My mom (83) moved in with me (moving from MN to CO) as she refuses to move into assisted living. She no longer is able (more like willing) to care for herself by cooking, getting medical care, etc. All she has done is complain since she got here. I understand she is depressed after moving here as she lived in the family home for 60 years! I was a "sucker" and took her in. My mistake as childhood trauma is causing much anxiety. As children, we were physically, mentally/emotionally, and verbally abused by her. She NEEDs to have people around at all times for comfort, cooking, and general well-being. I will not be able maintain having her in my own household as she causes much stress. My brother and I want her in assisted living, but she refuses to go. She only wants to go home to the house or the cabin. She has proven she cannot live alone, but when we have hire in--home aides she is verbally abusive to them or fires them because they don't do what she demands. What do we do?
You are a grownup, and you are making decisions and choices for your own life, and will have to live with the responsibility that this was your decision.
You may be making very poor decisions for your own life due to a lifelong habit formed living with an abusive parent prevented from good parenting by her own limitations. She will not change.
To take such an abusive parent into your own home is not a good decision for your own life imho.
Please consider getting some psychological counseling.
That you have taken your mother into your home will now be very problematic in terms of getting her OUT of your home. You will need strength and perhaps legal help to do this.
That she didn't/doesn't wish to go into assisted living is not your concern.
Your own life is your concern.
It would be for you to say what I have said here, which is "Mom, that is really poor decision making. I am sorry you won't move into care. I have to tell you I will not take you into my home, nor will I be responsible for your care in unsafe circumstances".
You can knock yourself out for this woman the rest of your life, throw yourself upon her funeral pyre and do this until she is gone, but it's unlikely you will ever hear what you need to hear from a parent which is "You are a good kid and I love and appreciate you".
Not going to happen. Time to move on now as an adult, making good decisions for yourself and nurturing healthy and loving and mutually reciprocal relationships.
Bad habits are hard to break.
Get help for yourself.
Get someone who is good enough to shake your world and set you on new paths of discovery. No one can do this for you. This is in your hands. It's hard work, because our habitual ways, tho they have bad outcomes, are "comfortable" for us. And nothing is so fearsome as a new path darkly lit.
Have courage. And you can do this. And you will be so proud of yourself that you will no longer need a parent to tell you that you are a wholely capable woman.
I wish you the best, and a whole new life waiting.
I’m sorry that you took her into your home because she has caused you so much grief.
You know fully well how she behaves, so I am sure that you don’t have any false hope of her changing her ways.
How have you discussed this situation with her?
I read your profile. You say that your mom has Alzheimer’s disease, depression and anxiety, hearing loss and sleep disorder. That’s a lot to deal with!
Is she on any meds for her anxiety and depression? When is the last time that she has been to the doctor? Are you her POA?
Tell us a bit more about your situation with your mom. I am so terribly sorry that you were abused by your mother.
How is she abusing the aides that you had coming in? Honestly, I would leave the home while an aide is there so you can get a break.
Of course, an aide doesn’t deserve to be verbally abused but they are professionals and know how to handle these situations. They are used to dealing with difficult situations.
I wouldn’t allow your mother to rule the roost. Hire aides and tell her that she cannot run them off by being rude.
I would continue to research assisted living facilities in your area. Are you currently working? If so, who is staying with your mom?
Wishing you all the best.
Even if you could get her to an AL, if she has no PoA and is not a candidate for MC, she could technically check herself out. But then if no one goes to get her... not sure what the facility will do.
Otherwise you may need to consider having the county acquire guardianship for her. You should talk to a social worker for your county about what this entails.
You can consider pursuing guardianship through the courts, which can be pricey, and you'd need to prove she is incapacitated cognitively.
Even if you can get her into a facility, does she have the funds to pay for it? Medicaid in most states only pays for LTC, which a medical qualification that only a doctor makes, and also the financial qualification which can have a 5-year lookback period.
You can call 911 on a pretense of her having a problem (delusional) to take her to the ER and then ask for a "social admit" (also known unflatteringly as an ER dump). But if she presents to the staff as not having a cognitive or memory problem, then they will release her back to your home, which is now legally her home, if she can get herself there -- otherwise you will need to absolutely refuse to go get her. Tell them she is an unsafe discharge.
Consider consulting with a certified elder law attorney to explore the options for your state, since they can vary. I wish you success in getting her out of your home.