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My Dad constantly complains about his health, yet does not do what the doc tells him in terms of getting enough sleep, drinking lots of fluids, etc. I am really starting to wonder if this is just attention seeking behavior. Dad is 80. I ask him if he needs help, he says no, then he says I dont help him enough, or he waits till the last minute to ask, I tell him I will try to get to whatever it is, then he says never mind, he will do it, then a few days later says I "refused" to help him, and that I should "Lend a hand" more. He will go on and on about himself for hours if I don't politely excuse myself, and he rarely asks how I am doing- I have back issues from an accident, and possible Sjogren's Symdrome. I havent mentioned the possible Sjogren's to him because I am not sure and he he often brushes off any health concern I have, and I am quite concerned about the Sjogren's, and if I mention it and he brushes it off/minimizes it, I lose I will totally lose my temper with him. He has been like this his whole life, my Mom had eczema, and he often mocked and ridiculed her. Every thing is about him, him, him, and he really contributes to his own health problems. Strangely, he can be very generous with money with me but sometimes a little too generous with people outside the family.

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Almost every one of the responses sounds as if the writer is talking about my ex-husband. He has become so difficult that his children have written him off and me as well for continuing to try to "help" him. He is easier to deal with when he is taking his anti-depressant medication, but he is always tired and many times his brain does not seem to be functioning in a rational manner. Do these behaviors indicate dementia or the on-set of Alzheimers? His sister had Alzheimers and his mother died at 100 of "dementia" according to death certificates.
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Talk to her doctor privately about your burnout and the need for mom to get more help than the family can provide. If you ask most seniors if they want "change" of any sort, they will say no. Either have the doctor insist that more care is needed, or have your sister research ALs in the area and give your mother a choice of two or three. Not AL or not AL; which one do you want to live in Mom, caring for you at home is no longer an option. Hugs!
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I've been a caregiver to my Mom for 13 yrs. now! She lives with me in my home! She will be 91yrs. old in February & has many health issues! I have done the best I could under stressful circumstances. I myself have health issues & feel very burned out. She get's very defensive & angry when you ask her to be cooperative or tell her not to do something that could impact her well being. I have a sister who lives 15 min. from me & doesn't help me very much. All she tells me is "Guess, it's time for assisted living". Mom wants nothing to do with that & makes me feel very guilty! How else can I handle this situation?
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Just got off the phone with him, this time he went on and on about how food has no flavor, he has no appetite, his clothes are loose, blah, blah, blah, (he is still a healthy weight for his height) etc. Yes, he has health problems, but at the same time I dont think he realizes how good he has it compared to a lot of people his age and younger. He has the money to order out whenever he wants, can afford his medications, supplemental health insurance and almost new car.
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Maybe when he complains about his health, say something like, that must be hard, is there something I can do? Bat the ball into his court in a neutal way. No emotional valence.
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Just because a person is in their eighties does not mean they "should" be old. Whenever I hear of seniors complaining about their health, I ask them, well, what are YOU going to do about it! Then I announce there will be no discussions of health and politics and when one doesn't have those two things to complain about, you will find out what they really are concerned about...Usually, they don't have enough money, are scared they will die alone, they didn't do enough in their lifetime that was good, etc. From your ramblings, you would be better served by making a chart and together you and your dad can plan the days your are available to help him. Give some structure and set some ground rules. Adult children are always afraid to put their foot down with a parent who is a bully. If one was a bully earlier in life, one will be a bully in later life.
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Sounds to me like your father will do anything to seek attention in any way he can. You say he is very generous with money-another way to gain attention and admiration. My mother is a female version of him. She tries and uses the same tactics to manipulate people around her, only some have wised up to her and keep their distance. Pitiful when someone has to use their health or money to try and gain attention.
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Many stubborn seniors have the idea they do not want to take medicine, they associate it with illness, weakness and death is coming soon.

Ours takes 25mgs of Sertraline, it is a small dose of antidepressant but takes the edge off, off label use is that it is to connect the neurons and receptors.

The other question will be, is it dementia?
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Alwayslearning, I give him plenty of attention. Were live in the same neighborhood and talk every day. What he really wants is for me to move to Florida with him, live with him , not work and just take care of him and the house. Thats a little too much attention lol. I hate going places with him because he is always late, and been this way his whole life.
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Your dad definitely has issues and of course you have your own health issues too, which complicates it all. He really needs to go to an MD who specializes in geriatric patients....barring that, which I know can be impossible, would you consider making an appt to see a geriatric-practice MD yourself, to explain the situation & all its underlying stress without dad present? I did this when I knew instinctively that antidepressant medication would help my dad; the dr was wonderful; gave me a full 30 of her time & agreed we me. I was then able to get him in to see her without too much wrangling. Just an idea....but also, the office billed his Medicare/BC-BS account for my visit since in concerned him.
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He may be looking for attention because he is lonely, can you set him up in a day center, he can socialize, take trips, etc. My friends father loves to go play cards, he used to complain alot, he was by himself a great deal, now he hardly takes ibuprofen.
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If you think of it as "wanting attention" then you're kind of stuck asking yourself the question, "So, do I give him that attention or not?" and it's hard to say "no" when someone is complaining of pain or health issues. Think of it instead as just talking about himself. Narcissists think about themselves and want to talk about themselves, and their own bodies are an easy default topic, and a comfortably negative one at that. The reason he's not doing what would fix stuff is that he's not talking about a problem to be fixed, and he doesn't particularly want it fixed -- he just wants to talk about himself. Unless he's actually demented, which it sounds like he isn't at the moment, you'll be able to tell the difference between stuff that needs to be fixed and stuff that doesn't because believe me if it's bad enough he'll be interested in solving it. (Something you might point out is that he runs the risk of having something serious not get picked up on because he's crying wolf. But still, you'll see -- when he wants action he'll pursue action.)
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He may be looking for attention. My mother would go to the doctor every day or minute if she could before I came to care for her. He is afraid.
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I will suggest the nurse helpline, I didint think of that. Last time I offered to call the doc for him, he snapped, "I don't want to be rushed over there!!!" I told him I would just CALL first. Then he said he talked to the doc the day before and they told him such and such. I asked him if he tried that, and he said no. Then I said, "I really dont know what to say" He is very sharp , but does not seem to understand humor sometimes. He is quick to say "What do you mean by that?" or "I dont get it" and sometimes gets defensive. He has no issues driving. He also does NO planning ahead and has been this way his whole life. My passed away years ago. Most of their conversations were him talking and her agreeing with him.
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How do you sort out what is normal aging and what requires a doctor's care? Good question! If Dad is complaining of something you might try looking it up online.

When he complains to you about a certain symptom, ask "have you talked to the doctor's office about that?" If he has, follow up with what they said and whether he is follow that advice. If he hasn't, suggest that they'd know better than you do how to deal with this. If his insurance provides a nurse help line (and many do, for free) suggest he call that number to discuss his symptoms. I don't mean that you should be unsympathetic or never listen to health complaints, but you might want to set a limit on how much you listen to. And if you are concerned that maybe something should be seen by a doctor, you can use that help line, too. Have your father's insurance ID available for this.

It sounds like you really do know how not to get suckered in to being manipulated by him. Good for you! And you also, of course, want to help him if he genuinely needs it. I hope that a little internet research and using the nurse line can help you determine when that is.
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Thanks for your honesty. No, he never was the most empathetic person in the world. Today, he actually asked how I was doing. As for the Sjogren's Syndrome, I have some on the signs- dry skin, eyes, and sometimes my mouth is a little dry. He has supplemental insurance that will pay for in home help if needed. He was previously trying to get me to quit my job and move to Florida with him, but he gave up after I told him I simply would no longer discuss it. He cannot stay with me. I cannot physically care for him and he knows it. When he had surgery a few years ago, I was helping him but he had an aide come to the house every day. One day he called me and said he really needed help cooking and picking things up. I went over, even though I was in horrible pain. I asked him why the aide didint do those things while she was there. He said, "I sent her away" I said"Thats great! That means you can handle things on your own, which is great because i am in horrible pain today" and then I left. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but he became much less demanding after that. I still dont get the complaing about his health, but not taking his medicine. I really hope hes not doing to get attention.
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Sounds like your dad has been a narcissist all his life, and since he's getting old and his health is going in the crapper, he's going to be more obsessive and self absorbed than ever. If he never gave a second thought to your problems BEFORE him getting old, he's sure not going to care now. As far as your original question, I have no idea when he'll need to be put somewhere where SOMEONE ELSE will take care of him and make him do what the doctor says. That time is going to come, so have your ducks in a row by then. The first place he's going to want to come and stay is with you, so you'd better have your answer (NO) ready for the inevitable. And it's a lot easier to throw money at people, then to have to actually take part in their lives, and be part of the solution. Good luck. You're certainly gonna need it. ♥
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