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He lies in bed 24 hours a day. I gave up a trip to Spain bc he said he couldn’t be alone. He promised he would take anti-anxiety meds but he never did. Now he’s needing PT after a stay in the hospital but he won’t do it. He just wants to be taken care of. I’m sorry he’s had cancer for 10 years but he’s made choices as to how to live. I just turned 70 and want to get out and do things, travel, see the world. I know I’ll be harshly judged if I leave. But none of my friends or family have been through this, they all have active social lives. Meanwhile, he lives in his bedroom all day and night. I want my own apartment, where I can live my own life but still check in on him as needed. I don’t feel I’m in love with him though I do care about him. When is it my turn to live? I am so depressed and lonely and see no end in sight.

You've got burnout! It happens to all caregivers and family members. It's not a matter of whether you still love him. That's a different issue. You need help and support. And it's not only ok to take care of yourself but necessary. How you choose to do that is a personal matter which I won't comment on; it's yours to make but I do encourage you to find some balance. Get the kids involved or other family members if there are any. And, remind him that there are two people in this marriage, not just one. Although you may or may not be religious, I encourage you to pray for guidance and help which may make you feel less alone since we can pray anytime of day or night and be heard even though others are not available.
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Reply to NAB1949
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Why didn't you hire someone to stay with DH while you went to Spain? Or hire someone now to care for his needs so you can live the life you dream of? I don't understand why you have to get divorced in order to have a social life and travel, just because your DH is in bed all day with cancer. Just because his life is ruined doesn't mean your life has to be as well. Live while you're still able and before some disease strikes you as it has him.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You can skip and chew gum at the same time.
If your husband had cancer 10 years there is no reason that he cannot function while you take days or even weeks off. He needs perhaps someone hired for those weeks and you could use any agency such as Visiting Angels with their minimum of four hours per day three days per week, to come in, do cleanup and make a few meals.
There are emergency numbers for him to call.
If you have enabled him over 10 years to be this needy I don't quite know what to say. You are walking the streets, shopping, cleaning with cancer patients every day. I am one of them and walk miles a day. He isn't in Hospice dying over a period of 10 years, so why have YOU stopped living? That's on YOU.

You don't give us details of his needs.
As to can you leave him? Sure. As to the judgement of others? Who cares. That's all up to you. A Forum of oddball strangers don't mean a fig in how you must live your life.
I wish you the best. Take your trips. Arrange it with good setup. Unless he is actively dying it will be good for you both to have a break. Care can be arranged as a part of the cost of your trip.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Who can blame you? That's a long time to never be his priority. Is his cancer not in remission after 10 years? You are probably both depressed.

What reason does he give for not taking his anti-anxiety meds?

You can draw up paperwork (seperation or divorce) and show them to him, informing him that you're burnt out because he doesn't participate in his own improvement and your marriage is basically dead. If he continues to refuse anxiety/depression meds, refuses to join you in couples therapy you will physicallyleave (you can also show him an unsigned lease agreement of a place you've picked out). Hopefully showing him how serious it is snaps him out of it.

Is he physically able to get around? Drive? Do ADLs? If so make a clean break and start living. If not you can arrange care for him or he can go into a LTC facility, or hospice.

"I want my own apartment, where I can live my own life but still check in on him as needed."

Is this guilt talking? This is called enabling. I would not do this... instead I would make a clean break in a new place, finding new non-judgmental friends and move on with my life before it's too late.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Any spouse can leave another spouse for any reason.

We are taught "until death do us part," but more and more it isn't death that parts us! It's their anger, their alcoholism, drug addiction, their horrible kids from a previous marriage. Or they won't contribute to household expenses. Worse, yet, they steal from you. Or hit you. Or your kids. On and on and on. Thank goodness for divorce! We deserve to be respected, treated with kindness, and safe in our own homes. We deserve love.

If a marriage is lacking those things, it's time to go. There's little stigma in leaving a bad marriage these days.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You can do whatever the heck you want to, but the question here is will you be able to live with your decision?
Why don't you have your husband placed in the appropriate facility where he will receive that care he requires and you can just be his advocate and wife and still have a life of your own, while knowing that your husband is being looked after?
That way you can still go and do the things you enjoy, so you won't be so depressed and lonely.
It would be win win for you both....husband gets the care he requires and you get back some of your life.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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If your husband is physically able to get up and out of bed on his own then most absurdly you can leave.
(I mention this because if he can not physically get up and out of bed then it is a safely matter and he can not be left alone. And if that is the case you can say that you can no longer care for him safely at home and make plans to either getting full time caregivers or placing him in Skilled Nursing. Skilled Nursing would be necessary as AL can not use equipment to transfer someone)

You can leave for an hour, 3 hours, a day, 3 days, 3 weeks how ever long you want.,
Will you get flack from friends and family? probably. Probably not if they know what you have been dealing with.
You can continue on or you can go about your life and do the travel you want.
You can make this a legal separation or divorce.
I would discuss this with a lawyer so that this would not be perceived as "abandonment". You also want to protect yourself financially.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Of course you can leave him, if you do not want to divorce (which IMO would be the best option) you can have an attorney draw up an iron clad separation agreement.

Sorry about all of this, no way to live.
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Reply to MeDolly
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