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He was diagnosed April 1, the same month I would have finalized our divorce. Now I'm his main caretaker as he works through severe illness, mood swings, hospitalizations, incontinence, you name it. His illness didn't erase years of nastiness. This is no privilege, it's a prison sentence.
I'm sorry if this is off topic for most of you. Caregiving is incredibly difficult even when you adore the person. There is no joy in giving care to someone you don't care for.

No . You should not pretend anything because he is ill . You are not obligated to take care of him .

Move forward as planned with your divorce . Even if you weren’t divorcing , not every spouse could handle his needs , moods etc , the result would be the same , hiring in home help , or placement in a facility .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Not off topic at all as it involves caregiving.

Do you and your husband have an amicable divorce in which you remain strong and steady friends? Because I cannot otherwise imagine why you are staying to be his caregiver.

Let us assume your husband was single and never married, and was diagnosed with an illness. He would be a part of a system that would help and support him.

I encourage you to get on with your life. I am assuming that you had good reason to divorce. If you wish to lend support to an ex who is now a friend, then help him navigate the system and support him in doing so, but do consider getting on with your life. I cannot begin to imagine why you would not. Can you tell me one single reason other than guilt which is entirely inappropriate here as you did not CAUSE this and you cannot FIX this, and guilt requires both those things to even exist. You can feel sorry for him. That doesn't make you responsible. You are a grown adult and you are responsible for your own CHOICES and if you remain with your husband you need to accept that this is YOUR CHOICE; no one will give you a gold star or sympathy for this. I am sorry to be blunt, but if your own faulty thinking is leading you down a path harmful to you I feel a good shaking up of your thinking is best.

I wish you good luck in your new future.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Finalize the divorce and move on.
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Reply to MeDolly
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You should have finalized the divorce then. You can still do it. You then could have helped him get the resourses he needs to help him. If terminal, you may want to get Hospice in.

You are not the only one on this forum who has divorced a sick husband. I hope you are not taking his stuff now. He so needs you more than you need him and he needs to know it. There is something called "gray rock". Look it up, you literally ignore them. Do what you need to do but do not talk to him. You don't have to have divorce papers to tell him if he doesn't stop with the nastiness, you will walk out.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I don’t know how old either of you are, or whether you have kids or what his insurance / Medicare/ Medicaid situation is. I would proceed with separating your lives and not become his full time caregiver. But I would try to ensure he has some kind of coverage plan (if he does not) simply because he may not have the capacity to sort it out himself. There will be legal paperwork to divorce and redo your wills, etc so might as well address that also. That should give you peace of mind. I do not believe you are legally bound to do that much, nor ethically bound to do more than that. I am not an expert. I think (?) if no family member or friend sorts this out, the hospital social worker will next time he winds up there and has nowhere to be discharged.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Are you worried about what "other people" might think of you? If so, don't.

And don't do it out of guilt or pity. You aren't his only solution. Connect him with social services.

Move ahead with what you were going to do and remember the reason for doing it in the first place.

I wish you peace in your heart.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You do not have to do any more or less than you want to do.

Doing more than you want to do will cause you serious depression, and will effect your health, it sounds to me like this man already took enough from you.

Best of luck.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Place Him In a Home and let the professionals take Over and Finalize your divorce . He made you suffer enough you owe him Nothing . Go Live your Life .
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Reply to KNance72
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Why would you stay to care for a man you despise? That makes absolutely no sense to me.
He now deserves to have someone care for him that is at least neutral even if he was an ass all his life, instead of someone that hates him don't you think?
Time to finalize your divorce and let paid caregivers take over his care with his money either in-home or in a facility.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Leave before he gets sicker! You were already halfway out the door. Let him figure out how to handle it. He’ll find someone else to take care of him. You can send him “thinking of you” cards and let him know you’re praying for him.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Finalise that divorce! Think about who you can hand him over to. If you can , suggest that he appoints someone else as POA (children? his family member?), or else see if you can get the State to start guardianship proceedings. Let them handle it. You have no moral obligations here, and finalising the divorce makes the legal lack of obligations quite clear.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You are not obligated to do this.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I would go ahead and divorce him as you were. He’s not a different person just because he needs depends now, and certainly you are not obligated to change him.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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