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He is refusing to go. He is narcissistic and always demanded I be there to take care of him. He won’t shower or clean himself, won’t let me get his hair cut — going for that ‘Howard Hughes’ look — very scruffy and dirty. He has never been the kindest these past 35 years.


I’m telling him he could just go and check it out. He might like it. I’ve got all-new furniture and supplies already. Spent a lot of $. Now he is refusing to try, even temporarily. I don’t know if I should cancel at this point or just bring him like we’re going to the Dr appointment and leave. Any suggestions? I’ve tried everything I could think of and I'm so much more stressed at this point. My personal well-being is really at the breaking point here.

You have probably heard the statement that people with dementia don't get to make the decisions. Easily said, but very difficult to do when your spouse is controlling and abusive. I was there. My husband passed four months ago (congestive heart failure) about a month after my son suggested it was time for placement. I know he would have fought me every step of the way. Many folks here suggested that I should leave him for my own safety and I did have plans in place if I was in physical danger. But I lived with emotional / verbal abuse daily. It isn't easy, is it? I feel like I lost myself over the years and I am slowly stepping back into who I am. For your sake, I hope you are successful in getting him moved.
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Reply to graygrammie
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One option might be to move in next door with your mother. Leave him with minimal supplies and wait for it to fall over – that the choices aren’t all his to make. I’d lock M’s door. You can do this ‘permanently’, or just for a day or longer. He needs to get the message that you are NOT going to prop him up.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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waytomisery Jan 23, 2025
Yup , the let him fail approach is sometimes needed .
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Please contact the memory care administrator and ask for their best ideas on how to best get your husband there. Never again discuss it with him, he cannot be reasoned with or make good decisions. The memory care place has experience with reluctant people with dementia and can help guide you. Do not feel bad about using whatever lies or services are necessary to accomplish this and most of all, do not give up. You matter too, and I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I read your replies . You can’t “ convince him this is best for all “
I would hire an ambulette transport to “ take him for an appointment “ . They will bring him to memory care. Tell him the car is broken , he has to take this ambulette for a “ Doctor appt”.
Stay away for at least a few days so he can get acclimated . Stay away longer if needed .
Good Luck .
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Reply to waytomisery
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olddude Jan 23, 2025
Or stay away forever.
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If you are his POA and your husband has dementia diagnosed then you will do this with the help of the facility itself. If you can't manage it any other way you will be paying an ambulance to deliver him, and this will of course need to be a locked facility.
I am very hard.
Ask your doctor for recommendations now, as well as hubby's doc will have forms to fill out for the facility as to his level of care needs.
Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Yes, do what you need to to get him there. The staff will handle him once you leave. Then stay away for a while to acclimate him. He will be exit-seeking, so don't get alarmed when they tell you that. Find out what the arrangements are, whether they have a doctor available or if you need to arrange something, in case he needs medications to calm him down. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to MG8522
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I did not tell my Mom. Just took her. When we got there told her she was getting a new apartment and would be making friends. You may want to call the facility to see if they can help.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bring him like a doc appt, then leave.

You could go at lunch time, then go “to the ladies’ room”.

YOU matter, too. Not just the patient.

The patient does not get to make care decisions at this point. The patient with dementia has no power of reasoning any longer.
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Reply to cxmoody
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So sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have any adult children that could help you with this process? Or does your husband have any close friends that understand the situation and could support you with getting him to Memory Care? Are you his POA? Has he received a diagnosis of dementia from his provider?
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Reply to YaYa79
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Robinap Jan 23, 2025
He has disconnected from his friends and family. Was abusive to kids-so not much help - but they are worried about my situation. He’s very jealous of my mom (lives next door) but won’t come over as he has made comments to her also. I just feel stuck. Years of mental abuse will do that. Hard to break. Looking for suggestions of solutions to convincing him this is best for all
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