He is refusing to go. He is narcissistic and always demanded I be there to take care of him. He won’t shower or clean himself, won’t let me get his hair cut — going for that ‘Howard Hughes’ look — very scruffy and dirty. He has never been the kindest these past 35 years.
I’m telling him he could just go and check it out. He might like it. I’ve got all-new furniture and supplies already. Spent a lot of $. Now he is refusing to try, even temporarily. I don’t know if I should cancel at this point or just bring him like we’re going to the Dr appointment and leave. Any suggestions? I’ve tried everything I could think of and I'm so much more stressed at this point. My personal well-being is really at the breaking point here.
You could go at lunch time, then go “to the ladies’ room”.
YOU matter, too. Not just the patient.
The patient does not get to make care decisions at this point. The patient with dementia has no power of reasoning any longer.
I am very hard.
Ask your doctor for recommendations now, as well as hubby's doc will have forms to fill out for the facility as to his level of care needs.
Good luck.
I would hire an ambulette transport to “ take him for an appointment “ . They will bring him to memory care. Tell him the car is broken , he has to take this ambulette for a “ Doctor appt”.
Stay away for at least a few days so he can get acclimated . Stay away longer if needed .
Good Luck .
You would not be tricking him or doing anything underhanded—he cannot make decisions for himself any longer.
And please seek a therapist for yourself who is an expert in spousal abuse. You deserve a new life free of guilt and oppression.
when the day came, I told him he was going for physical therapy. When we got to the facility, the physical therapist plus the memory care coordinator and another caregiver got him out of the car and whisked him away. This was prearranged. They are totally accustomed to the need to do it swiftly and without fuss. Speak with them and make a plan. Follow through.
His room was ready for him. He accepted the move almost immediately because his memory of home was virtually gone. I was told I’d need to stay away a week to allow him to acclimate but it took less than 3 days before I was able to visit.
He almost never asks about home and forgets the conversation within minutes. I just agree that whatever he wants will happen tomorrow. That’s soon, so he accepts and promptly forgets.
He is so much safer (wandering) and actually happier. I think the new environment makes it easier for him to not realize all the things he used to do but no longer could do. It’s been a blessing for both of us. I love him dearly. He still loves me and is happy to see me.
good luck!
The process you describe might work. I trust you have enough money to pay for it.e around $70,000 a year. my wife is memory impaired and cannot walk without assistance which I cannot provide (i am 93). She was placed in a memory care unit about 2 months ago and I visit her every other day. She is lucid but keeps asking me to take her to the car and to dinner.
He doesn't have to like it or agree to it. Do you or does someone have POA?
If he is currently mentally incompetent to make decisions for his care, then it is time for the POA to make those decisions for him.
I'm concerned about your stress, when you say your personal well-being is at a breaking point. You do deserve to take care of yourself! No one else is going to!
Do you have the means to simply leave? Take a vacation, go stay with a family member, or rent a little apartment for yourself for a while.
You don't need to make it threatening, but make it clear you need a little break, some time for yourself because you are over-stressed.
Quit wasting your time trying to convince him he will like it. Just take him there.
Have his doctor order it, and say, "Doctor's Orders".
Bring him for lunch...
Tell him you will be back soon and leave. Do not tell him good bye, just a simple, I will be back soon.
OR
Ask the facility how you should do this. They are used to getting residents that don't want to be there, are angry,
He will get used to having someone else care for him.
His demands that you care for him stem from the fact that you are the one he trusts, you are the one he relies on, you are his "safe person". He needs to refocus on another that will be there for him when he needs something.
It will take time.
As for helping him into his new home, you will need to give him his medication before the trip. Let him know that you are unable to provide the care for him he needs. Let him know this is his new home. Expect him to be uncooperative - that's why the medication beforehand. Expect him to need time to adjust to new surrounding and schedule - that's why he will have that prescription for medication. Try visiting when the staff recommends to help him know you have not abandoned him.