Follow
Share

He is refusing to go. He is narcissistic and always demanded I be there to take care of him. He won’t shower or clean himself, won’t let me get his hair cut — going for that ‘Howard Hughes’ look — very scruffy and dirty. He has never been the kindest these past 35 years.


I’m telling him he could just go and check it out. He might like it. I’ve got all-new furniture and supplies already. Spent a lot of $. Now he is refusing to try, even temporarily. I don’t know if I should cancel at this point or just bring him like we’re going to the Dr appointment and leave. Any suggestions? I’ve tried everything I could think of and I'm so much more stressed at this point. My personal well-being is really at the breaking point here.

Find Care & Housing
So sorry you are dealing with this. Do you have any adult children that could help you with this process? Or does your husband have any close friends that understand the situation and could support you with getting him to Memory Care? Are you his POA? Has he received a diagnosis of dementia from his provider?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to YaYa79
Report
Robinap Jan 23, 2025
He has disconnected from his friends and family. Was abusive to kids-so not much help - but they are worried about my situation. He’s very jealous of my mom (lives next door) but won’t come over as he has made comments to her also. I just feel stuck. Years of mental abuse will do that. Hard to break. Looking for suggestions of solutions to convincing him this is best for all
(4)
Report
Bring him like a doc appt, then leave.

You could go at lunch time, then go “to the ladies’ room”.

YOU matter, too. Not just the patient.

The patient does not get to make care decisions at this point. The patient with dementia has no power of reasoning any longer.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to cxmoody
Report

I did not tell my Mom. Just took her. When we got there told her she was getting a new apartment and would be making friends. You may want to call the facility to see if they can help.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Yes, do what you need to to get him there. The staff will handle him once you leave. Then stay away for a while to acclimate him. He will be exit-seeking, so don't get alarmed when they tell you that. Find out what the arrangements are, whether they have a doctor available or if you need to arrange something, in case he needs medications to calm him down. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MG8522
Report

If you are his POA and your husband has dementia diagnosed then you will do this with the help of the facility itself. If you can't manage it any other way you will be paying an ambulance to deliver him, and this will of course need to be a locked facility.
I am very hard.
Ask your doctor for recommendations now, as well as hubby's doc will have forms to fill out for the facility as to his level of care needs.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

I read your replies . You can’t “ convince him this is best for all “
I would hire an ambulette transport to “ take him for an appointment “ . They will bring him to memory care. Tell him the car is broken , he has to take this ambulette for a “ Doctor appt”.
Stay away for at least a few days so he can get acclimated . Stay away longer if needed .
Good Luck .
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
olddude Jan 23, 2025
Or stay away forever.
(4)
Report
See 2 more replies
Please contact the memory care administrator and ask for their best ideas on how to best get your husband there. Never again discuss it with him, he cannot be reasoned with or make good decisions. The memory care place has experience with reluctant people with dementia and can help guide you. Do not feel bad about using whatever lies or services are necessary to accomplish this and most of all, do not give up. You matter too, and I wish you peace
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

One option might be to move in next door with your mother. Leave him with minimal supplies and wait for it to fall over – that the choices aren’t all his to make. I’d lock M’s door. You can do this ‘permanently’, or just for a day or longer. He needs to get the message that you are NOT going to prop him up.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
waytomisery Jan 23, 2025
Yup , the let him fail approach is sometimes needed .
(4)
Report
You have probably heard the statement that people with dementia don't get to make the decisions. Easily said, but very difficult to do when your spouse is controlling and abusive. I was there. My husband passed four months ago (congestive heart failure) about a month after my son suggested it was time for placement. I know he would have fought me every step of the way. Many folks here suggested that I should leave him for my own safety and I did have plans in place if I was in physical danger. But I lived with emotional / verbal abuse daily. It isn't easy, is it? I feel like I lost myself over the years and I am slowly stepping back into who I am. For your sake, I hope you are successful in getting him moved.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to graygrammie
Report

I didn't ask my husband. I just brought him to the MC facility. My kids helped me to set up his room ahead of time. I stayed for a few hours and then said goodnight and told him I would see him the next day.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to WearyJean
Report

I had help from my mom's home caregiver when I took my mom. I think it is very wise for you to have someone help you with this. Two against one sort of strategy. The facility should be willing to do this with you. Or have two people from the facility come get him and you stay home. Do not try to convince him. Tell any lies you need to tell to get him into the car. You can go and stay with him for an hour or two or just leave him there. My mom was insistent that she was not going, but she went. However, she was not abusive or narcissistic, so you definitely have a much more difficult situation than I did, but do NOT cancel his placement.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Report

I would ask his doctor for something to help relax him. We are doing the same with my Mom. She has been itching a lot so they prescribed Atarax. It is also for anxiety so we are going to give that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to DonnaL65
Report
MissesJ Jan 28, 2025
Also, he doesn’t have to know about the medication. Find out the best way to give it to him (food, drink).
You would not be tricking him or doing anything underhanded—he cannot make decisions for himself any longer.
And please seek a therapist for yourself who is an expert in spousal abuse. You deserve a new life free of guilt and oppression.
(2)
Report
I dropped mom off. Room was set up..clothes in drawers. Wallhangings up. Pictures on dresser. I explained this is your new apartment. She complained. She adjusted. Staff will help you with a plan. No one goes to MC willingly if they knew where they were headed..
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Sadinroanokeva
Report

Controlling or not there won’t be any “convincing” you can do with words but what if you were to get sick or injured and unable to care for him? Are your children concerned enough about you to help facilitate a ruse by giving you a place to be “hospitalized” and then being to one or one’s to tell your husband? He has this place to go while you “recuperate” where he will have others at his disposal to care for him and meet his demands. Perhaps if you explain it to them they will even make a real effort to make him happy while he settles in and he will want to stay. If you have the time you could even start doing less or not doing things as well for him at home before you get “sick” so he likes the attention he gets at MC better.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Lymie61
Report

My husband is in memory care. On the advice of his doctor, if he acts out again, just bring him to the ER. I did that 2 years ago. While he was in the hospital, I searched for a memory care facility that would take him. It was hard to find an opening. As it turned out I thought I had placed him in a locked facility. He eloped 3 times once in a dangerous storm (the electronic lock was disabled). Another time he exited the back door and was found 1 mile away by the police. The facility didn't even know he was missing. Again, he exited by the front door following visitors. He is now in a nursing home memory care unit with double locked doors and is getting wonderful care. It is such peace of mind if you can find a good fit.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Della103
Report

I took my husband to MC 4 months ago. He never would have agreed to go, so it was never discussed with him. His reasoning power was long gone. My stepson was totally supportive.

when the day came, I told him he was going for physical therapy. When we got to the facility, the physical therapist plus the memory care coordinator and another caregiver got him out of the car and whisked him away. This was prearranged. They are totally accustomed to the need to do it swiftly and without fuss. Speak with them and make a plan. Follow through.

His room was ready for him. He accepted the move almost immediately because his memory of home was virtually gone. I was told I’d need to stay away a week to allow him to acclimate but it took less than 3 days before I was able to visit.

He almost never asks about home and forgets the conversation within minutes. I just agree that whatever he wants will happen tomorrow. That’s soon, so he accepts and promptly forgets.

He is so much safer (wandering) and actually happier. I think the new environment makes it easier for him to not realize all the things he used to do but no longer could do. It’s been a blessing for both of us. I love him dearly. He still loves me and is happy to see me.

good luck!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to AjaRay
Report

If he is memory impaired, something you did not explain. If he is I think you would need to get him out of your house.
The process you describe might work. I trust you have enough money to pay for it.e around $70,000 a year. my wife is memory impaired and cannot walk without assistance which I cannot provide (i am 93). She was placed in a memory care unit about 2 months ago and I visit her every other day. She is lucid but keeps asking me to take her to the car and to dinner.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Meiselsgerry
Report

Yes, act like you are taking him to the doctor.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Evonne1954
Report

You are not realizing something that many on this site miss: As the caretaker, your job is to care for yourself first. For everyone's sake, do not get lost in the unsolvable problems of the dying and demented.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NotOldEnough55
Report

Robinap: Pose your question to the memory care administrator.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Llamalover47
Report

It is impossible to convince him. I’ve been dealing with this with my husband. You have to tell him whatever you have to tell him to get him to the place you have chosen, and then you have to leave and know that you have done the right thing for both of you
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Rifferty
Report

A demanding, selfish narcissist who has not been kind is not going to change now.

He doesn't have to like it or agree to it. Do you or does someone have POA?
If he is currently mentally incompetent to make decisions for his care, then it is time for the POA to make those decisions for him.

I'm concerned about your stress, when you say your personal well-being is at a breaking point. You do deserve to take care of yourself! No one else is going to!
Do you have the means to simply leave? Take a vacation, go stay with a family member, or rent a little apartment for yourself for a while.
You don't need to make it threatening, but make it clear you need a little break, some time for yourself because you are over-stressed.

Quit wasting your time trying to convince him he will like it. Just take him there.
Have his doctor order it, and say, "Doctor's Orders".
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

You bring him....
Bring him for lunch...
Tell him you will be back soon and leave. Do not tell him good bye, just a simple, I will be back soon.
OR
Ask the facility how you should do this. They are used to getting residents that don't want to be there, are angry,
He will get used to having someone else care for him.
His demands that you care for him stem from the fact that you are the one he trusts, you are the one he relies on, you are his "safe person". He needs to refocus on another that will be there for him when he needs something.
It will take time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Seems like you need to enlist the assistance of his doctor. He is experiencing anxiety and lashing out in frustration. He is probably agitated too. His doctor can prescribe medication to help him relax so he can get the care he needs - bathing, dressing, hair... and getting him into his new home. It might take some time to get the right medication and/or right dosage for him... but please do try this option.

As for helping him into his new home, you will need to give him his medication before the trip. Let him know that you are unable to provide the care for him he needs. Let him know this is his new home. Expect him to be uncooperative - that's why the medication beforehand. Expect him to need time to adjust to new surrounding and schedule - that's why he will have that prescription for medication. Try visiting when the staff recommends to help him know you have not abandoned him.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Taarna
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter