My husband doesn’t want to move.

Start getting the junk cars hauled off one at a time.

When my FIL’s wife died , we moved him back from Florida up north by us . But FIL had never lived in the state we live in . We had moved 2 states over from where we are all originally from . He had no one else , we didn’t want to leave him alone in Florida. He was miserable in our state . He did not feel “ at home “ because nothing was familiar and he was in his late 80’s with dementia .

My MIL ( divorced ) , still lives in the area she has lived in for 60 years . We are in the process of looking for placement for her, in her familiar area so her friends can visit . She is showing some signs of dementia as well.

Can you start now with getting rid of the stuff.? You'll need to do it, or pay someone to do it, if you move anyhow. If you can get rid of the old cars one at a time, he may not notice that it's happening. The same with his tools and other junk. Sneak a few into each trash pickup. It will make you feel like something is getting down. Could you take him on a vacation to Alabama, and once there, point out how nice it would be to live there?

Piddles, welcome to the forum. Taking a person who is older, with or without dementia, out of their comfort zone isn't a good idea.


My hubby's daughter want us to move to where she lives. Sorry, not happening. If we did move that means finding all new doctors/specialists/dentist/Vet and that wouldn't be easy to start from scratch. Finding a new Elder Law Attorney, a new CPA, new barber/hair salon, finding a new mechanic, find a new trustworthy HVAC tech, finding new landscapers, searching for a new grocery store, new bank. And learning all new streets. Finding new friends which isn't always easy.


And let's not forget house hunting. That alone could take months going back and forth looking for a new home. Selling the current home. The cost of real estate settlements on both houses. Bridge loans have high interest rates if you need money from the current house to purchase the new house if selling first isn't an option. Getting a qualified moving company. Home owner's insurance on a vacant house is quite expensive.


You mention moving to another State would be cheaper? How so? Real estate tax/school taxes cheaper? Sales tax on groceries cheaper? State income tax cheaper? If you buy a new car, is there a car tax, and a yearly car tax? All of that is subject to change over the years, especially now with States having Federal cuts.

Then throw dementia into the mix. Yikes. If you move, the dementia will advance because your hubby will be out of his element, everything is new and confusing. And will you find the great live-in help that you currently have?

I have to agree that I think it’s too late to move . He will be miserable , which will cause you misery .
You can still try to quietly get rid of the stuff slowly .

You've already gotten some good answers, so I will just add that uprooting a person with dementia and taking them away from their routine and what they are familiar with can be very detrimental to them which in turn will be detrimental for you.
Folks with dementia DO NOT like their routines disrupted and doing so will cause faster decline for sure.
You may just want to start liquidating some of his "junk" so when the time comes that he has to be placed in a facility it will be less work for you then.
And if need be, you can always move to Alabama after your husband dies, as Alabama isn't going anywhere.
You can no longer reason with a man whose brain is permanently broken, so quit trying. You have to now do what is best for the both of you, and that may just be staying put in Nebraska for the time being.

Please stop trying to explain anything to someone with dementia. Dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic (decision-making and judgment) and it prevents them from being able to have empathy for other people, even very close LOs. *You* are the only person who can change.

I hope you are his PoA, or someone is. The PoA should read the document to see what triggers the authority and then decisions can be made and actions taken on his behalf -- no need to get his approval or input. No need to even tell him. What you tell him now are "therapeutic fibs": you ask someone to help you sell the big items (you will need to find the titles first) and then when someone buys it, you send your husband away with a friend for the day while the vehicle is being removed. You don't mention it after that.

If he has no assigned PoA he may yet be able to do so. You will both need to see an elder law attorney, who will privately interview him for legal cognitive capacity and to make sure he's not being coerced. Ideally he should name a 2nd PoA in case something happens to you, or he names a "pre-need" guardian (which should also be you or an adult child who is willing/able to step into this role).

In order to live with my LOs with dementia, I had to educate myself. I learned a lot of helpful and practical information by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. You will need to practice not trying to treat your husband like he can be reasoned with. Stop bringing up topics that upset him and he cannot deal with mentally anymore.

You don't say how old either of you are. Given his increasing needs I would NOT move away from family who may be willing and able to support you as your husband declines. As for traveling with him back and forth to visit friends? Have you ever traveled with someone with dementia? It usually makes their behavior worse and it can become a nightmare. Please do research and think carefully about this plan: you are romanticizing everything about moving (and moving itself is so stressful).

Here's something else that helped me a lot:

Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goals should be to:

1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible 
     (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)

2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people

3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing

4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) 

5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)

The caregiving arrangement needs to be on the caregiver's terms. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout. 

You can’t convince a dementia patient. If he is incompetent and you are his POA, you won’t need his signature on anything. You can do it yourself. Consult a lawyer. Unfortunately, if husband is dead set against the move, it could drive a wedge between you that, with his decreased empathy and loss of cognitive ability, destroys your marriage.

The time when you could have accomplished such a move may have gone. Sorry, OP.