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I used to be able to leave to go pick up some groceries, etc., but it has become more concerning the last year or so because he is forgetting to follow through with turning off things after use, such as the disposal and the water. His cognitive ability has dipped and I am seeing many more repeated questions, blaming others, very negative on any subject, doesn't think he needs a "babysitter" when I need a break... In other words, I find myself feeling burned out more than ever.


I have children, but I don't think they want any of this. One was treated badly and won't do anything for him. He is so rude to her and her husband for no reason.


At what point or what does it take for him to be placed in some sort of care? I have always been there for him, but he always let me remain ill, even when I needed the hospital. Case in point, I suffered an appendicitus and gallbladder attack. He said just lay down and I would feel better in a couple hours. I was told later I could have died.


Well, I would like to know what a doctor looks for when they decide it is time for placement, caregivers, etc. I understand sometimes caregivers die before their wards... I can see why.

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Your husband is long past needing to be placed, and it's up to you to make that decision not a doctor.
When caregiving is affecting your health and your loved ones care is just too much, it's time to place them.
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. PLEASE don't be in that 40%.
You've done all you can do and now it's time to allow others to take over your husbands care, so you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out overwhelmed caregiver. So start your search now.
I wish you the very best in finding the right memory care for your husband.
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no1cares Jan 27, 2025
thank you, this is really a great place to find answers and to know that we are all in this and not alone...
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This is for his safety. Keep reminding yourself of that, when you start to question your decision. It is work to set up and get him moved, but after that you will have a sense of relief, and you'll be able to start focusing on your own physical and mental health, which you do deserve to take care of after all these years of taking care of your husband.
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You’ve been at this a very long time and must be completely exhausted. No one in their right mind could blame you for moving your husband to memory care. Starting visiting places you’re interested in, without mentioning it to your husband at all, and get some guidance on the admission process from the directors you meet. I wish you the best in finding a good place
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no1cares Jan 27, 2025
Thank you so much, I think I should do what you suggested and soon, I don't know if it is time, but starting now to look around in order to find the right one, sounds good.
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I also suggest before you place him you see an Elder Lawyer to have your assets split. His split will go to his care. A couple of months before his money is gone, you apply for Medicaid. When he gets Medicaid, you remain in your home, have a car and enough or all of your monthly income to live on.
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It takes a diagnosis. And if he isn't cooperative it takes your being his guardian. It is too late now for POA and he wouldn't provide that anyway. You are next of kin. When it is required you will contact APS and find out the manner in which you can get him moved via their help or via emergency services for diagnosis. If he is no longer competent and represents a danger to self or/and others, he will be put in placement. You will need an attorney for some division of finances/protection of your own money for your own aging needs.

You will,, of course, not depend upon the input of the demented, husband or not, for your own medical care.
Should you require hospitalization call an ambulance and if you feel hubby unsafe at home let them know so they can get APS in to transport him, likely to your own hospital while you are in care.

None of us can know how bad your husband's condition is. Only the doctor can help you assess that. We are just a bunch of folk on a Forum who never met either of him. If you feel he can do some damage to the home or wander away, then he is no longer safe alone. That is for you to assess and I can only wish you good luck.
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MissesJ Feb 1, 2025
I believe you meant this for another thread (but that didn’t stop three people thinking she should send her husband to Bulgaria!🤭)
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You need others involved in your husband's care - whether or not he is agreeable about it. You need to have people who can sit with him while you run errands, go to your own medical appointments, and get the occasional break. As you already pointed out, you need a few people who could step in when you have a medical emergency or are sick. Start by asking for volunteer help from family, friends. neighbors, your faith community... Then, look at paid help to fill in gaps from home health care aides to part time caregivers.

I find that most families realize that their loved one needs full time residential care when:
1 = Care becomes 24/7/365.
2 = When the caregiver can not get a full night's rest most nights of the week.
3= When the caregiver's health needs must be addressed.
4=When the one cared for becomes anxious, agitated, and aggressive or violent.
In short, when it is too difficult to keep the person safe and healthy at home.
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If you need a break call a friend or if you hire some one introduce them as a friend. Just tell husband "Bill is going to visit while I go to the store"
Also, next time he is in the hospital you can always tell the social worker that home is not a safe place for him and he needs to be put in a facility or group home.
I agree you should go see an elder attorney - it will be the best money you have spent. I did a consult first - for a fee - then when I had the papers made up that was another fee - but well worth the information and the safe guards that can be put in place. ALZ is not fun I watched my daddy and to see this man go from knowing to not knowing kills me even today. Know that as I have finished this I send a cyber ((hug)) and a prayer has been said for you!
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As an unpaid caregiver for a husband with Alzheimer’s, I often think I’m invisible to the medical profession, etc. I’m 80 and he’s 83. I have moderate osteoarthritis in my left hip and compression fractures of the spine. Even if I didn’t have these, I consider a woman of 80 isn’t suitable to look after an Alzheimer’s patient, never mind one who is a control freak. I’m not sure whether other residents of the retirement village should have to put up with an Alzheimer’s sufferer in their midst either. He keeps me awake for hours frequently with accusations of infidelity, prostitution, bringing home STDs, etc. He is past appreciating that a woman of 80 is past having sex. These days there has to be something drastic happen for them to place a mentally ill person in care. I’ve already been in the firing line of three items hurled across the room. The last one hit me in the face but was fortunately only a carton that he’d just stamped on. Maybe if it had been the Flip 6 that got me on the foot and hurt so much I yelped …?
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Bulldog54321 Feb 7, 2025
You need to call the police because of this abuse. You cannot get into the brain of a person whose brain is dying. He could kill you.

The next time he becomes violent, call 911. Also sexual coercion is abuse.
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It sounds like it’s time. Good luck.

and yes, on my second ever gall bladder attack, I had pancreatitis which is life threatening. I needed emergency surgery.

Someone with a dying brain doesn’t understand what he is saying when he says go lie down. It’s up to you to make decisions in your best interest.
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