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I have been living with my dad for 6 months. Things have gotten so much better since we started, but his hygiene is so gross.



OT and PT work with him but he lies. He has only brushed his teeth once in the last 6 months, which was yesterday. He NEVER washes his hands and will NOT clean himself after a BM. I have asked OT to work with him and he makes excuses... it is easier for my daughter to do it, I don't want to get "it" on me, and my daughter does such a good job, etc. Right now he is sitting in his urine-soaked pull-up as I type this. He is 100% not fazed by any of this. His house is model clean and I am trying to keep it up. He is just LAZY. No mental illness, no dementia, nothing... Trust and believe he can rattle off the PGA golf standings like it is the alphabet.


I am so grossed out...

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Please don't be sorry to vent.
Vent.
Then look at this with fresh eyes.
Vent more.
Get angry.
Take action!
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Anxietynacy Jun 28, 2024
Also venting your words down gives you some insight too.
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Something is very off with dad, even if he’s “always been this way” It’s simply not normal to be content to sit in your waste or clean yourself in any way. If you want to stick around for a demanding, rude man in hopes of a good inheritance or some other reason, hope it works out for you. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it
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funkygrandma59 Jun 28, 2024
Sorry, it won't let me leave this blank.
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Leave. This is abusive neediness.
(Thankyou Burnt for this term).
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This is more than “ Lazy “.

My money is on dementia .

My father in law stopped hygiene as well . But knew everything that was still going on in the world from watching the news because he was interested in the news . His memory was not effected until later .

Just because he knows the PGA golf standings doesn’t mean he doesn’t have dementia . If it’s something he’s really interested in , those things can stick in his memory .

Many assume that memory issues are always the first sign of dementia . That is because Alzheimers is the most comman type, like 80% I think .

But my mother and father in law had vascular dementia . Their memories weren’t bad , but they lacked reason. And ignoring hygiene but thinking they had done it was the first sign for them . Your father may actually think he does brush his teeth etc . My mother and father in law both sat a urine soaked depend unfazed by it , would insist they were dry .

They could carry on intelligent conversations , people thought they were sharp . But they would lie , confabulate , and make excuses and try to manipulate .

To answer your question about what to do …..
Place your father in a facility or he hires help , this will only get worse . Give notice that you can not do this anymore . Whether it’s dementia or , mental illness or laziness it doesn’t matter ….

Hearing Dad say “ I don’t want to get it on me and my daughter does such a good job “ would have me running for the hills .

As far as the will , no inheritance is guaranteed , it will either be eaten up paying for his care or he is so loony at some point he will cut you out of the will anyway for some perceived slight . Do you want to be stuck years caregiving for an absent father who is mean only to find out you weren’t an heir ? Because he didn’t tell you he changed the will so you would stay to take care of him ?

Gotta be honest , after 30 years of no father , no way would I have gotten involved in this . No matter how much money he has.

He’s mean and manipulative and says creepy things. If I was you if you have POA I would give it up and never look back .
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Fawnby Jun 27, 2024
Totally agree!
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You say he can afford it so it's time to move on and get hired help. An experienced nurse or CNA with no emotional attachment will soon get things in order and get him to shape up. You need to stop being his caregiver and just be his daughter.
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Edit: Didn't see the update that he was bed-ridden.

"It is easier for my daughter to do it."

Tell him it isn't easier and you need help taking care of him. Maybe he'll be more receptive if he knows this is really bothering you.
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sp196902 Jun 27, 2024
He is not bedridden. OP updated that below.
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Your Dad tells lies, and you know it. “OT and PT work with him but he lies”. “He will go on and on to the therapist about how he couldn't do any of this without me but that is NOT how he treats me when we are alone”. He could be telling lies about his will. After all he "left out my sister and brother (with) no "good" reason". "He wouldn't do that to me". Oh really? Even bigger joke, huh?

I’m not joking about food, even if just his favorites. Food availability is REAL, he can’t fake it.
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My suggestion for the quickest motivator is food. Either none at all, or not his favorites. It won’t do him any harm to go without a meal a day for several days, or a day without food. Mind you, it might lead to you not being his favorite child, and changing his will again. How much is bottom-wiping worth, if it goes on for several years?

I've just read a book on sleep, which recommends postponing breakfast for several hours to extend the time the body isn't digesting, or alternatively skipping lunch. That would be a good enough 'excuse' for me to 'motivate'.
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Fawnby Jun 27, 2024
Margaret, what if he reports her as abusive? Wouldn't a caregiver's withholding food qualify as that?
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Appreciate all the comments and advice. I just need to do something and I admit it is hard and outside my personality. Maybe that is why I have been the "chosen" child.

Have a great day everyone!!!
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Anxietynacy Jun 27, 2024
Chosen ones like you and me are chosen because we care, we are good people that get manipulated by people that are not so good
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I need to correct my profile. My dad is mobile now with a walker.

Yes I am his POA, and only heir in his will. He left out my sister and brother which there is no "good" reason. I just happen to be the favorite child of the moment.

I know something needs to change. He has PLENTY of money to live and hire a full-time caregiver. He has enough money to hire 5 full-time caregivers. He just wants what he wants and he wants me HERE. I know because I posted I opened myself to comments. It is just so hard and I guess no one would or would understand unless they were me and in my shoes. I get that.

Honestly, I would give the same advice to others.
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sp196902 Jun 27, 2024
"He has enough money to hire 5 full-time caregivers. He just wants what he wants and he wants me HERE." That's good news that he has money to hire people. It needs to be done now as you are not his a** wiper and urine cleaner upper. How sick that he wants his daughter to do those things when he can hire a professional service to do that for him.

What he wants doesn't matter. You matter 100% more than he does, because he is a selfish and dirty man who refuses to do any basic personal hygiene.

Tell dad he has 2 weeks to hire help because you are done - and be done.
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I have to agree, your Dad is showing signs of Dementia. Heart desease can contribute to this. His age, being in a hospital, the loss of his wife. Brushing his teeth? There are sponges on sticks with toothpaste in them that can be used to brush teeth. If he isn't doing it, you should.

My Mom lived with me for 20 months. She had Dementia and her decline was monthly. I was lucky that at times I had help with bathing but not with toileting. For me, that was the worst. I was placing her in an AL for respite care because of my nieces wedding out of State. It became permanent. In the 20 months I had her, I found a 24/7 Caregiver I am not. I don't think you are either and thats OK. Its OK to place Dad. Use whatever money he has and then apply for Medicaid. Find a nice Long-term care facility that takes Medicaid.
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Your profile says that your dad is "100% bedbound" so I'm not sure I'm understanding how he is to keep himself clean without help to begin with.
Now that help obviously doesn't have to be you, but you can have your dad hire some in-home help(with his money)to come help clean him up throughout the day.
And I can only guess that because your dad is bedbound and you say his house is "model clean" that that is because you are the one keeping it that way.
Your dad now needs way more help than you can provide and that will mean either him hiring at least part-time in-home help, or him going into the appropriate facility where they will keep him changed and make sure that he brushes his teeth.
I find it kind of sad that you would call your 100% bedbound dad lazy. Do you honestly think that he likes not being able to do for himself?
My late husband was 100% bedridden for the last 22 months of his life and I never considered him lazy, as I knew that if he were able that he would do everything in his power that he could.
You may want to start offering to brush his teeth at least twice a day if him not brushing bothers you so, or like already said, you can have your dad hire help to do just that.
I think you have bitten off way more than you can chew and it's now time to look at doing plan B or even C.
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Starrann69 Jun 27, 2024
Yes, my dad was bedbound. I should update that in my profile. That is my fault. He can get up and use his walker when he wants to otherwise he has me wheel him to the bathroom. It is just aggravating because for PT and OT he does all his exercises and is such a joy for them. But once they leave he just sits there and orders me around.
Also, what gets me upset, is he will go on and on to the therapist about how he couldn't do any of this without me and goes on and on but that is NOT how he treats me when we are alone.
Sorry, I am just so frustrated.
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I think you should you tude Teepa Snow, about dementia. Most people think of dementia as the way they portrait it on TV. It doesn't matter if your dad knows where the paper clips are. There is a lot more involved that people don't know.

You may see similarities, you may not but education on dementia anyways is really important when you are caregiving.

I may chime in later if I think of more to add
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You are allowing your dad to do this and only you can put a stop to it by no longer helping him. You should be grossed out, especially if he is touching things with his urine and feces stained hands. That is recipe for ALL kinds of health issues and diseases.

And Archie Bunker never made his daughter wipe his behind and clean up his urine soaked messes. If I was you I would be placing him in a facility ASAP. Then he can sit all day in his messes. Who knows maybe in a facility he will brush his teeth and shower and not be so gross.
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People don't sit in their own filth due to laziness, I don't know whether it's a mental health issue, dementia or something else but it's something. I suggest you get a bidet toilet seat for his bathroom, a box of wipes that you watch him use on his hands and a bath aid to come in a couple of times a week to clean him up - make sure this all comes out of his funds.

OTOH maybe it's time he lived somewhere else (in fact I'm sure of it)
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Starrann69 Jun 27, 2024
He will tell the therapist he doesn't do all his exercises or clean up outside of therapy because he is LAZY and that is what he has me. It's just very frustrating. He just had a new driveway replaced and now he is upset because there are very MINOR dark spots. Mind you the driveway was just done yesterday and he is already complaining. I had to go outside 3 times to take pictures. He doesn't even leave his house. He can no longer drive.
And I appreciate the dementia information but this is how he has ALWAYS BEEN. When I talk to my sister about what is going on here she has vivid memories of my dad always being like this and I guess I just blocked it out but I admit I am slowly starting to remember situations from my childhood.
Sadly he is just a mean person. I have been yelled at for waving at a neighbor and I am told not to talk to anyone. Which is not my personality at all. I don't talk about his business or anything about him.
Note: Up until Covid and he didn't want to go to the grocery stores, I hadn't seen my father in 30 years.

Thank you in advance for the advice. It is appreciated.
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More info from your profile:

"I am caring for my father who is 83 years old, living at home with heart disease, incontinence, and mobility problems.

...Prior to 12/27/2024 he was living with his wife of 43 years. Went in the hospital for a 3 day stay that turned into 2 weeks that turned into rehab, abuse, more hospital stays... 6 weeks later I brought him home and he is 100% bed bound, catheter, 3 pressure ulcers, demanding and his wife "passed" 2 weeks ago. 
I am doing this alone, working from his home. 

I know I will need help but I cant figure out what I need help with? My dad is the original "Archie Bunker". So that makes it even more difficult. 
On top of that, all day he watches game shows on repeat and I complains that everyone is an "idiot". But he is sharp. He can tell you down the paperclip, where it is in his house. He is right every single time.
Sorry to vent"

So maybe this was how his wife cared for him? Hand and foot? Servile? Why are you and your daughter doing it??

If he is 100% bedbound then he should medically qualify for LTC. The good news is that Medicaid pays for LTC, once he spends down his funds and qualified.

If you stop inserting yourselves, then he will feel the impact and may be amenable to voluntarily going into a good facility that accepts Medicaid. He pays for it until he qualifies.

My MIL stopped getting out of bed in AL and made herself 100% bedbound. I moved her to an excellent, faith-based facility where she is in LTC on Medicaid. She even has a private room.

You are in control of this situation but you are somehow under the spell of this Svengali or Rasputin. Why? If you believe he doesn't have dementia (which I will argue he does) then let him arrange for his own care, pay for it and live it.

If you are not his PoA, and no one is, then you can allow the county social workers to come in and deal with him. Eventually he will be assigned a court-appointed legal guardian who will manage him and his affairs and find placement for him. Then you can carry on your relationship with him (or not) to your heart's content, the guardian won't interfere with that. Been there, done that with my SFIL.

You are not responsible for his happiness. We don't get to choose our biological family but we can choose how much or little we interact with them. You don't owe him anything, fyi. Now you've assumed your daughter into this hellish situation. She should run away and I wouldn't blame her.

Maybe consider talking to a therapist since you don't seem able to identify healthy boundaries with your father, and now your daughter isn't able to see them, either.
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