My mom needs a break but is scared to leave sometimes as she gets bombarded by my dad who is agitated after yelling at the caregiver while she's been away. then they argue and he says don't worry about me, I'll leave or then refuses to eat, drink water, etc. How do we handle these situations? My mom feels guilty at the thought of a memory care unit, but I can see her health deteriorating.
Dad needs to be in an environment where he does not call the shots. I was told by a doctor , when it gets this bad at home , they have to be moved to facility care where he does not have family as his hands on caregiver to try to boss around , guilt trip , or manipulate . He needs a village to take care of him , where there are trained staff in these behavior issues , as well as he can receive meds as necessary under the supervision of medical staff .
Move Dad to memory care ASAP, before your mother either gets injured by Dad getting violent or your mother dies of a heart attack or worse she lives bedbound from a life altering stoke.
Your mother can’t live like this anymore .
Sadly, as it is with long progressive diseases it will only het worse. Mom’s health is just as important.
I am going to say it again, just because one life is destroyed does not mean another has to be as well.
If your Mom dies from the stress of this , Dad will end up in memory care anyway .
Guilt should not play into the Memory Care equation because dad is no longer manageable at home. Unless mom feels that her life is less valuable than his. They both need a calm lifestyle, in reality.
Dementia patients become like unruly toddlers, and they'll tell you to leave home if you let them.
Your dad is behaving this way because he's getting away with it and it's getting him what he wants in the moment.
He needs to learn quickly that his behavior will - henceforth and forever more - be getting him less of what he wants. When he threatens to not eat, drink water, etc., okay - no problem.
When he commences with the yelling, stop talking to him - go outside - do something else - don't argue back - don't cajole.
IMO. Dementia patients in the moderate stages are not mental vegetables. They may have forgotten people, places and things but they still know how to act out and manipulate.
Your moms health is the most important. My dad was very angry and dangerous in his later years. Should of not been around my mom, but mom would of never allowed it.
Anyways good or bad he passed before it got worse.
But I feel very strongly that an angry elderly man should be in a facility, because it's never likely to get better, only worse.
I am very sorry you and your family are going through this, it's horrible thing to go through. 🙏😔
Best wishes
Talk to his doctor about medication. There may be a remedy.
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