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He has vascular dementia, stage 6. He was diagnosed about 1 1/2 yrs ago. I am very new at being a caregiver, received caregiving class. Overhelm with info. He is 90 yrs.old. He will not listen to me or maybe I am not responding correctly?

At the least, you cut off his access to phones.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Sadly your husband is past the point of "listening" to you, as his brain is now permanently broken.
You must now do what is not only is best for your husband but also what is best for you. And that may just mean placing him in a memory care facility.
If your husband was diagnosed a year and a half ago, and you're still calling yourself " very new" to caregiving, something doesn't sound quite right with that.
Perhaps you should say that you're very new to this crazy world of dementia instead as that makes a lot more sense, as dementia is ever changing.
You must remember that someone with dementia often will mirror your attitude and mood, so it's important that you try and stay positive and upbeat(yes, you'll have to fake it sometimes)when you're dealing with your husband.
And NEVER try and argue with him, as you'll lose every time.
Just make sure that your local police are well aware of your husbands dementia, as I'm guessing they already are.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but know that your husband cannot help what he is saying or doing, and that somewhere deep down your husband is still in there.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so he will go down hill very fast.
My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018, but was showing signs a good year prior, and he died in Sept. 2020.
So while this is very hard now, this too shall pass. Please make sure that you're taking care of yourself as you matter too in this equation.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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As others have pointed out, he's uncooperative due to his dementia. This will only get worse. It's not your fault and you can't fix it. It's wise of you to take caregiving classes, but if you are as old as your husband, you really need to add in extra help for multiple reasons: you will definitely need a break since caregiving is non-stop and his needs will only increase; and, he may cooperate more with a companion aid, like a male who is experienced in working with dementia clients.

I also agree that it is probably imminent that he goes into MC at some point. I would start researching this since the cost of facility care can be very expensive.

And I also agree that meds for his anxiety/agitation will help overall.

Is your husband still driving? If so, this needs to be dealt with right away. This forum has lots of good guidance on how to do this.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You should soon place your husband in a care facility where he can be taken care of by professionals.

Meanwhile, block the police number on the phone so he can't call it. You can play along with his ridiculous claims, such as "Next time I see my boyfriend, I'll tell him to bring the tractor back," or something like that. Your husband won't remember what he said or what you said.

My husband thinks there are other people around our house. The other day he lost a hearing aid, and I was looking for it. But guess what? The other (invisible) people in the house were still able to talk with him through the hearing aid that was still in his ear. That is, until I walked up and started talking to him. Then the others stopped talking. He said they were both male and female, and I said that if they started talking to him again, tell them hi from me. Then we ate dinner.

I eventually found the lost hearing aid in a cookie box that I was about to throw in the garbage.

Sometimes you just have to go along with this stuff. But you need to draw the line if he's calling the police and wasting their time. It might be helpful to have a letter from his doctor on hand stating that he has dementia. Present it to the police or anyone else you need to reassure that husband's claims are not true. Heck, show it to the invisible boyfriend too.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your husband calls for help because your boyfriend takes his tools?

Is this an open marriage? Is the boyfriend just in his head? Or do you mean your caring for your father?
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Reply to ZippyZee
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OH MY GOODNESS! It was hard for me to deal with my daddys ALZ! I had to finally just agree with him then do what I knew was best. Arguing will not help it only agitates. He will not listen to you. You will need to lie and guide him to what you need him to do. My daddy was 6'2" and willful! ; ) I had to con him into going to a facility - I told him it was a hospital and that the doctor said he could not leave until he could walk. I also told him he could not drive because he had no more insurance. ( I took him off the insurance because he could not remember how to drive home and his reactions were slow.) He was sooooo mad at me - I was the worst daughter ever! I had to suck it up and just take the verbal abuse because it was not him that was talking/yelling at me it was the sickness. Please think outside the box to get him to do what you need him to do - lie, fib, con, redirect whatever you can do to make your life easy and keep him calm - know that as I close this note I have said a prayer for you and your family! hugs
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Here's what is going to happen if your father is allowed to continue abusing your town's first responders.

They will call APS. The state will petition the court to appoint a conservator over him (that will not be a family member). Your father will be put into memory care against his will and yours.

I was a homecare worker for 25 years and have seen this play out many times. Some senior with dementia calls the police all the time and they get put away quick by the state.

I'm going to tell you plainly and from experience that you are not responding correctly to his behaviors. YOU are in charge now. Not your father. It's time to start considering him differently. The person you knew as your father is gone. You have an adult-sized, unpleasant, stubborn, tantrum-throwing toddler who is only going to get worse. So you have to treat him like one.

1) Do not allow him unsupervised access to a phone

2) Bring in some outside homecare help a few hours a week to help

3) Take him to his doctor and get him on some kinds of medications that will keep him calm. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Ask for them in liquid form and drug his food or drinks.

4) Baby-proof the home as if you had a toddler living with you

5) Put a hook and loop style lock on the outside of his bedroom door at night so he cannot wander off at night. Install locks on doors and windows that can't be opened without a key or a code.

6) Ignore about 99% of what Teepa Snow says to do for and with people that have dementia because she is about 99% full of crap.

7) Hit up the members of this forum for advice. It's a good resource here if you can sort through some posts.

I did this line of work for a long time and I operate a homecare agency now. If you want realistic and practical advice, PM me.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Grandma1954 Aug 8, 2024
This is her husband not her father.
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I think that you are only now beginning to learn that placement may be the best option. You do not mention your own age, but your husband is 90 now. I would look into getting a division of finances and information from an elder law attorney, and then discuss with family the options available for safe care for your husband that doesn't throw your own life onto his funeral pyre. I am so sorry you're going through this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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BurntCaregiver Aug 8, 2024
OMG, I thought the OP was talking about her father. If her husband is 90, she is probably older herself. He needs to go to memory care. That's too much for one person, especially an old one, to deal with even with outside help.
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Ina, if he has always ruled the roost, that will not change in his broken brain. Unfortunately, we often see loved ones not complying with family, making this difficult situation even more difficult. Perhaps it is time to have him placed in a facility or bring in a caregiver to help you take care of him.

May God bless you as you navigate this terrible disease.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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