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My dad had 4 strokes recently, 1 in the front of his brain in April. He was in the hospital April through the beginning of July than they put him in a nursing home for physical therapy. I've been going back and forth with his girlfriend because he's staying out of town. Now its August and just yesterday I'm finding out his girlfriend had to call the police and ambulance to the nursing home because his feeding tube  was infected in additoin to a UTI. The hospital says he's declining, so they are putting him in hospice at her house. Please can someone answer or ask something that can lead to an answer? I've been trying to have him moved back in with me but no luck so far.

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I'm sorry about your fathers condition, how lucky he is to have both you and a wonderful woman who cares for him. It's not easy to care for someone you love near end of life. It sounds like it was more convenient to have your father brought there,what's wrong with that? She went as far as calling the police to have him get the care he needed, (must not have POA/ medical authority?) that's devotion! How did she find out about the feeding tube and infection? I'd be outrageously pissed off and calling the police for help too and looking into who's responsible for the condition of his health at the facility (later). I'm sure she can make room for you too and the both of you can help each other through this process. Worrying about where he is being cared for isn't as important as who's there for him in his final days.
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Reply to JuliaH
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it's horribly hard for all of you.

Please remember you emotions are on high right now and your thinking with your emotions.

From everything you have said, it sounds like your dad's gf is doing the right thing.

Please don't resent her for something she has no power to control, which is your dad is dieing, so please go and be with your dad and you and the gf support each other. I'm sure you both need the support.

Don't work against each other on your dad's last time here .

Prayers and thoughts to you.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Help his girlfriend. You can’t take care of him at home. Shop for them, run errands, cook, do housework. Take care of pets. Fix things around her house. Wash her car and keep gas in it. That’s the kind of help I wanted when I was taking care of my parents and now as I care for my husband.

You can challenge the girlfriend, complain to your dad, and in general be a PITA. But for what? Be their angel instead. That’s your best role at present.
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Reply to Fawnby
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funkygrandma59 Aug 15, 2024
Perfect answer Fawnby.
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I think the GF needs to be commended for calling the ambulance to get Dad help. Family sometimes feel that the Rehab staff have all the control. They don't, you as a patient or family have the ability to call an ambulance if think something is wrong and the Rehab/NH will not send the patient out,

Hospice is 24/7 care if done in a home and family is responsible to do that care or hire someone. A Hospice nurse comes out about once a week, more near the end. An aide 2 or 3x a week to bathe the patient. His GF will do the majority of care. Did he live with the GF? If so, he may be more comfortable in the home they shared. Maybe you can compromise. You go over every day and give her a break. Maybe spend the night so she can get a good nights sleep. Help her.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Are you POA for your father, or is his girlfriend his POA?
Have they been living together for some time?
Have to spoken to the girlfriend?
It sounds as though your father is in steep decline now. If he has sepsis he may be dying quickly as the organs shut down one at a time. You do not give us his age, but it sounds as though this decline has been steady since his strokes.

It is important now that your father have peace during the time he dies.
His girlfriend is willing to have him in Hospice care in their home, it sounds like.
I will be honest to tell you that from the little you tell us your father will not be with you for long now, and if it is at all possible I feel your should travel to be with him in his last time.
That's my best guess from the little you are able to convey to us.
I am so sorry, and I wish a peaceful passing for your Dad with good drugs to keep him comfortable.

You Dad is currently with the woman he chose to spend his last years with. I hope you two can be a support to one another during this sad time. I do not think your father would survive a move such as you suggest.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Since he has a feeding tube now Hospice will provide care for the tube, any infection that is there now and if any other problems arise.
Now to the "nitty gritty"
Who is POA for your dad? Who does he have listed as to who the medical staff can call to authorize treatment? If it is his girlfriend or if dad can convey his wishes to be released to and cared for by his girlfriend then that is what they will do.
I hope you both are fully aware of how much care that there will be to care for your dad.
And I have to ask...where would your dad feel most comfortable? If he and GF have been living together that is his home. Even if they have no t been living together if he has spent a lot of time with her then that is where he will be at ease.
I understand that you want to care for dad.
At this time you can do what you can to make this time as pleasant and stress free for everyone.
Your dads GF will need a lot of help. And if she is like I was with my Husband letting someone else come in and care for him is not going to be easy. So she may resist getting "outside" caregivers, or "strangers". The best thing you can do is help her as much as possible when you can. Go and stay a few days so she can get a break.
If you have all had a great relationship that is a blessing for all of you. If things have been a bit "tense" it might be time to let that all go.
What ever decisions you make make them with your dad's wishes and best interest at heart even if that means you don't get exactly what you want.
((hugs))
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Your post is a tad confusing to follow, but what I can gather is that your dad has had multiple strokes and is now perhaps dying, and is being brought to his girlfriends house to do so, instead of to your house that you had hoped. Is that correct?
In all reality with a feeding tube and in the condition he is in, he needs to just stay in the nursing facility, or moved to a hospice home where he can receive the care he requires and he can die as comfortable and pain free as possible.
I'm sorry that you're losing your dad, but I know you don't want him to continue as he is.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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cover9339 Aug 15, 2024
Hospice is
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My mother had 3 strokes from clots, recovering most of her abilities from each, but still left with some damage. Then she had what I believe you’re describing, a hemorrhagic stroke, often called brain bleed. It was devastating and took away every physical ability. She had loads of therapy of every kind. She tried so hard, but no recovery ever came. Her care was far too demanding and difficult to accomplish in a home setting, so she lived in a nursing home. We were blessed that her care was good. I’m sure you’re beyond sad at this turn of events with your dad, it’s hard to see in anyone we love. If it’s time for hospice for your dad, try to look at it as him soon being released from a body and/or mind that doesn’t work anymore. He will be free from more strokes and their relentless damage. His care for now will overwhelm anyone in a home setting. Hospice does not provide round the clock care. Hold dad’s hand and let him know your love and care, that’s what matters now.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It's early morning, not sure what country you are in but in US most of us where sleeping. I get your upset but please don't post so many questions at once.

How old is your dad?
And what is your question exactly.

Does your dad's gf have power of attorney.

From what I'm reading from your post, your dad is very ill, I'm sorry, feeding tubes are horrible torcher for an elderly. Feeding tubes are the top of my list of what I don't want if I ever need one to keep me alive, Id rather die. And it sounds like your dad really needs hospice and needs to be out of pain.

So sorry 😞 🙏
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Multiple strokes lead to Vascular Dementia - His brain Bleeds very time there is a stroke so Brain Damage and cognitive decline . I am No expert . My Father recovered from His stroke with a Lot of Physical therapy and attention at Home . He still had Dementia But wasn't as bad as he was after the stroke .
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Reply to KNance72
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