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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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He has vascular dementia, stage 6. He was diagnosed about 1 1/2 yrs ago. I am very new at being a caregiver, received caregiving class. Overhelm with info. He is 90 yrs.old. He will not listen to me or maybe I am not responding correctly?
Sadly your husband is past the point of "listening" to you, as his brain is now permanently broken. You must now do what is not only is best for your husband but also what is best for you. And that may just mean placing him in a memory care facility. If your husband was diagnosed a year and a half ago, and you're still calling yourself " very new" to caregiving, something doesn't sound quite right with that. Perhaps you should say that you're very new to this crazy world of dementia instead as that makes a lot more sense, as dementia is ever changing. You must remember that someone with dementia often will mirror your attitude and mood, so it's important that you try and stay positive and upbeat(yes, you'll have to fake it sometimes)when you're dealing with your husband. And NEVER try and argue with him, as you'll lose every time. Just make sure that your local police are well aware of your husbands dementia, as I'm guessing they already are. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but know that your husband cannot help what he is saying or doing, and that somewhere deep down your husband is still in there. Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so he will go down hill very fast. My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018, but was showing signs a good year prior, and he died in Sept. 2020. So while this is very hard now, this too shall pass. Please make sure that you're taking care of yourself as you matter too in this equation.
You should soon place your husband in a care facility where he can be taken care of by professionals.
Meanwhile, block the police number on the phone so he can't call it. You can play along with his ridiculous claims, such as "Next time I see my boyfriend, I'll tell him to bring the tractor back," or something like that. Your husband won't remember what he said or what you said.
My husband thinks there are other people around our house. The other day he lost a hearing aid, and I was looking for it. But guess what? The other (invisible) people in the house were still able to talk with him through the hearing aid that was still in his ear. That is, until I walked up and started talking to him. Then the others stopped talking. He said they were both male and female, and I said that if they started talking to him again, tell them hi from me. Then we ate dinner.
I eventually found the lost hearing aid in a cookie box that I was about to throw in the garbage.
Sometimes you just have to go along with this stuff. But you need to draw the line if he's calling the police and wasting their time. It might be helpful to have a letter from his doctor on hand stating that he has dementia. Present it to the police or anyone else you need to reassure that husband's claims are not true. Heck, show it to the invisible boyfriend too.
As others have pointed out, he's uncooperative due to his dementia. This will only get worse. It's not your fault and you can't fix it. It's wise of you to take caregiving classes, but if you are as old as your husband, you really need to add in extra help for multiple reasons: you will definitely need a break since caregiving is non-stop and his needs will only increase; and, he may cooperate more with a companion aid, like a male who is experienced in working with dementia clients.
I also agree that it is probably imminent that he goes into MC at some point. I would start researching this since the cost of facility care can be very expensive.
And I also agree that meds for his anxiety/agitation will help overall.
Is your husband still driving? If so, this needs to be dealt with right away. This forum has lots of good guidance on how to do this.
Ina, if he has always ruled the roost, that will not change in his broken brain. Unfortunately, we often see loved ones not complying with family, making this difficult situation even more difficult. Perhaps it is time to have him placed in a facility or bring in a caregiver to help you take care of him.
May God bless you as you navigate this terrible disease.
I think that you are only now beginning to learn that placement may be the best option. You do not mention your own age, but your husband is 90 now. I would look into getting a division of finances and information from an elder law attorney, and then discuss with family the options available for safe care for your husband that doesn't throw your own life onto his funeral pyre. I am so sorry you're going through this.
OMG, I thought the OP was talking about her father. If her husband is 90, she is probably older herself. He needs to go to memory care. That's too much for one person, especially an old one, to deal with even with outside help.
Here's what is going to happen if your father is allowed to continue abusing your town's first responders.
They will call APS. The state will petition the court to appoint a conservator over him (that will not be a family member). Your father will be put into memory care against his will and yours.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have seen this play out many times. Some senior with dementia calls the police all the time and they get put away quick by the state.
I'm going to tell you plainly and from experience that you are not responding correctly to his behaviors. YOU are in charge now. Not your father. It's time to start considering him differently. The person you knew as your father is gone. You have an adult-sized, unpleasant, stubborn, tantrum-throwing toddler who is only going to get worse. So you have to treat him like one.
1) Do not allow him unsupervised access to a phone
2) Bring in some outside homecare help a few hours a week to help
3) Take him to his doctor and get him on some kinds of medications that will keep him calm. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Ask for them in liquid form and drug his food or drinks.
4) Baby-proof the home as if you had a toddler living with you
5) Put a hook and loop style lock on the outside of his bedroom door at night so he cannot wander off at night. Install locks on doors and windows that can't be opened without a key or a code.
6) Ignore about 99% of what Teepa Snow says to do for and with people that have dementia because she is about 99% full of crap.
7) Hit up the members of this forum for advice. It's a good resource here if you can sort through some posts.
I did this line of work for a long time and I operate a homecare agency now. If you want realistic and practical advice, PM me.
OH MY GOODNESS! It was hard for me to deal with my daddys ALZ! I had to finally just agree with him then do what I knew was best. Arguing will not help it only agitates. He will not listen to you. You will need to lie and guide him to what you need him to do. My daddy was 6'2" and willful! ; ) I had to con him into going to a facility - I told him it was a hospital and that the doctor said he could not leave until he could walk. I also told him he could not drive because he had no more insurance. ( I took him off the insurance because he could not remember how to drive home and his reactions were slow.) He was sooooo mad at me - I was the worst daughter ever! I had to suck it up and just take the verbal abuse because it was not him that was talking/yelling at me it was the sickness. Please think outside the box to get him to do what you need him to do - lie, fib, con, redirect whatever you can do to make your life easy and keep him calm - know that as I close this note I have said a prayer for you and your family! hugs
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You must now do what is not only is best for your husband but also what is best for you. And that may just mean placing him in a memory care facility.
If your husband was diagnosed a year and a half ago, and you're still calling yourself " very new" to caregiving, something doesn't sound quite right with that.
Perhaps you should say that you're very new to this crazy world of dementia instead as that makes a lot more sense, as dementia is ever changing.
You must remember that someone with dementia often will mirror your attitude and mood, so it's important that you try and stay positive and upbeat(yes, you'll have to fake it sometimes)when you're dealing with your husband.
And NEVER try and argue with him, as you'll lose every time.
Just make sure that your local police are well aware of your husbands dementia, as I'm guessing they already are.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but know that your husband cannot help what he is saying or doing, and that somewhere deep down your husband is still in there.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so he will go down hill very fast.
My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018, but was showing signs a good year prior, and he died in Sept. 2020.
So while this is very hard now, this too shall pass. Please make sure that you're taking care of yourself as you matter too in this equation.
Meanwhile, block the police number on the phone so he can't call it. You can play along with his ridiculous claims, such as "Next time I see my boyfriend, I'll tell him to bring the tractor back," or something like that. Your husband won't remember what he said or what you said.
My husband thinks there are other people around our house. The other day he lost a hearing aid, and I was looking for it. But guess what? The other (invisible) people in the house were still able to talk with him through the hearing aid that was still in his ear. That is, until I walked up and started talking to him. Then the others stopped talking. He said they were both male and female, and I said that if they started talking to him again, tell them hi from me. Then we ate dinner.
I eventually found the lost hearing aid in a cookie box that I was about to throw in the garbage.
Sometimes you just have to go along with this stuff. But you need to draw the line if he's calling the police and wasting their time. It might be helpful to have a letter from his doctor on hand stating that he has dementia. Present it to the police or anyone else you need to reassure that husband's claims are not true. Heck, show it to the invisible boyfriend too.
I also agree that it is probably imminent that he goes into MC at some point. I would start researching this since the cost of facility care can be very expensive.
And I also agree that meds for his anxiety/agitation will help overall.
Is your husband still driving? If so, this needs to be dealt with right away. This forum has lots of good guidance on how to do this.
May God bless you as you navigate this terrible disease.
They will call APS. The state will petition the court to appoint a conservator over him (that will not be a family member). Your father will be put into memory care against his will and yours.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have seen this play out many times. Some senior with dementia calls the police all the time and they get put away quick by the state.
I'm going to tell you plainly and from experience that you are not responding correctly to his behaviors. YOU are in charge now. Not your father. It's time to start considering him differently. The person you knew as your father is gone. You have an adult-sized, unpleasant, stubborn, tantrum-throwing toddler who is only going to get worse. So you have to treat him like one.
1) Do not allow him unsupervised access to a phone
2) Bring in some outside homecare help a few hours a week to help
3) Take him to his doctor and get him on some kinds of medications that will keep him calm. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Ask for them in liquid form and drug his food or drinks.
4) Baby-proof the home as if you had a toddler living with you
5) Put a hook and loop style lock on the outside of his bedroom door at night so he cannot wander off at night. Install locks on doors and windows that can't be opened without a key or a code.
6) Ignore about 99% of what Teepa Snow says to do for and with people that have dementia because she is about 99% full of crap.
7) Hit up the members of this forum for advice. It's a good resource here if you can sort through some posts.
I did this line of work for a long time and I operate a homecare agency now. If you want realistic and practical advice, PM me.
Is this an open marriage? Is the boyfriend just in his head? Or do you mean your caring for your father?