Mom and Dad are in their 80s. There is often discord between them because he gets frustrated if she's not cooperative (for example) when he's helping her dress or if she's not able to follow instructions when they're preparing to go somewhere (church, appointments, senior activities). He'll tell her he won't help her anymore because of how she's treating him.
He is a highly intelligent man but has struggled with her decline and has trouble managing simple things like taking her glasses from her at bedtime and putting them somewhere safe for the next day. When he tells her to put on her glasses and she can't find them, he tells her to go look for them. She can't even remember what she's looking for. He sometimes call me when he thinks she's being uncooperative to tell me everything she's doing wrong right in front of her. Sometimes she remembers what he's talking about and sometimes she does not.
I'm seeing him become more forgetful, more easily frustrated, he's made some poor decisions about Mom's care, the clutter in the home is out of control, and repairs go unmade.
I've helped my parents for years since the onset of my mom's dementia, but since her needs have increased and are taking more of a toll on him, precipitating the need for additional caregiving arrangements, he's become more difficult to work with. We've had disagreements over the level of care she needs and the amount of respite he requires. He told me he's the only one who will be making decisions about their lives and her care. He has allowed my brother to take over bill payments and the medication management responsibilities I used to take care of, and now really only wants me around when he needs somebody to babysit Mom. He likes to stay active, and of course, Mom's needs have slowed him down.
He has a caregiver for Mom 3 days a week, 4 hours each day. Two of those times are in the evening so he can attend weekly meetings. The caregiver picks up around the house, cooks some meals, does some laundry, and on the evening shifts, helps Mom with personal hygiene needs and puts her to bed.
Dad doesn't want a caregiver in the house more frequently, as I've suggested, because he feels like it interrupts his life. He's doesn't see that it would give him more freedom from the stressors he feels as a caregiver, more freedom to pursue his own interests. I want to support both my parents, but not sure what to do for them anymore.
The cost might not be all that much greater proportionate to paying caregivers to come in for an ever-increasing number of hours.
The ideal situation would be for both of them to move to a facility together, either in the same unit or on different floors if they need different levels of assistance. But that is a hard sell for someone like your dad. Maybe you can plant the idea by quietly leaving some retirement community brochures, the kind that promote themselves as having activities he would enjoy.
It sounds like your dad may have cognitive decline as well. Is your mother safe with him? That's a difficult question to face but if he is developing dementia as well and he is showing this kind of anger and irrationality, including intentionally trying to humiliate her, it unfortunately is something you need to consider.
In the meantime, the adult day care center is a great idea. It would be healthy for your mom, but also healthy for your dad to calm him down. It also could be the gateway to consideration of placement for your mom, as he sees the benefits for both herself and himself. Sometimes there is even transportation by special vans available.
I know it's very frustrating and men of his generation, in particular, can be very stubborn. I like Waytomisery's suggestion about talking to his doctor(s) to evaluate his cognition next time he is there.
She could go up to 5 days a week and up to 8 hours per day, and they offer breakfast, lunch and a snack, plus different activities every day to keep them occupied. And I know that ours offers a spa day once a week where they will shower, shave and cut hair if needed.
The one in my city charges $60/day, but it's worth every penny. And if money is an issue I know that they do offer some financial help.
I also have to say that it seems like your dad is in a bit of denial about your moms dementia, since he's wanting her to have to remember where she put her glasses at night. And he's definitely expecting too much from a woman with a broken brain, which again points to his denial of the severity of the situation.
Other than making suggestions I'm afraid there is not much you can do yet. It may take an "event" to happen before your dad is open to making any changes.
And don't worry....an event will happen sooner or later. So be prepared.
Yes, sometimes it does seem like he's in denial, or if he understands logically, but it doesn't stick with him and drive his choices.
If he wants to live his old life without the ‘interuption’ of caregivers being there when he is at home, he should look at placement for her. Your best help may well be to stop propping him up with fake independence. If M suffers because of that, call APS.
If Dawn is right that he is the type of man who “had their wives wait on them hand and foot for decades”, you are probably used to showing him max respect yourself. Stop.
Sounds like your Dad has early Dementia as well .
Stubborn , unreasonable , forgetful , poor decision making .
Dad telling your Mom to look for her own glasses ? …..Dad should know she’s not capable of that .
When they are this stubborn , often end up waiting for a medical event to eventually have them placed . Perhaps Mom first .
But sounds like Dad needs 24/7 supervision as well . I would try to take the car keys away .
You could call the County Area Agency of Aging and have a social worker come out to their home and do a needs assessment and try to talk some sense to Dad .
I’m assuming Dad would refuse cognitive testing at a neurologist . You could try secretly asking his primary doc to do a cognitive test , next time Dad goes there .
Good Luck .
You have your hands full .
Dad already has hired a caregiver for Mom 3 days a week, who also helps clean. He gave your brother the financial chores. He has made it clear he runs the show. His anger and frustration is because he is getting old and doesn't like it. Who does?? He doesn't seem to need any support, except maybe more housekeeping.
Step back and let Dad handle his own responsibility. I wouldn't be coming to babysit Mom either. Visit when you want to, and live your life to the fullest. Don't waste time you won't get back.