef to her about a person who we know to come and stay with her when she is alone and she started crying so loud saying her children have abandoned her and handing her over to other people and she doesn't want anyone else and only wants her me and my brother to stay with her .
She then called her neighbour ( who pops in everyday ) and told her the same .
I got a call at night from this neighbour saying your mother is very upset and she wants her kids to be with her she then called my poor brother who has only been away to see his son for a week and told him to come back .
This made me very angry and resentful .
My brother is 60 years old and doesn't have good health . I am 63 with physical and mental health issues .
She won't take antidepressants and only takes Clonazepam and has done for over 45 years .
I consider myself a very strong and will powered person having raised two boys as a single mum but when it comes to my mum I seem to just lose it .
Nothing you do is going to change who she is. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. Now she is making everyone else miserable as well. You and your brother need to stop catering to her. You have your own lives, families, marriages.
I know nothing about what you are facing culturally , or what resources are available for your mother where she lives to meet her needs. Her needs are not the same as her wants.
You tell your mother that you are not well , without giving details, and that "you will not be visiting for an undetermined amount of time". You need to take care of you first.
You need to see your doctor about your apparent depression and get therapy.
I had a mother like yours. I lived close by and spent way to much time with her out of guilt trying to make her happy and let her occupy my thoughts every second as well. When she died, I became very depressed and angry at her for being abusive and I was angry at myself for letting her be so controlling.
Stop letting your mother manipulate you. She keeps you feeling trapped by her crying on the phone. Start off by limiting the phone calls. When she starts in , you tell her you have to take care of your own affairs .
Find excuses to get off the phone. "I have to run , I have an appt". " I have to go mother, you are seriously being unreasonable". She won't like it . But she is always miserable anyway. Do not share details of your life at all. Set boundaries.
This really hit home " her needs are not the same as her wants " so true .
I am angry at myself already that she occupies every second of my thoughts to the point that I forget about my own family .
I am married to a British man and been in UK for 45 years .
If I don't answer my phone she calls my husband or my sons and plays the victim.
By the end of my mother's life I realized I could never stand her because she was so miserable and mean to her loved ones but I kept showing up. I flew back to the East Coast from San Francisco for month long stints six times a year. I did this for my sister so she could continue to have a marriage and enjoy her grandchildren and also for me so I could look myself in the mirror and know I did the right thing after she was gone.
I hope you get the help you need.
I sometimes feel that I can not stand it and her behaviour anymore but like you I keep showing up and also to support my brother and for myself .
I think Guilt and shame is a prison sentence in life which I don't want to carry .❤️
You want to get fixed....try a few steps. Don't take multiple phone calls. There is no reason for that. One call a day...and even that is too much. Start spreading your visits out and make them shorter. End phone calls when she gets nasty. Trust me the world will not end if you do.
Your mother doesn't care about your happiness so why do you care so much about hers? She is incapable of being happy. That doesn't mean you have to get dragged down too.
If you aren't willing to make changes then you can't come here and complain that she won't change. Because she won't, you have to.
I'll add a few thoughts.
to your question "AM I wrong?". no you are not wrong to think all these things and have these feelings. on the other hand, to solve it, Daughterof1930 is spot on in that, your mother wont change her personality now. To improve your feelings and state of being, you have to do something to yourself. Your thought patterns, your actions, your responses to things. . It wont magically / spontaneously fix. But yes, the change is not easy.
I have been thinking about these topics. WE have discussed F. O. G. quite a bit on the forum. This is based on well known advice on dealing with narcissists, dealing with our own Fear , Obligation and Guilt. I was reading a book lately that adds a 4th element in, that is even worse than thinking we have, or feeling Guilt, and that is SHame. Feeling shame is even worse to be stuck in. So now I think of it as F.O.G.S. we need to tackle all four. There shoudl be no shame at all.
Also- lately I think if what you and I have been feeling towards such parents as "inner conflict " within ourselves. Rationally and logically we know that we should not put up with the nonsense. But ingrained is us through life is the deep feeling of duty and obligation to the parents. We feel that by setting boundaries and stepping away, we are shirking our duty and obligation somehow. So we still take the calls. We still do the visits. As you are mentioning. I understand what you are saying, its not easy. I think cxmoody has good advice. Take it in baby steps. increase boundaries slowly. Then one year, you just skip your scheduled trip overseas completely. Maybe this is the year? It seems you are dreading the trip.....
As I'm trying to think about it lately. and others have posted repeatedly: it is as if you as an adult child until even recently were treated badly by the parent who treats you as if you are still a 3 year old child who needs to obey them. What you need to do is, as quickly as you can, flip the script 180 degrees. Now you are the parent and Mom is really like a 3 year old child acting out, and you want to treat her as if she is a 3 year old child of yours. And, actually, when they realize they have to respond to this versus lose you completely, they might start to fall in line.....
even if they dont fall in line (some 3 year olds dont seem to learn) at least you have your frame of mind set, and know how you will respond to the tantrums and nonsense. make sense? this is how I'm trying to think of these things.
Frankly, I don’t believe it’s a cultural thing. I’m Canadian, of British descent, and my mother heaped it out too. She now has advanced dementia and very rarely recognizes me, but is still complaining to anyone who will listen about how I married and had kids when I should have devoted my life to her, how she’s never visited my home in spite of living here for over 15 years, everyone picked on her... she has always looked for trouble and found it, exaggerating everything to make her a martyr or victim. She tried to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to be with her 24/7. She told me I had no right to be happy unless she was.
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. You were groomed to believe that but it is not true.
Nothing you do will ever ever be enough for her. You cannot change that.
Would you ever say to your sons “Leave your marriage and career and home to be by my side forever or I will die!”? No? Would you tell them that your mother makes you miserable and they’re responsible for your happiness so they must deal with her misery? Sounds crazy, right? Who would say such a thing to their children? But you have been groomed to believe that is your role. It is not!
I am ahead of you, having recognized that the guilt and shame that have weighed so heavily on me my entire life (I’m about your age) were instilled to manipulate me. And so I am well on my way to shedding them.
Unfortunately I am now dealing with tremendous anger at having given up many things to try and satisfy her unquenchable thirst for more, more, more.
But my anger is fading to pity for her and her misery. Imagine thinking manipulation and enmeshment is the way to maintain a relationship with your child. Pathetic!
Grey rock your mother for 24 hours. Does she die? If not, try 3 days. Baby steps. Then a week. Or distance yourself further. Your life has value and there is no reason for you to continue allowing her to ruin both her own plus yours. It is not too late to teach her how to treat you.
If Mom calls 5 times a day, let one call go to voicemail, and talk to her only 4 times. Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” from 6-9 am, for example. Do not listen to any voice mails she leaves.
Taper that down to only talking to her once a day. Feel what that feels like. It will prob feel like you’re a bit more sane.
Then, pick another area. Taper that down.
Keep a list of each change, as you make them. Put the record of your Moves towards sanity into a pretty notebook, or journal. Enjoy re-reading the steps you’ve taken.
Map out the changes you’d like to see on maybe the 1st of every month, or the first day of each week.
Keep making small changes until you feel like you’re the kind of sane person you’d like to be.
Little changes will add up. I promise!
Good luck!
Use the right word because words matter. You are feeling GRIEF. For her and for yourself. Not guilt.
She will be gone soon enough.
If you don't see a therapist maybe you should. Your not the problem, Mom is. She puts too many demands on children who have families and lives of their own to live. I bet you wish she would pass. Do not feel guilty about that. Its a natural feeling when someone drains you like this. You know you can block her calls. That way u don't even know she calls. Call her once a day at a certain time. Maybe once a week at a certain time. Its OK to firmly tell her, your not listening to anymore of her griping. Ask her "what would make u happy Mom?" She will probably say "My children here caring for me" You "Well Mom that will never happen. Because when I married my husband and then had a family, they became my priority. Thats how it works!" You set the boundaries and stick to them.
My MIL chose to move 15 hrs away in Fla. Three years later my FIL passed from lung cancer. It started with MIL asking my DH to move near her in Fla. "Oh, there are lots of jobs down here" My husband did not say yes or no, thats the way he dealt with his Mom. Then he retired and it was "there are houses for sale, now u can move down" Then she got me on the phone one day. She said "You need to move down here" me "E that will never happen. I have my Mom, my girls and grandson" E "Mom can come too" Me "I would not take her from her home, Church and friends. Mom has a life here." You know what MIL said "we all need to compromise" and I thought "and your not one of them". She never brought the subject up again. And not long after that call, I was caring for Mom who had Dementia. I was the only child who lived locally so it all fell on me.
It sounds like you're severely depressed now and need to speak to a Professional about it and get on some medicine to help you see the forest thru the trees. You cant stop calling a woman whose verbally abusing you and leaving you in an unhealthy place, and sacrificing your wellbeing for a futile reason. Find out why you've been pursuing this for so long. To hear "I love you great daughter"? Your mother will likely and happily go to her grave w/o uttering those words even if you moved with her into the palace of Versailles. She enjoys misery so much, and inflicting it on you so much, she meets it half way.
I disagree with Alva in that you do not have to "turn your back on your culture",,,just on the manipulative tactics and chronic misery tactics mother uses on you for NO GOOD REASON. She lives with her son, she's fine. My mother was old world too and I dismissed her games for the FOG tactics they were. Each human being is entitled to a life of their own.
Figure out how to live YOUR life in good health w/o "guilt" now and for the rest of your life.
All my efforts with therapists are going to waste as soon as I speak to her
🙏
If you cannot break free of the culture itself, I don't believe you can break free of this difficult situation.
I don't know if your husband is of this country or if you married an American and that's why you are here. If your husband is OF this culture and remains as ensconced in it as you are, to be honest I see no hope for you. You would simply fall into that middle generation where you cannot move away from your culture and its dictates into a new way of living. I don't know what country you are in, but when I say that we should not "sacrifice ourselves on the burning funeral pyres of our parents (and it is now a slow burn)" I am speaking in a figurative sense here. But in INdia it was until very recently a LITERAL sense, and a MIL unhappy with her son's new bridge was allowed to set her afire as well.
I will bring you this comfort. This will not be the way of life for YOUR children. The third generation always becomes "American" in our country, and will have none of this.
As I said, if this is your culture and you adhere to it, there is little hope I can see.
If you are of another culture, married to an American, and wish to BECOME Amercian, then join us in the American way of life by seeking therapy. I recommend a GOOD licensed social worker doing therapy in private practice (concentrating on culture and life transitions) or a good cognitive therapy who can shake you up enough to set you on another path.
You will have to help yourself.
There's no other way.
To think there is a magical answer is to be part of magical thinking. Meaning FANTASY. Not true life.
I wish you luck. Sadly, many in your generation/the between worlds, don't change their lives and their ways. They do not have the strength to turn their backs on their cultures. For them there can be no change. For you----well, you must decide. I can only wish you very good luck.
Even in my culture my aunt's and uncles say this behaviour is not accepted .
I DO need therapy 🙏
You want nothing more in life than to take away your moms emotional and physical pain but you can't. No one really can. Because no one did this to your mom. Aging sucks! It's horrible and unfair. But you didn't make your mom old. There is nothing you did so there no reason for guilt. And you are doing everything you can do so nothing to feel guilty about.
I understand the constant mental worry, it's not good for you or for your family's. I was there , I've been there . Though help from here and other avenues I've been able to live my life enjoy it and keep my mom in the background.
You are 63 I am 60 , ya know life is short , as you see with your mom.we must enjoy it while we have it. You never know when it's going to be gone. You have to breath , medita, get therapy, learn to enjoy your life in spite of having an aging mom.
As for the neck ache, your not alone there either, mine kills me on the days I go to moms.
Best of luck. I'm gonna read what others say and probably chime in later
(I think it's greif and sadness over your moms declining health, disguised as guilt.
You want nothing more in life than to take away your moms emotional and physical pain but you can't. No one really can. Because no one did this to your mom. Aging sucks! It's horrible and unfair. )
Thank you 🙏 💔