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My friend who's father is also in memory care, told me that she tells her father whatever she thinks will make him feel better. When he asks where his wife (who is deceased) is, she tells him, she's at the store, or getting her hair fixed and doesn't remind him that she has died. He likes to give people money, so they gave him play money and he thinks its real. Is this ok? I just can't seem to bring myself to do that with my mother. I'm fearful she'll wonder why I am lying to her. I've been mulling this around in my mind for days and haven't come to a conclusion. Does anyone else do this for their loved one with dementia?

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Hi Teddy2019, yes it is ok to use "therapeutic fibs" to keep LOs from veering into emotional territory that they have a difficult time recovering from (and you as well). If your mom is in MC she no longer has short-term remembering or learning abilities. There is really no point in reinventing the emotional wheel with her...it only brings distress and confusion. There's no upside or gain. My MIL is in LTC and has short-term memory impairment. I often wrestle with this dilemma as she often asks where her husband is and she cries a little when we tell her he passed. She is not to the point yet where I feel like I can tell her the therapeutic fib and she will accept it. When that day comes I will do it but I know it won't make me feel any better. The goal will be to not upset her. I read your profile and you have your hands full. May you receive peace in your heart over what to say to your mom.
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I tell my Mom that her father is still at work when she asks why he hasn’t come home yet and that she is worried about him. The first time she asked where he was I told her he had passed away. She yelled at me and said couldn’t I think of something nicer to say. Yes fibs are fine in my opinion as they help both of us cope.
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Your friend is doing the right thing. Why upset someone with information that they will quickly forget? The play money thing is a great idea too. If it makes him feel good about himself that he is "helping" people that need money that's awesome.
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My brother had early ALZ.. and he wanted to see mom. He needed a haircut, his friend told me. I took him to a place, and it's a bit of a walk for him, but he walked there one day before I had the time. He paid James with cookies. Brother's wife would put cookies in his pockets,? James was sweet enought to accept them as payment. He knew I would be back :)
Anyway, my answer is yes. Sometimes the questions and queries are on a "tape loop". Best to answer, and distract: SQUIRREL.!! At times you have to divert their attention, even if it's just temporary... Perhaps, it will jar up another thought they had... Well, at least it may be different?
Maybe they know the answer, but don't really want to believe the truth.. If your LO past, do you really want to ask the same question? They are hoping for a happier or better answer.. Sometimes the right truthful answer is too hard to accept..
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Is your mom at that stage? If she is still cognizant and knows her environment and things that are happening around her, then, tell her the truth. But if she becomes confused, and disoriented, then tell her what you feel she wants to hear. She doesn't want to hear that her LO or favorite pet has passed..but if she is in total understanding. then you may be correct
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I hate to hear the word “fib” used when what we are really doing when we choose to do this, is entering a cognitively damaged LO’s TRUTH.

If this is a choice made WITH LOVE AND RESPECT, it is NOT LYING, it is COMPASSION.
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Yesterday my sister and I were visiting our mother (the "great interrogator") in the nursing home, and among other things she's always asking, she got into a frenzy about how she, my father and I paid for meals during a trip to Europe--in 1989! (She didn't remember the trip until we mentioned it in answer to her question about vacations they had taken.) The answer I gave was that we could afford it, and we didn't eat at expensive places, and sometimes bought food at a grocery store--however, for the most part I don't remember specifically, and at this point, what difference does it make?? She kept on with this, and I found myself "losing my cool" with her. I'm thinking that maybe I should just pretend she's the "village idiot" instead of my mother, or perhaps a "broken computer" instead of a person.

My sister is reasonably good at fibbing (she developed that skill while growing up!), but FWIW (and not trying to come across as a "goody-goody-two-shoes"--I saw my sister get into trouble and wanted to avoid that myself) I was the "obedient" child who obeyed and told the truth. (Besides, I didn't want to go through the additional mental effort of remembering a lie or covering up for it!) Now at the nursing home, my sister will answer a question differently from the way I would, but fortunately our mother doesn't remember the answers that long.

I'm afraid that if I start fibbing, she'll catch on that I'm doing that. I'm not sure I could do it with a straight face or otherwise do it credibly. Personally, I hate getting insincere answers, and feel uncomfortable giving them--but maybe it will keep me from going insane from visiting my mother!
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I think anything that makes the caregiver's life easier is on the table! If fibbing works for you, you should do it.

I'm also uncomfortable fibbing. It's just not how I am put together. I try redirecting. when I can. ie "How did we pay for the food in 1989?" " I don't remember, really, but it was different back then? We used to go to the grocery store after work on payday and then we'd always have 'breakfast for dinner' that night. I always looked forward to our Friday nights."

I try not to say "Remember that we used to...." because no, they probably don't remember.

I have sympathy, though. My dad was fixated on how much they sold the house for 20 years ago. (Not enough! He should have held out for more. ) He would not be redirected with any 'fun memories' I might have had. Occasionally, I could tell my chatter confused him enough that he stopped talking about it but he was still ruminating about it. Poor guy.
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I liked Annreid's reply.

Its cruel to tell someone, when they ask, that their LO has died. It puts them thru the grieving process all over again. Some can except it others get upset and thats not fair to them.

My Mom would just start talking about anything that came into her head. I would answer and she look at me like I was nuts because she was already on to something else. So, you may not have to say anything because its forgotten and on to the next think. My daughter used to just let Mom talk. "Yes Mom Mom, Really Mom Mom, I agree"

Don't argue with them. They are in their own world. TV and dreams become part of their reality.
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Don't apply your rules of 'normalcy' to a disease that knows NO normalcy any longer! That's the main thing to remember. Tell your mother whatever SHE needs to hear to make HER feel assured, comfortable and happy. If that means you 'lie', then you lie. Again, all bets are off now and the old rules you once played by have to be thrown out if both of you are to survive and be happy. Telling 'the truth' in an effort to appease a guilty conscience doesn't help your mother in any way. Keep her state of mind your top priority, whatever it takes.
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I always told dad the truth re mum being dead but can emphasise why some find it easier to fib. He would get upset which broke my heart - but I felt being the person he was before - he’d rather I’d keep being honest.

Sometimes they do remember - but I doubt she would recall that you’d said otherwise earlier. Can remember my gran wanting her husband to come in from the garden - having seen the gardener - on being told he was dead she snapped back - “well I know that - he died on 4 January 1965 - but tell him to come in for his tea before it gets cold!” My dad said something similar one time.

So the only answer I can give is do what seems right for you and your mum - everyone is different.
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MargaretMcKen Mar 2020
Amazing. Who can understand the brain?
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To me, it's all about what makes my LO feel safe and content. My feelings are not my focus. I don't need to feel better by being honest. If my LO is not able to process information, remember, grieve, etc. then overloading her with information and news that she can't process is cruel imo.

For a while, I was still envisioning things from my LO's normal state of mind, how she might think with her old self, but, what I learned to appreciate is that she was not thinking like her old self. It was a new way and she no longer had the ability for critical thinking, analyzing, reasoning, etc. I think my LO expected me to protect her, bring her comfort and to use my best judgment in her care. That's why she named me for that position. So, to me, I was doing what she wanted.

I think each situation is different. My LO only asked about her parents a few times, and the last time, I said that they would always live in our hearts. She seemed to like that and it made her smile. She never asked about them again.
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As a nurse, I have confronted this problem, as have other care-givers of Alzheimer patients. If she was suffering from the confusion caused by other medical conditions from which she would recover, you should be truthful with her. But in this situation she is likely to resist whatever you tell her or just not remember it at all. I remember one patient who could not be reminded her mate had died because, to her, it was like hearing the "news" for the first time, every time! She would become very upset over the "news" of his death.

There are times, not many perhaps, but this is one, when a simple falsehood is kinder and better for all involved. It has taken the medical community a while to realize this when dealing with Alzheimer patients. What she needs most of all is to feel that she, and those she loves, are safe.

The delusion of a romantic attraction between her and another patient or staff member is a different matter. You cannot encourage her belief, but DO expect her to resist whatever you say to the contrary. The art of distraction, directing her attention elsewhere, is sometimes the best you can do.
Good luck in dealing with such difficult situations. Just remember that with this disease, keeping her calm is more important than forcing her to accept the truth.
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If you tell a person that has dementia that their loved one has died they grieve like they are hearing the information for the first time. Then they forget and they ask again and you tell them again and to them they are hearing this for the first time. Why put someone as well as you through the process over and over.

If a person wants to give money to people. there are 2 or really 3 choices.
Give him real money that will be given away or stolen at a facility OR give him play money that he thinks is real that he can give away.
Or your third option that really is not an option is to argue about it telling him that he can not have money to give away. You will learn quickly that an argument with a person that has dementia is futile it will get you nowhere it will leave you both frustrated and you angry.
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Thank you everyone. Having validation has given me peace of mind. It's confusing, because she will seem cognizant of things and sometimes not. She will tell me that she misses Dad (knowing he has passed) and in the next sentence ask me how my daughter is doing or what she is doing, (not remembering that I lost my daughter 6 years ago.) When I tell her the truth about her granddaughter, she gets very sad and somewhat shocked. That's why I get confused as to what to say. I'm afraid she will know I am not telling her the truth. That would make me feel horrid. I appreciate your feedback. Thanks!
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AnnReid Mar 2020
My LO’s perception of present/past, here/not here, true/not true fluctuates and vacillates wildly, literally from minute to minute, so although she is verbal and sociable and enjoys and gets off a snappy comment in conversation, her ability to use or comprehend details and maintain a sequence of thoughts is significantly compromised.

Whatever happens in the verbal minute is solely in that minute. When that happens in the little world I visit when I go to see my LO, I’d most likely respond “Oh, you know (name). Always something going on with (her/him!)”.

Then I take my verbal lead from her next comment.

She has NEVER challenged something I’ve said to her as “truth” or “lie”. I DO NOT regard this as “lying”. I regard it as kindness. I expect MY LOs, if I ever succumb to the same wicked mental failure that has infected the older years of several of my Dearest, now gone, I want to be treated with the same loving conversations as I’m enjoying with my LO now!
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Yes. It’s what therapists called “therapeutic fibs.” You lie to make your loved ones feel better and you feel less stressed out. It’s not done with malice.

I am doing that with my husband who has moderate to severe dementia. It was difficult to do at first, but I have become good at it. I often tell my husband I have a caregiver coming over because I need to buy groceries, but really just to walk in the park or see a movie to destress. He does not remember 15 mins later what I told him, much less a few hours later.

Tell your friend to try. She might be good at it too.
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absolutely. My father didn't have dementia but he was refusing to stop driving. We disabled the car without his knowledge. He died thinking the neighbor hood kids did it. I never regretted it. It got him off the streets - potentially saving his life and other lives.

Besides your own emotional reaction. What do you see as the harm to your mother.
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We are going to a support group and they called them “loving lies”. My mom, 89, has trouble telling my dad,91, lies. When she heard this it changed her mind. I have no problem telling him anything that will not upset him.
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The day my Mom had no recollection of a recent family meeting when we talked about her living arrangements was the day I knew therapeutic fibs were more merciful. Otherwise, I would be telling her the same difficult things over and over and she would, in turn, have to relive those over and over. I would never want to do that to her. I try not to outright lie but tell half-truths intended to divert her attention. So, instead of saying "You're not going home tomorrow", I say "The doctors didn't tell me yet that you could go home." I rarely talk to the doctors so that is a true enough statement but the actual truth is that she is staying where she is.
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Give yourself time to think about her questions before you answer and you will find an alternative answer. When my mom was more verbal she would ask if I was leaving and I would say “ I will be back”. “When?”, “Later, mom I got to go I have stuff to do” as I wheel her down the hall or turn the TV on to her favorite show. If we were in the hallway, the staff would take the cue and say, “June!!!!, come on down here we have some cocoa for you!!!. Most of the time the dialogue was repeated so it was easier to have my answers ready. I could distract her with, “let’s get your hands washed and take a quick potty stop“ and she would participate with combing her hair, rinsing her mouth and getting ready so that the next action of “going down the hall to see what’s for breakfast” would be a natural, interesting diversion.
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I always did .,,,,made my mother smile.
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YES!!! Just be with them, in the moment! Love them, where they are at.

My Dad (who just recently passed away at 93) would talk about taking flying lessons, driving again....the list goes on & on.

Does absolutely no good, to correct them. It's not them, it's the disease!

Go with it!
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I am a advocate of telling the truth... and of "telling just enough." I also firmly believe in redirecting conversations.

My gram used to obsess about a family falling out that happened decades ago. I talked her through "forgiveness" and reminded her of the last time she saw the people she was mad at. Then I got to place where she would bring up "her mad", and I would remind her we already forgave and the last visit... which seemed to satisfy her.

When it comes to the topic dead people, I try to see what time period the person is reliving. I ask questions about that time period that included that "missing" person. Seems that helps to relieve the anxiety. When they ask where_____ is, I say that they are not here today (which is truth).
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disgustedtoo Mar 2020
Semantics really. And sometimes "not here today" isn't enough. Many have posted how a LO gets very upset and overly concerned about the whereabouts and safety of the person(s) they are asking about... hence the need to make something up that will soothe them. The truth would be great, even if it is just "they are not here today" but too often that doesn't suffice.

My mother has asked me to drop her off at her mother's, what her mother might be doing on X holiday, have I seen her recently, etc. Not today worked, but it was qualified with maybe tomorrow - that leaves the door open for her, otherwise she might become agitated and demand to know when! Shortly after she will likely forget it, but certainly before "tomorrow." It isn't to satisfy me and make me feel good, it is to assuage her needs. When I said her parents went to FL for the winter, she thought about it for a bit, and then was satisfied in her own mind that they did this in the past. Lie? Fib? Sure, but it kept her content and avoided any other more difficult questions she might come up with if I just said they are not here today. As it progresses, that "not here today" might be enough, but right now it isn't for my mother and likely wouldn't be for many others.

Whatever works for each of us and keeps the LOs calm and content, that is how it should be handled. It won't be the same for all of us. I was never one to rely on lies, they are wrong, but lies are mostly to cover your butt or hurt others. What we sometimes need to do is bend the truth or fib, so as to NOT hurt them and/or calm them! Bad enough they have this affliction, why make it worse for them?
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A lot depends on where they are in this not so delightful journey. Sometimes they have one foot in the here-and-now, and one foot in the twilight zone. How one decides what to do is personal to each case. You know your LO best!

As for "fibs", "lies", "bending the truth", whatever you want to call it, it is done to soothe the person, to keep them calm and not upset them. If telling your LO that a person they are looking for/asking about has died and it upsets them, yet forgets and asks again, what is the point in telling the truth? It upsets them, and most likely upsets you as a result.

Nine months after we moved our mother to MC, out of the blue she asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother has been gone 40+ years! Without any plan in place, I glanced at my watch, said it is kind of late in the day, not exactly on my way home, maybe tomorrow. THAT satisfied her (she said OK.) Immediately after she asked if I had a key to her place, referring to the house prior to the condo we moved her from (sold over 25 years ago!) I checked my lanyard and said no, maybe at home, I will check when I get there. Again she said ok, and then said she would go stay there tonight if she had a key!! Not sure how the current owners would react to that!

So, it will be a bit of a tightrope walk - respond with something plausible that doesn't upset your LO. It is difficult, sometimes, initially, but think of it this way:
LIES are told to hurt people.
FIBS to LO with dementia is to AVOID hurting them, esp since it will likely happen over and over.

My mother later continued to ask about her mother, such as asking what she's doing for a holiday, have I seen her lately, etc. Staff has told me she mentioned her father too, but she hasn't to me. Once when she asked about her mother, in the winter, I took a chance on saying they went to FL for the winter. She thought about it for a bit, then said they used to do that. I was worried she would be upset they didn't ask her to go (mom & dad had a place in FL and went there every winter.) I lucked out that she didn't!

Go with the flow. Don't argue. Don't correct. Do be kind, even if it means fibbing. Do try to redirect/refocus their attention onto something else.
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Converse and answer to your LO's reality. If it's a fib to say, "She's at the stiore, " or "I'll look for the key when I get home," that's OK. Contradicting or arguing with your LO will only cause confusion and distress. Many posters have offered wonderful answers that satisfy and comfort their LO.
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It probably is more dependent on the level of memory loss between her dad and your mom. If her answers satisfy dad, then why tell him something over and over that is upsetting...like wife is dead. If your mom, on the other hand, is not there yet, them your conversations would be different. There may come a time when you find just agreeing with her is much easier than trying to argue a broken brain back to reality.
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I am really at a loss as to why anyone would have difficulty choosing the comfort of a loved one over an arbitrary moral code. I was raised to be honest and have often been described as honest to a fault, but mercy toward another human being was always prioritized over my own drive to "be good".
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There is actually a clinical term called "therapeutic fibbing ".
When we're raised to tell the truth, it's hard to wrap your head around it. However, if the truth causes your LO pain, and you have to have the same conversation over and over, it's so hard on them ( and you) for the sake of "the truth "! You can try to redirect the conversation. When that doesn't work ask yourself if telling the truth for the 50th time is for their sake or for yours?
In my experience, fibbing was best for my Aunt.
Best wishes!
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I am learning to pause and then answer, Often I tell LO to wait just a minute I'll be right with him. Usually the question asked is forgotten. The first few times I tried to be truthful and it produces more confusion. If asked about a love one - I'll say "he/she is resting comfortably right now." When in truth, they have passed on. It is never easy but I find stepping back and deep breathing and always answer with a smile (smiling keeps the tone out of your voice). May each one who goes through this be given an extra special helping of peace and comfort and patience.
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