My mom keeps passing the memory tests and refuses (angrily) to allow me to go to the Dr with her. Any tips?

Well my mother lives in a condo right next to mine and she still pulls all the stuff you are describing and I can't do anything about it, and believe me I have tried.

If you think things are bad inside the home and she needs an assessment you could call APS.

Also contact the DMV and tell them she is not safe to drive. Most states allow for anonymous reporting.

As to the anger, I have no advice there only empathy. Mine is the same way. Fierce denial and anger. I've been trying to limit my contact for my own sanity.

If you read the posts here you will see that dementia never gets better. It will progress and get worse no matter how your mother feels about it. The charade of independence will eventually crumble. What you can do is to research now and figure out a plan for when the charade crumbles. By plan I mean placement in an appropriate care home.

I had the very same issue with my mom.

I did an anonymous report to the DMV listing my concerns including Dementia, Macular Degeneration and fainting spells. DMV promptly sent her a letter to be reevaluated. The BIG mistake I made was HELPING her fill out the extensive paperwork they wanted from her. Even with my help, because she did not show me the paperwork early enough to be completed by their deadline, they temporarily suspended her license! I was thrilled as she is a "law abiding citizen" and would not drive with a suspended license. However, here's where I made the mistake. I continued helping her get the paper work filled out, proper papers to different doctors, etc. I ASSUMED once DMV evaluated her, that they would permanently suspend her license. But no! Her doctors were fooled by her ability to maintain her social graces and said she was ok to drive. AND, she passed her driving test because she knows the town like the back of her hand. (But her car has multiple dings from minor accidents that she has no idea how they occurred.) So she got her license back! If only I had NOT helped her do the paperwork etc, her license would have automatically been revoked. Sigh!

She also got very irritated that I wanted to go to all her doctors appointments with her. So I just showed up anyway. After awhile, she got used to me being there and even allowed me to just pick her up and take her. The big no-no was if I piped in and told Doc of symptoms she was not telling because she forgot. THIS REALLY aggravated and embarrassed her. So I learned to slip a note or tell the nurse on the side what the issue was.

So she continued to drive, and I continued to take her to appointments. I was more clear with her primary care physician and staff about her dementia and my concerns. (No more assuming everyone was on the same page!)

She eventually had a mini stroke along with a seizure that allowed for a clear reason for her to stop driving and accept more help.( She recovered fine.) She still asks me why she can't drive and says she wants to go to DMV and talk to them. I tell her it is because of the mini stroke and seizure, which she doesn't remember. I don't mention the dementia because she would argue about that.

So, see if there is a trusted friend, someone she knows, who you can pay to go with her. (Maybe mom doesn't have to know the person is getting paid?) If she will accept it, even though it will make her mad, she will eventually get used to it and even look forward to it. Then you will get accurate reports on her health.

This is tricky! If the license could be revoked first, then it would be an easy excuse for someone to start taking her and sitting in on Doctor's appointments etc.

Good Luck. Don't let up because she will need the help. Think of her as a teen, sometimes you can't ask permission from them. You have to insist. (Easier said than done!)

This thread is a wonderful example of why the guardianship process is and needs to be so difficult to obtain. Based on _one_ person's statement that an 73 year old adult's memory is impaired (because she uses limited subjects and repeats stories over a phone call) so the senior therefore needs a care giver, and a companion to her doctor's appointments and to stop driving, even when considering the person making the statement is REMOTE and the senior's doctor does not agree she is significantly impaired... look how many people are willing to jump on the band wagon and deny this legally competent person rights to self determination, privacy and her own property. Is this "one person says" the standard you want applied to yourself today or in a few years?

People pass cognitive tests because they retain enough function to be orientated to their environment and execute basic tasks; they may not be as "sharp" as they were previously but that is not the standard. Competency does not require you do not age or have declines; the standard is whether the cumulative declines have reach a point where you cannot function safely. I recently went through a series of cognitive tests for my own baseline since both parents have cognitive issues and found out my IQ has dropped 3 points since I took the same standard test 40 years ago. I can still correctly solve mathematical problems but lost some points for requiring a few more seconds now than when I was 16. People pass driving tests because they retain at least the basic skill level required before DLs are issued. Reaction time is not a critical driving skill; if it was teenagers would be the safest drivers instead of the most unsafe on the road! My mother, years into her short term memory problems and after a complete neurological examination and initial MCI diagnosis was a very safe driver, using good judgement to pick her routes carefully and using red lights for left turns. My father was an unsafe driver before his vascular dementia diagnosis: speeding, changing lanes without signaling and with very small clearance margins and turning out in front of other vehicles - much like the behavior or driving style of many a teenager. Dad could pass a driving test as easily as a teen too. Even though I considered him unsafe because of his judgement difficulties and not his driving skills, I did not take the car (and had no right to do so) until he was deemed incompetent and I became his guardian. I was able to get him to restrict his driving to daylight hours around his home, but he would not agree to stop completely.

Maybe senior parents would not be so "resistant" to offers of "help" if the children were actually "offering" cooperative help and not just wanting to substitute their own judgement for their parents' at the first sign of an aging decline. In most cases the testing performed in a doctor's office is a better measure of competence than the lay person's educated guess or opinion. Writing a letter and providing a doctor with more information allows the doctor to better determine which tests to perform.

If I had been tested multiple times and cleared repeatedly by my doctor, I think I would a bit "angry" with a child who continues to insist she knows better than the doctor and wants to start making _my_ decisions for me.

I have only read a few responses. I think that you need to consider how she is going to be transported to take care of her life, dr. appts, grocery shopping, pharmacy and such. You can not get her license revoked without a plan in place to get her transported. She will drive if you don't and that is a whole different can of worms.

You can not implement huge changes without a plan. Period. It is unfair to the person that is already struggling. Someone that loves her needs to be present to help make transitions.

How old is she? My mother drove until she was 94 and basically did her day to day stuff, she did not have someone go to the doctor with her. We wanted her to move to AL, she always said No. Finally she had a slight stroke and started having panic attacks and was afraid to live alone, we jumped, she is no longer driving and in AL.

Okay, so if we rule out dementia for whatever reason(s), bad memory issues can be attributed to many other issues such as:

Medications. ...
Minor head trauma or injury. ...
Emotional disorders. ...
Alcoholism. ...
Vitamin B-12 deficiency. ...
Hypothyroidism. ...
Brain diseases.
Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. ...
Problems with Vision and Hearing. ...
Disorders of the Heart and Lungs. ...
Liver and Kidney Disease. ...
Hormone Disruption. ...
Infections.

Living out of town, I don't know how you'd be able to help your mother unless she were to give you Medical POA. Either that, or arrange to visit her for a period of time when you could accompany her to the doctor to express your concerns. You could also write him a letter with your concerns and ask that he administer the right tests to determine what might be at the root of your mother's memory problems. But again, I'd wonder exactly WHAT 'memory tests' she was given and if they were extensive enough to make an accurate determination as to whether or not she does have dementia.

Tough situation, I know. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward!

Too bad. I won't be happy either, I am now 67 and I hope I have the sense to know when I am not longer safe to drive. Driving gives you freedom but it does not give you the right to risk other people's lives. Elderly people who still drive past the point where their reaction time is too slow to handle an emergency situation are a threat. They are as impaired as someone who is drunk behind the wheel. We took my mother's keys. I started on my FIL a year earlier, we got him a private driving evaluation which he passed, (to my surprise about a year earlier). Turns out he had cataracts and macular degeneration that he failed to mention to us. He did get a letter from his eye doctor every year stating that his vision was adequate for driving. He finally stopped driving because his cataracts worsened to the point that he no longer had enough vision to see to drive; that is when we found out about the cataracts. He had surgery on the worst one but I intentionally scheduled it after his license expired and told him he would have to take written test to get it back. (that might not have been true but he believed me. )After he had not driven for 2 months, he agreed that he was not going to drive anymore. After he stopped driving, he told me that although he was not ready to stop driving, he realized he should have stopped sooner and said that when he thought back to some of the things he did when driving, he knew I was right. I was lucky that he went along with it but I was willing to take his keys if necessary.

See people suggest that taking the keys to prevent driving. However may have extra set or otherwise be able to get some help starting vehicle.Even taking away their license may not work as many people drive without license. Car itself must be removed. We told my mother car was being repaired. Since it was an import, takes time to get part. Eventually she forgot and stopped asking for car!

I think that without the memory tests telling you that there is any diagnosis of dementia you may need to consider that you are helpless to make any decisions here. What signs are you seeing that Mom needs a caregiver other than forgetfulness? Without a diagnosis you will be helpless in this. How far out of town is Mom. Is there any support system for her? If Mom is going into Dementia, diagnosed NOT to have dementia, and you are pushing her, things will get worse. The awful thing is that waiting for some crisis may be all you have. Do ask Mom if you can check in with her morning and night, and then you and Sis take up the phone calls, one in a.m. and one in p.m. So sorry you're going through this. Try very gentle loving support "what can I order delivered to you Mom?" and so on. She may be more forthcoming about needs then. "Can I get you someone to come in and help with cleaning once a week, Mom". Whatever you can think of to keep the lines of COMMUNICATION open. Because pushing her may make her shut you out, especially if she herself knows something is happening, and usually, early on, people DO know this.

I was the Remote son for both parents. Had all the issues, dementia, mobility, driving and refusing any help. (except from me of course)

i hope you have POA and have her finances under control.

There is not much you can do except wait for the inevitable crisis. For me it was a bad fall, hospitalization then I moved mom to assited living then dad a few days later. It was a big hot mess, almost killed me but I’m glad I stuck to my guns.

The driving is a a worry. You may have to step in and end it before she harms someone else. You can’t let this go on if she’s getting bad.