I lived with my partner 5 years & the only one to take care of him last 3 years of cancer, but on his last hospital visit I stayed home because I had flu. Dr. gave up treatment at that visit & his brother took POA & put him in a nursing home. I thought that was ok for a bit, but my partner & I had discussed home hospice in the past.
My partner called me after a week in the nursing home & wanted out & I told him to call his brother. My partner said he "revoked and fired" his brother. He said it several times, and this conversation was somehow transcribed on my computer. I reviewed messages and saw several messages where the patient said he wanted his POA fired and wanted to come home.
I researched all the hospice services, talked to a hospice nurse for an hour, and found additional in-home care, so I was confident that I and he would get enough help. We also have a lot of good friends who would help and are within 5 minutes of the house.
But the POA refuses to go in that direction and has lied to my partner about what is available and about me and other friends. Things like someone tried to pick the patient up without proper care at home. Nobody did that. Friends had visited the patient and taken him outside to get some sun-- something legal at the nursing home. We are all mature grown-ups. Then someone found "drugs " in the patient's coat. No-- they were his prescriptions in his coat pocket- nursing home should have taken them when he was admitted. I thought—things like that. I am usually blamed first, even when I live 90 minutes away and I do not drive much at all, or at least I supposedly sent people to do this dastardly thing. His friends, even his son, and I have been blocked from seeing him various times. My partner gets upset every time this happens.
Most of the people at the nursing home do not have visitors and appear to be dying alone, but my partner has me and many many people who love him and does not have to die alone in a place he does not want to be. Every time one of us is denied visits or he realizes he can't get rid of his brother as POA-- I have seen him decline and now he does not speak-- so I am told -- but 3 days ago I called and on FaceTime- he said again he wanted to get out of there. Then there are the people who are screaming in the hall-- 3 tiny beds to a room, bad food, his teeth are never cleaned, and he has started to spit all over the place, and he is very uncomfortable and depressed.
He loves our home. I feed him what he wants. He loves our cats. He can watch the TV he wants or listen to music and be loved.
I am collecting letters from our friends who know him and are as upset about this situation as I am and printing out the texts I have where he "revokes' and fires the POA brother,
How do I deal with this situation? It is more complicated now that he is not talking, but he calls me and looks me in the eyes for long periods. He did speak a few days ago to tell me to get him out. I think he just stopped talking to people who do not listen to him.
Thank you
You will have to get an attorney who will examine partner for his mental acuity and decide if he is willing to appoint you as his guardian or his POA.
At that point you will be able to make all decisions.
I want you to at this point know that brother may go against you for guardianship in court. This can be a messy and costly problem.
You say that your partner's brother "got POA" over him. But none of us here can know what mentation of your partner is. The POA papers, drawn by an attorney generally takes an attorney visit and also takes a notary attesting to signature. Just because you had a "day off" I can't see this happening in the way you suggest?
I will leave this to you, partner, brother and an attorney, because there's really not a lot to do about it otherwise.
I wish you the best of luck and am so sorry your partner is so ill. You say that he cannot now speak. You are correct that this makes this ever so much more complicated, and in truth I would ask you to consider whether he is not in the level of care he needs. The "emails" and "texts" you are getting from him indicate he is communicating well, and he can do so in that manner with any attorney at the bedside. However, if he is deteriorating so fast that he cannot make wishes clearly known AT THIS TIME, then I think that this placement is where he will pass. Any month old texts you have mean nothing because one cannot even know what medications he was on when they were written, or what temporary problems he was having with brother.
I am again, so very sorry.
Just my opinion. Do consult an attorney. Many will attend at the bedside, but of course for a fee!
I saw him on video after that too and realized he was on drugs different from his usual. Then a few days passed, and his thinking was fine and the meds better, but it was too late. He called and texted everyone he could to get him out, but I think it is too late now.
I have tried to appeal to the POA brother and sent him all the info on the hospice and hme care services plus the texts, but there is zero heart here.
Now the brother, who knows him the least, is simply torturing him.
But regardless a POA can be terminated at any time by someone in their right mind, so if your partner is in his right mind, have a lawyer go see him when you are there and have him designate you or whoever else he wants to be his POA.
I wish you well in getting this hot mess figured out before it's too late.
If your partner has cognitive impairment it will be more challenging for him/her to reassign the PoA, but not impossible. Usually the attorney privately interviews the client to assess for "capacity" and to make sure they are not being coerced.