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How do I get her to get out of bed and want to live . She constantly pees and poops and refuses to use the bathroom . We are in hotel rooms and she smells everywhere up th hotel car herself ECT and sits there and says she don't have to go . Me and my husband are her full time caregivers. What should I do because it is killing neseei g her do this and not. Care at all ahe is in bed 247 butcsn get up to get soda yet I yell everyday how can I better deal with this. .

I can't understand why a woman of her age could go off the deep end so quickly. Your Dad must've been doing everything for her so she never had any independence? How can she go from caregiver to invalid? Yet,she can get up and gets things when she wants to. She needed help long time ago. She probably went through burnout and a nervous breakdown caring for Dad and hasn't been able to recover. You're only enabling her at this point,she needs to learn how to help herself. I'm assuming that she lost everything paying off Dr fees and hospital bills and funeral expenses otherwise why would you be in a hotel? Just to get away from the house?What are you living on? Her social security and your income? If you're depending on her SS to get by,you're going to have to make some adjustments too. I can only agree with everyone else that Adult Protection Service is your best choice. She is broken mentally and physically. Why have you waited so long to get her some help? Three years is a long time to be mourning! Please, help her now!
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Reply to JuliaH
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You posted this under Alzheimer's.
This isn't about grieving and the normal grieving process.
This is quite a relatively young woman who is bedbound and incontinent.

Time for a call to EMS and transport to a hospital.
Time for a full diagnosis and prognosis of what is going on here.
And it is time for placement. Because this person, your mom, is now someone who, if there is no treatment and no good prognosis, now needs full time 24/7 care of several shifts of people with several people on each shift.

I do not know what you mean by your are her "caregivers" but if you are getting paid on some governmental program to care for her then you have caseworkers. You need to contact them to tell them that you cannot provide care for her at this point and she needs placement.
If you are NOT currently caregivers or POA, you need not to take this on. If you are living in a hotel you are not in a place to do so. You have all you can do to care for yourselves. She will require guardianship of the state.

I am sorry, but in present circumstances this isn't sustainable. My heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best of luck, but you must now access the "system" for care.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It’s up to you to stop this awful situation. Your mother is likely depressed and mentally unwell, she’s not able to decide to change this. You will need to call 911 and have her transported to the hospital, and once there tell the staff what you’ve related here. Meet with the social worker and refuse to assume her care any longer. This is for the good of both mom and you. I wish you well in changing this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Your mom is WAY too young to have given up on life. How very sad.
But just because she's given up doesn't mean that you have to allow her to take you down with her.
Not sure why you're all living in a hotel, but it's time for you and your husband to spread your wings and get out on your own, and then you can call APS to report your mom, and they will come out and take things from there.
Your mom is not your responsibility. She needs more help than you can provide, so please call APS today for your mom and then call 211 for you and your husband to find out what resources are available for you and your husband to leave.
The only way that you can "better deal with this" is by leaving and letting APS take over your moms care.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I agree that she sounds like she is depressed and may also have cognitive problems.

You and your husband are now overwhelmed by her care. If you are living in hotels, you are also overwhelmed financially.

You can call 911 and tell them she's "not herself" and may have an untreated UTI (because dementia and depression are not medical emergencies and they may not show up). The EMTs take her to the ER. Once there you explain to the Discharge Planner that she is an "unsafe discharge" and has no home to go to (the hotel does not count as "home"). You tell them you are not her PoA and cannot financially support her. Ask to talk to the hospital social worker to see about getting her discharged directly into a facility. She will also be on track for a legal guardian who will oversee all her future care. In a facility you will still get to carry on your relationship with her, and advocate for her, you just won't have to be medically and financially and custodially responsible for her. She will qualify for Medicaid (medical assistance) and her SS check will go to help pay for her room and board.

She will then get all the care that she needs.
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Reply to Geaton777
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It sounds like she has a combination of depression and dementia/cognitive decline. Have you taken her to a doctor about this? She at least needs medication and possibly placement in memory care.

Why are you living in hotel rooms? Are you homeless because of taking care of her instead of working? If so you can contact Adult Protective Services and have them take over her care. Then you and your husband can get back to having a normal life.

Good luck! Let us know how things go.
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Reply to MG8522
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