It’s 5 Star. She does have dementia. She has episodes of anger against the employees there a lot. How do you know for sure that what there saying might be true or not? She complains there making her a bed patient. Not giving her therapy. She wants a phone and we know she can’t really use one. She’s wheelchair bound but thinks she can get on toilet by herself. She can’t. They have to use a lift to get her up and down and put her on bed pan for toiletries needs. She’s getting violent at times. Cussing and saying she wants her money from her now deceased husband. He died a year ago . She can’t see very well, and had hip surgery 20 years ago, and now has knee problems which they say she has bone in bone and is not a good surgery prospect . She has had all the shots in her knee she can have. She forgets everything you tell her. But she knows everyone. She's on Medicaid. She doesn’t like being put to bed at 6.30. Which we don’t know if she is all the time or not? She forgets. Her son, my husband always gets her angery when he visits cause she wants to go to a different nursing home. She thinks she will get better care. He says no you're staying here. She says why?? We say because this is a good place where you wanted to come. My husband is a disabled vet himself and we cannot take care of her. Sorry so long . I guess the main question is how do you know for sure your loved one is getting treated properly?
There are some folks ( and of course this includes some people with dementia) who can always find fault with their living situation. They would be unhappy living with their child ( I'm bored, I'm lonely, I don't like your cooking) and they are unhappy in care centers ( I don't like the people here, I don't like the activities, no one pays me any attention).
As children of adults with dementia, it's important to find out what is actually happening and to separate fact from fiction.
I clearly recall sitting with my mom in her rehab center, where she said the aides were having sex in her bathroom, that she was required to pay for any help and that they were always transporting dead bodies around the facility. I was very concerned and spent the day. With a nurse sitting in the room, who had just given my mom her afternoon pills, my mom said testily " I have to manage my own meds here, as you can see". I sputtered a bit and pointed out that she'd just been administered her meds by a kind and caring nurse. Mom arched her eyebrows at me, gave me a "significant " look and pointed to her water pitcher.
I have NO idea what my mother was thinking. Clearly, in her mind, she wasn't being cared for. No amount of extra staff made a difference. No amount of reassurance did either. Dementia sucks.
Well, let's start with the kind of grievance she's raising.
Use of a phone.
Early bed time (?).
Therapies not taking place (really? Sure? Sure she isn't saying 'not now'?)
Husband not handing over the money.
Being stuck in her wheelchair.
She is angry and annoyed at all of these things; but you know very well that the reasons behind them are not anyone's doing. They are part of the rough deal that old age is handing her.
If the staff were unkind or abusive.... If your MIL were somehow fading, in unexplained pain, withdrawn, fearful, over-sedated... THEN you might worry. The fact that she is so vocal on such a variety of subjects, all of which you know the background to, kind of proves that she doesn't have anything more sinister to worry about. But no harm in checking. Pop in to help with her next PT session. Have lunch with her one day. It doesn't hurt anyone for there to be extra eyes on her.
Just in case your husband doesn't already know this: this better NH she's so keen on. You can be sure as you're born that if he were to move her there, by sunset she'd be demanding to go back to the nice NH he just "forced" her to leave.
For example, go in the morning one day. The next day go after lunch. Then go around dinner. Skip a day or two. Then go after dinner. Skip a day. Go in the late morning. Etc.
Do you or your husband attend her care meetings? What do the therapists tell you about her progess?
What time does it say in the notes they put her to bed? Your mother should be able to request a bedtime! That is clearly stated in the nursing home patient's bill of rights.
Please have your husband watch Teepa Snow in Youtube. He needs to learn how not to argue with his mom and say "we'll see what the doctor says", or " I'm working on it mom".
Mom was not doped up. She became calm. Not agitated and not set off by any little thing. She still had delusions that there were floods and that there was a union taking over, but she was calm when reporting all the terrible things that were happening.
Anyway once out of the hospital we set the Show up at home and have since gotten a second one for the kitchen because everyone was liking the ability to drop in and see each other so much. Mom really like it too and for us it gives us the ability to check in on her visually if we can't get in touch with her to check and see if everything is ok. I have popped in and seen that she is napping on several occasions or found her asleep and used my voice to wake her up because she was over due for meds or needed to get ready for an appointment or something and the phone ringing wasn't waking her up. Sometimes it takes several modes because she's deaf in one ear and she is sleeping on her good one (which only has about 50%). I'm way off on a tangent, sorry. Maybe check out the Show set up and see if that might help you out, it might just be too foreign for her to get comfortable with too but my guess is it would be more easily received and acceptable to a NH then a security camera but I may be wrong about that.
Good luck, I know nothing about this is easy.
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