My friend who's father is also in memory care, told me that she tells her father whatever she thinks will make him feel better. When he asks where his wife (who is deceased) is, she tells him, she's at the store, or getting her hair fixed and doesn't remind him that she has died. He likes to give people money, so they gave him play money and he thinks its real. Is this ok? I just can't seem to bring myself to do that with my mother. I'm fearful she'll wonder why I am lying to her. I've been mulling this around in my mind for days and haven't come to a conclusion. Does anyone else do this for their loved one with dementia?
If this is a choice made WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, it is NOT LYING, it is COMPASSION.
For a while, I was still envisioning things from my LO's normal state of mind, how she might think with her old self, but, what I learned to appreciate is that she was not thinking like her old self. It was a new way and she no longer had the ability for critical thinking, analyzing, reasoning, etc. I think my LO expected me to protect her, bring her comfort and to use my best judgment in her care. That's why she named me for that position. So, to me, I was doing what she wanted.
I think each situation is different. My LO only asked about her parents a few times, and the last time, I said that they would always live in our hearts. She seemed to like that and it made her smile. She never asked about them again.
Besides your own emotional reaction. What do you see as the harm to your mother.
If a person wants to give money to people. there are 2 or really 3 choices.
Give him real money that will be given away or stolen at a facility OR give him play money that he thinks is real that he can give away.
Or your third option that really is not an option is to argue about it telling him that he can not have money to give away. You will learn quickly that an argument with a person that has dementia is futile it will get you nowhere it will leave you both frustrated and you angry.
My Dad (who just recently passed away at 93) would talk about taking flying lessons, driving again....the list goes on & on.
Does absolutely no good, to correct them. It's not them, it's the disease!
Go with it!
I'm also uncomfortable fibbing. It's just not how I am put together. I try redirecting. when I can. ie "How did we pay for the food in 1989?" " I don't remember, really, but it was different back then? We used to go to the grocery store after work on payday and then we'd always have 'breakfast for dinner' that night. I always looked forward to our Friday nights."
I try not to say "Remember that we used to...." because no, they probably don't remember.
I have sympathy, though. My dad was fixated on how much they sold the house for 20 years ago. (Not enough! He should have held out for more. ) He would not be redirected with any 'fun memories' I might have had. Occasionally, I could tell my chatter confused him enough that he stopped talking about it but he was still ruminating about it. Poor guy.
See All Answers