My aunt died 6 months ago leaving my mom as last surviving elder in the family. she is almost 89. All of her friends are dead. She constantly talks about her death. She says she's preparing me. I remind her that she is in good health. What else do I say?
My mother sometimes speaks of death for the dramatic effect. She'll say something like, "I'm going to die soon, so you better get ready for it," or something to that effect. I simply ask her if it is going to be today. She says no and I tell her, well, then, we can worry about it later. That works without feeding into the drama.
And yet that is where many of us find ourselves...watching and waiting as someone we love is dying by inches.
Another inch of my mom died a little over a month ago (meaning, more or less, a small stepped decline in her overall condition). We've adjusted remarkably well in all the physical ways and I'm doing great in the emotional and mental department. Which is good, because my mom's been having trouble with the emotional part, herself.
She often cries seemingly for no reason and every time she's asked, she says nothing is wrong. So often I then ask her not to cry and she'll say "I can't help it." Well, I can accept that...when I am very fatigued, exhausted, I tend to cry for negligible reasons.
But then yesterday, I suddenly thought to ask her if she was scared of dying...if she was crying because of death being closer and closer to her as time goes on. She's never been one to talk of that stuff too much, at least not in my younger years, but I know her very well and I know how her mind works. And she said yes, that she was. And a little scared but also she just isn't ready to die. But that may be a way she masks her fear for herself to deal with it...
So we talked about it and I even told her about the NDERF website where I've read uncounted testimonies from people who have gotten a glimpse and a feeling of what lies 'beyond.' She was still crying and didn't really want to believe me but we talked for a while and I comforted her by reiterating that all pain stops the moment things change (death) and that it is just PURE LOVE on the other side...
So I left her alone for a while and when I came back to her room, she was calmer and not crying. She had been quite worked up so that was amazing, considering her temperament. And today she has not cried or been crotchety or extra needy, either.
I'm glad now that we talked about it.
If she talked about her beliefs I'd engage in conversation, sharing my beliefs, too.
If she just talked about "I'm going to die," I'd agree. "Yes, Mom, I know that you'll die sometime in the next ten years or so. It makes me sad, but that is how the world works. I'm glad that you are in good health now. Let's do something special this week. I want to store up lots of good memories." Or I might ask what things she has done in her long life that she is especially glad to have experienced.
I guess if it were my mom, I'd think that talking about death was OK ... but "constantly" would get uncomfortable for me, and probably boring. I would take her seriously and have some conversations about it, but I'd also try to change the subject sometimes.
There comes a point in one's life, if one lives long enough, that death is inevitably taking a focal point in the mind. It's natural and I think it is a good thing because death is an integral part of life, and as odd as it may sound, a new experience each time when go through it.
The unnatural avoidance that the American culture exhibits toward death is unhealthy and it sometimes makes us think that talking about death is the odd thing. I think it is odd NOT to talk of it, at least once in a while.
I think more so that your mom is preparing HERself, however, not you. If that be the case, then why not just let her talk of it constantly until she's talked it all out or else had her fill of it? Obviously she's trying to work something out within her, and often that process requires a certain degree of externalization (sounding off or venting).
If you try to get her to NOT talk of it, it will only compel her more intensely TO talk about it, if that be the case. If she NEEDS to talk about it, then I say let her talk of it all she wants and I think it will eventually cease to be her favorite topic of conversation. If it isn't impeded, it will end on its own when the inner issues are worked out for her. If it is impeded or stifled, it will just grow bigger and perhaps even morph or mutate into a more unpleasant topic...and it will then require even more 'venting.'
Best to let her verbalize it to the full extent of her need/desire so that she has the chance to do what she needs to do before she does actually die. You probably don't have to even contribute more than a um-hum or something like that now and then, just to let her know you ARE listening (even if you aren't! and you know you don't have to listen even though you should let her talk).
Assure her that you will miss her, but that you'll be all right.
Then take her out for a slushy.
Bring up any friends or family members that you know who outlived their children. Ask your mom who is the next person in line to take over things for her if you should die.
Trust me, it takes them off guard so much they then do not bring it up again for quite a while.
My Grandma swore she would not make it pas 50. She missed it shy of 41 years and died at 91. Shewould do this to my dad, "where will I be burried, which husband should I be burried next to, what should my footstone say." Dad, who was terminally ill finally got sick of it and said, "you know the next trip I make home will be in a box myself." She outlived dad by 3 years.
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